i posted anonymous for personal reasons though IronWynch will know by my other comment. This article is what turned the tide for me… on a very turbulent sea. my psychology began in the womb of a mother who admitted she wanted me to be a girl and talked to the baby in her belly as if I was one… throughout my childhood this would have a serious impact on me the cause remaining unknown to me until studying psychology in University which prompted just two weeks before her death our conversation about her life when pregnant with me.
i was raised by a tyrant of a father who my mother fled from to the abandonment of her children to escape the violence. I have forgiven but never forgotten that pivotaI moment when I watched my father beat my mother to the floor and drag her to her feet by her beautiful long hair and reapeated the beatings several times in one rage. to this day any man who ever harms a woman in my sight has and will suffer a terrible beating at my hands as it sparks an almost unquenchable rage within me. but i digress…
I was raised by this monster who also had no problems beating on children also apparently so I became a very solitude person. I wanted a girlfriend but was terrified of girls and because of my home life had become the type of boy girls were terrified of. when I was ten I learned about masturbation from a friend who described it to me. until then i was non-sexual but i quickly became a chronic masturbator. which led to my unhealthy preference for my own hand and imagination over real human contact with girls until i was sixteen when I was lucky enough to meet my first real girlfriend which we remained for two years until highschool was over, her being two years younger than me and i left home. from 19-25 I had short encounters with a few young women but still a chronic masturbator i used porn (magazines) … now I will sum up in order to change tack that all through this 10-25 timeframe the girl aspect of my personality would manifest itself only in my private masturbation.. i cross dressed and sought out things for anal penetration and considerred myself a girl in the fantasy because in hustler and penthouse i was seeing not only women but alot of penis too and this began to fuel my baser passions which during the period of 15-25 would always follow rejection by females. so that freshly rejected I would entertain these homosexual urges in masturbation and then once the orgasm was over would abandon all evidence of my horrifying secret… which i was deeply ashamed of.
then when i was 24 I finally succumbed to the temptations and sought out a gay man who gladly allowed me to suck him off while I masturbated.. and over the next few years when ever i was rejected or felt rejected by a woman I would immasculate myself this way to satisfy this strange curiosity of girlhood i seemed to seek. I will say i was not attracted to men at all… it was the humiliation factor that aroused me. in my mind there was never a definite picture of a particular man or type of man. but the arousal was that of the dominated under possesion of the dominant…
which leads me to an eight year marraige with a woman who when we met was young and very beautiful attractive curvy… and who after two years allowed her true “narcissus” and tyranical side show and when she began to reject me I turned to masturbation and fantasy… but I remained faithful to her for the remaining six years for the sake of our two children. even though she left me four times over eight years uprooting the children usually for about two or three months at a time… and came back to me pregnant two times and aborted two times… i remained faithful and a man of my word. but around year six is when she began to make herself unnattractive in a masculine way… and from my reading of what seems now to be the largely feminist idea for keeping it together I started to think maybe intigrating my fantasy life and real life would help so we began what this article clearly defines… i coerced her to do things she found unnatural and didnt like.
when she finally left me the fourth time there was no reconciling..
Now over the last four years I ha e been in two relationships with women who were dominant and into pegging and with both of them as the kink became more euphoric i began to lose interrest in their needs to the extent I lost my passion for my favorite past times.. fucking and eating pussy! and that is a true statement because I am not physically attracted to men and the few times i have now allowed gay men to fuck me I did not like it so much… if it can be even stated a rubber dildo worn by a woman is far better. The woman has to be part of the equation… yet i agree that it leads nowhere and so have given up being pegged because my true passion is in my ability to provide women with strings of multiples and my real desire and to satisfy with my above average endowment and attention to detail has prevailed. I am liberated in that I no longer ha e that nagging feeling that I might be gay… I answered the call of my hungry prostate and strange intillectually/imagionation driven/stimulated sex drive… I got to be the girl in a semi healthy at least safe environment finally in my forties with a woman who was totally turned on by seeing me becoming a girl and riding her. the problem is clear though… and that is i began to neglect her needs so i could transform. Now that little girl inside me has been put to rest. I do not identify as gay… or homosexual…. I am sexual. and I have chosen after all the play and exploration to be what I prefer: a dominant man who loves to fuck women and eat pussy! because after all of the quirks and kinks are set aside my favorite intimate moment is when I am in control of a woman who is riding that wave of orgasm that keeps going and going and she is experiencing those strings of multiples and i am keeping her on that wave and it is up to me whether to let her off the wave or keep her afloat upon it.