Edit: As it turns out, all of this was just a big deception on the mistake’s part. I was right and he was planning to dump me. I missed a couple of cues in the meeting that should have warned me not to believe him and not to touch him. I guess he was too weak to just dump me that day to my face when it actually would have been appropriate. He has no honor, so he decided to hit it one last time and dump me two days later over the phone.
Yesterday, the newling and I had a good long talk. We went out for lunch so we could do it on neutral territory in case there needed to be any walking away. There wasn’t any, but there was a lot of clarification and honesty. I got some good live examples to go along with the theoretical new knowledge about the difference between dating in Israel and the U.S.
Aside of the general cultural issues, there was the human individual side: what the deal is between him and me. He told me something very important that explained how, yet again, I was assumed to be nicer/cooler than I actually am. I am too encouraging and not critical enough. In Israel, part of the mating dance is kind of Klingon in that the more feminine party assumes the role of shaper, and starts to improve the masculine party through criticism and demanding he fix things. I did not do enough of this because in the states, this gets you dumped or labelled as toxic. I didn’t realize this was welcome.
This led me to misunderstanding him in some ways. I basically assumed he was more of a pussy than he is because I assume all men are pussies that way…a bit of misandry that I needed to be made aware of. I’m sharing this in my blog because it is a damaging part of the mating dance in the U.S. to be overly fawning and encouraging of men in an effort to be less misandrist. However, this is just as bad as when a closet racist is overly friendly with people of color. It’s a try-hard anomic response that discounts the humanity of the person in front of you…assuming they need you to coddle or boost them when what they need is an honest interaction.
I’m not saying that women in the U.S. should adopt an Israeli dating style, just that there should be some honesty once someone’s penis has been in you. Look at the man in front of you and the relationships he has with other people. If he is courageous with everyone else, why wouldn’t he be that with you?
So, this was solved then and there. I told him about a couple of scratches that I noticed, and a few of my fears…shared a bit of my crazy. That bit solved.
Then we got to the pressure issue. He said that he felt I was getting attached and that I would pressure him to stay with me. I made sure that he understood this was very not the case. It took a few times of repeating though, which is disturbing in a familiar way. I think he got the point when I got a little witchy-scary and revealed another part of my crazy which is that I do not fear loss. I dislike it very much, but I do not fear it. I have lost so many things and people that if I continued to fear it past elementary school, I would be institutionalized by now.
So I came to understand and accept that I will lose everything. It happens to everyone who lives long enough. I took care of old people. I know the deal. Eventually everyone leaves, changes and their path takes them away, or dies. It is only a matter of when. So I try to preserve relationships that are safe to, and build wealth so I can help my family’s future generations, and do some good while I am here, but I understand that everything, self included, ends.
When we got to feelings, it got really honest. I was thankful for the information, as it helped me to understand how to proceed. I let him know how I felt. I like him. I can’t say for certain how it landed, but I hope that he understands me better. He said he was happy about it but he looked a bit confused. I told him that no matter how I feel about someone, that is not the thing that is relevant. If it becomes unsafe to express those emotions, the expression will stop regardless of what I am feeling.
My emotions are mine and my responsibility. They are not his fault, and if he doesn’t love me, then they are not his business. He is just like any other person on the street who doesn’t give a shit about me. I’m not going to share things with him that he has no interest in.
In short, mistakes were made that are now being corrected. He understands now why I don’t have absolutely complete confidence in his ability to resist culty vipassanas or destructive women. I understand why he thought my treating him like a human constituted pressure. We’re cool.
The best thing that came out of this, in my opinion, is that he understands that I do not have the small country pressure to marry agenda running in the background. If he fucks up enough, I will be done and walk away regardless of my sentimental attachment to him. I have a family and ile to manage. I do not have a second of my day to spare for bullshit.
I was hiding the wrong things and revealing the wrong things. It was imbalanced. I also allowed myself to be lazy and take a break from hunting, and this was another thing that gave him the impression that he was under pressure. The hunting issue has been corrected already. I have two potential candidates who I have to see if they’ll fit in my circle of trust. One of them is a stable guy who seems to have a good work ethic. He reminds me a bit of my friend Longstroke. He seems a bit vulgar and try-hard, but I think this is mainly a matter of lack of experience. He’s not pushy, just bumbling.
The other is a student who is aiming to be a social worker. His history in serving humanity thusfar shows considerable emotional courage, and at least so far he seems very Santa. We’ll see.
If they pass Shai’s filters, they will probably pass the newling’s. If they don’t then it’s a no.
Basically, he understands that if he wants to leave, then I’m like:
If there is pressure, it’s not pressure to get him to stay. It is pressure to be careful because if he is uncareful, he will lose me forever. It’s the same pressure I’m under. I don’t know how he figured he could have any human interaction without that pressure, but lesson learned I guess. If you treat people badly or abandon them, you can lose them.
He’s decided that he doesn’t want to lose me yet.
In summary, we’re good at least for now.