I am still reeling from the disorientation of learning the differences between a gigantic sexual market and a tiny one. In the U.S. I was considered very cool and easygoing. Here, I’m clingy, obsessive, and paranoid. Sometimes I freeze someone out or say something incredibly ill timed and stupid just because I don’t know what the hell to do.
When a guy doesn’t call you within 48 hours after sex in the U.S. it means that he either thinks you sucked, or that for some reason (probably your looks) you are worthless. It’s his passive aggressive “fuck off”. So that’s how I interpreted such behavior here. I didn’t know that guys here simply aren’t generally taught that they need to reassure a woman that she didn’t make a terrible mistake, and prevent possible regretted sex drama. It’s not malice, just stupidity. They’re clueless.
Add that to the pressure to marry someone of the proper ethnicity and religion, and people are just kind of boxed in. Options people have in a bigger country simply don’t exist here, so they take for granted that you’ll be available when they get around to you. Talking to you is going to be at the end of a long list of not necessarily better, but other things to do.
Basically, once you have sex with an Israeli guy who is assimilated, he assumes you’re available to him (or on a list of women who are available to him) and no longer feels the need to make any effort to keep you interested. What confuses people is that there are guys here at varying levels of assimilation, and from a variety of cultures. So you never know what you’re getting or what a guy is going to do, or how to interpret what he’s doing.
So even though there are a few generalizations that can be made, the only way to have a civil thing with an Israeli guy is to tell him what you want and what to do. Then reward him for good behavior, and punish him for bad behavior. Strangely, despite everything I’ve been taught about men before coming here, cursing a guy out doesn’t make him run away. It’s just that you have to know when to curse him out, when to withdraw, and when to just break it off. That’s where it gets tricky.
When I would dismiss a guy for lack of feedback, which I interpreted as neglect or passive aggressive dumping, he interpreted this as withdrawal and not actual dismissal. This is why they came back. In their mind, they did nothing wrong, and were just too busy to call me or answer my message…and I am just the coolest, most understanding woman they’ve ever met because I left them alone, or I am a crazy bitch for burning the bridge for reasons that only exist in my imagination.
So, I am trying to be more clear about things, go with the flow, and not take dudes’ stupidity personally. Diva also advises that I set specific situation appropriate hurdles and goals so that a guy can know when he’s being naughty or nice. To me, it seems a bit like pricing myself, but I can see the method in the madness in a modernized but middle eastern culture.
I’ve made some mistakes in the past, so some are just lost cases. I’ll let those die of starvation since there is no way to undo what has been done. I messed up and took things the wrong way, said some things that weren’t worth saying because they either didn’t make a difference, or just made things worse. The thing to do now is strengthen the things that remain, and as Diva said, learn to maintain instead of discarding people for not knowing things that nobody taught them.
Still, there is this nagging feeling that being too cool about stupid, and becoming more Klingon to cope with the stupidity is somehow bad…pitying in some way. Part of what fuels this is that there are a few guys who don’t seem to need pitying, coaching, goading, and being treated like cattle. This is the other breed of Israeli guy who hits the ground running. They know what they’re looking for, or at least what they hope for, and when they find it, they don’t mess around. They don’t have time for someone who’s not really interested in them, nor do they have time to bother about women they’re not truly interested in. They like you or they don’t.
This kind of guy makes a forgivable mistake of assuming more intimacy than is actually there, because in this small market, that isn’t usually a bad thing to assume. People here have fewer options, so the thing this type takes for granted is that you want to be deeply involved with them, or do things that, for an American, would usually take a lot more time and trust to get to.
Even though it’s kind of weird to me, I like this better than the sleepers. I would rather a guy be too territorial or too excited about doing things together than too distant or lazy. If I have to pick my poison in this, I’ll take the overzealous.