It appears that I may have a date. It’s still early in the day, so all sorts of things can still go wrong. If Fate is with me though, the new guy and I will be meeting tonight.
I’m not sure how to take this. I was all hunkered down for a few weeks of processing him out, lining up a roster of replacements to dry my tears, and whining to Diva and Boho Chick about the new scar on my soul.
I’ve been faithfully and fervently saying my prayers to Eshu, thanking him every morning and every night for waking me up and getting me through the day. Asking him to clear my mind and heart of useless illusions. Chanting the mantra of the Heart Sutra.
Yes, I know it seems paradoxical to on the one hand behave like a whiny girl whose feelings are hurt, and on the other like a calm old sage who is used to loss and takes it in stride. I do this though, because I love my inner child, my inner teen, and my inner young adult. Just because I’m not about to crone doesn’t mean that I forget how I survived long enough to get here.
One of the differences that I love about Vodun is the lack of pretense. You don’t have to be ideal or at least you don’t have to be in denial of your non ideal state. Growth happens at its own speed, and one should not rush it. At the moment that I actually don’t feel rejection or loss deeply, I will behave that way. Until then, I understand that I should not give a crap if some dude doesn’t want to be with me, but since I do give that crap, I will deal with that fact while looking forward to that day I can not give a crap.
So I was ready. I’d even gotten to the point that I could still be friendly about it. Once I understood that this wasn’t a replay of the narcissist, and that he probably wasn’t bullshitting me so much as going through some stuff he needed to work out in his own mind, I’d come to a place of acceptance. So some dialogues about things more important than our relationship, like his spiritual development, continued.
There was an important retreat that I wish he could have attended. After the reports from Diva, I wish I could have attended too. The Rinpoche Garchen visited Israel, and by all accounts, it was a wonderful learning experience. Highlights of the retreat are available on Youtube. Diva was initiated to White Tara there. I sent him the link.
So though I was angry at first, I got over myself. If a three year old kid who isn’t even yours has a tantrum and starts screaming at you that they hate you, you don’t take this personally or hold it against them for the rest of their life. You understand they are having a moment, and so long as they aren’t coddled, they’ll grow out of that. Well, it’s the same if the kid is in their mid to late 20’s.
At his age, with his level of experience, though many things about him are very advanced, he just hasn’t had the time to learn certain things about life, about sex, and about love. When you’re dating a younger person, you have to let them grow up…if it’s something they’ll grow out of.
When things first went down, I didn’t know whether he was being truthful or if it was really that he was going back to the herd, or if he was just having a moment. I still don’t know for sure. I guess I will see soon.