Not through denial. Not through forgetting. This is just the level I’ve reached through a combination of self discipline and experience. I have no use for false humility or pretending to be more fragile than I actually am, which is very. Nor am I being arrogant. I have to thank for this my mentors and teachers, as well as good friends who remind me of the basics when it’s needed.
I wrote the post on mistressing one’s emotions because I realized that very few out there are teaching self mastery in a way that is really starting at the beginning. The few who are somewhat are usually recruiting for a cult. They use the methods for destroying the illusion of self that actually work as a tool to lure people into an energy funnel. They let that destruction sit without context. While the person is disoriented, they strip them of their sense of self when what an ethical guru or group would do is merely readjust a person’s sense of self to account for the principle of non division.
Yes, self is an illusion, but it is a useful illusion that is best, while someone lives in a “mortal” form, placed into context rather than destroyed.
So that you can see what is on the other side of the mountain of self mastery, at least to the level I have reached, I will tell you a bit about where I am in the process of “heartbreak”. Let me warn you, do not pretend to be here if you are not here yet. I am not at the level that I want to be ultimately. I still have a very long way to go. Do not be overly impressed with me. You will get here too if you work at it…but there are no shortcuts. You will have to get here at your own speed, and there are many steps to get here. You may be faster or slower than me or others attempting the same feat.
I have not fully mastered my emotions. Where I am now is just where I can reactively get them in check after realizing an emotional mistake. I hope to someday be able to prevent my emotions from clouding my thinking, and to assimilate data and accept it for what it is, before becoming emotionally invested in someone.
In any case, since the breakup, I have been basically figuring out the mistake, how it was made, and how I allowed myself to hope that someone obviously incapable of owning his feelings for me, would do so. Looking back, it seems my instincts were attempting to warn me that the end was near when he disrespected my time. I also did not trust my instincts enough, and allowed others (understandably younger and putting feelings at the front) to convince me that I was reacting through trauma, and not rightfully sensing that soon he would find his excuse and leave.
I am not sure that he is aware that the herd got him. He believes that he is too contrary for this to happen. Yet, his actions speak louder than his words…which mean nothing at this point. He still wants to talk to me, but how can more lies he tells me or himself help the situation?
So I am not happy with him. I do understand what he has done and why. I also understand however, that I am a human being, and I will make mistakes. I would rather be the person who occasionally trusts and loves people who don’t deserve it than to be the bitch who rejects people who do deserve my love and attention. I felt stupid for a few days, but then understood that his stupid has nothing to do with me.
Mastering emotions is not denying them. It is not minimizing or invalidating them. It is dealing with them on the face, going through them, and sorting out which ones make sense and which ones don’t. When it comes to mating and dating, one has to sort through a whole host of things, some of which should be sorted before one puts themselves out there, and some to sort out over time and experience, and some to sort out with each individual case.
Before he and I met, I had been rejected, heartbroken, abused, and abandoned enough to realize and accept that some people suck, that their suckiness has nothing to do with me, and that the ways I suck have nothing to do with them. We each own our own crap. A proper mate has crap that matches my crap. Neither of us is going to be perfect or ideal.
Red Lightning and I didn’t touch for two years at one time. I think it was between 2012 and 2014. I could be wrong. However, he did keep in touch, and never told me he was done. When I would get upset and accuse him of all sorts of not caring about me, he would pretty much ignore it or tell me I’m wrong and then shut up and still message every once in awhile to see how I was doing.
This is not a good situation. It is a very crappy situation. If some guy did that to me now, I would just walk away after a couple of months if he was not very VERY special. However, it is a case in point that I am not hot to get rid of someone who is not hot to get rid of me, so long as there is a connection there. Once I’m bonded, that’s it unless or until they tell me that my love is unwanted.
Once someone dumps me, that’s it. I’m told that in Israel, it’s normal for people to go back and forth all the time, but I don’t care how normal it is. As Shai warned me, which let me know we were compatible at least in one way early on, I warn others that they get one time to kill me. Then I’m dead. No matter how I feel about them, I will not return. If they want to return, their one chance to approach me personally has been used. To return, they have to pass the gauntlet of my tribe and then be branded or tattooed on the arm. Thusfar, none have been willing. They just keep trying to get back in cheaply without having to prove that they will never make a fool of me again.
Trust is so much easier to break than it is to rebuild once it is broken.
In any case, once it is clear that someone does not care one whit about me, and apparently couldn’t even see me through their own bullshit, I purge them.
It would be unfair to omit that one of the things that has accelerated my recovery time is being a leader. When you are responsible for guiding others, you don’t have the time to be wrapped up in your own pettiness. Far too many leaders allow themselves too much frivolity, but this is, as I mentioned in the last article, due to shoddy upbringing.
My parents were by no means perfect, but they are strivers. They strive to be better human beings, and have been at it all their lives. Once they became leaders, they strove to be better leaders every day. They have succeeded in being very good ones. I have excellent examples to look to.
So I have lots of motivation to get through these things as quickly as possible. Some of you who’ve been reading me for years remember how I used to be. It was much slower and more dramatic. I’d be down for weeks or months and once, with Papa II, I let him return semi cheaply because I figured that maybe he’d grown up a bit. Monumental mistake.
At some point, one has to take responsibility and be their own Gatekeeper. I respect Nature, and respect Orisha Oshun enough to know we don’t exactly choose who we love. Since it is our love though, we must own it and take responsibility for it. When it is harmful to nurture it, we must let it go.
Ah…but what about non division? Once you do feel a connection to everything, can you not feel connected to someone?
Well, one has to remember that feelings are not facts. None of us knows the Ultimate Truth. I’m not sure that this is possible while living in a “mortal” body. It’s blocked from us. However, embracing what of it we can, based on the fact of connection to everything, no one leaves me. He is still as much with me as he was a few days ago, a few months ago, a few years ago before we were even conscious of each other’s existence…before we were ever born, our ancestors’ ancestors set actions in motion that led us to touch.
Whether he is in my bed or not, whether he loves me or not, he is a part of me, and I am a part of him. He can tell himself whatever lies he wants, but his feelings, as mine, are merely cosmetics…paint to help organize our worlds and maintain the useful illusions each of us needs to maintain to live.
…and here we come to a problem of poser “buddhism” as opposed to real Buddhism…
Right now, in my room, is burning some Medicine Buddha incense. It is an herbal mixture for practical therapy that mainly smooths the mind’s dismissal of ignorance. I wouldn’t call it a cure for stupidity, but it makes it more difficult to persist with stupidity, especially since it has been blessed by Garchan Rinpoche.
To be taught meditation without being taught compassion or integration with the Universe is damaging. Those running around doing vipassanas that do not begin with some sort of being in the dirt, the wind, the rain, and that nobody has to earn entrance to with some suffering, are doing westerners a great disservice. I would even say that they are perhaps weaponized to render as many as possible useless.
It would be like welcoming westerners into Vodun without attempting to deprogram them as much as possible from colonist or colonized mentality. Some have done this, and it has screwed them. I make sure that anyone I teach is very clear that African diaspora systems are African…not just originating in Africa, but that the African ancestry of the vast majority of practitioners is highly relevant.
The Asian-ness of Buddhism is very relevant. To strip it of this may be the cool thing to do, and it may have been the “expedient means” that saves as many as possible by coaxing them out of the burning mansion that is western culture. However, at some point early on it should be clear and explicit that one will not benefit the most from Buddhism without unshackling not only from western-ness but embracing some real practical eastern-ness.
We are all one, yes…so every culture deserves its due respect. Those who disrespect Asian philosophy and religion by de-asianizing it to exploit westerners are a shameful lot indeed.
I have benefited greatly from real Buddhism. It gave me another culture’s version of, “Birds of all sorts land.”
“Gate, gate, paragate, parasamgate, bodhi svaha!”
So just as the meeting was inevitable, and my love for him inevitable, the end was inevitable. It was just a matter of when or how. If we had stayed together, one of us would have had to watch the other die.
Okay, so it might take some of the romance out of life for some to see Death behind the eyes of every new lover. I think it puts a lot of romance in.
Looking into his eyes, each time he blinked and his eyes closed, I was grateful each time they opened and closed again. I was grateful for every touch…grateful for every kiss…grateful for it all.
Now it is physically gone. Perhaps spiritually or psychologically no bonding was ever there for him, at least not that he could reach. He seemed more in love with women who had never touched him and women who left him than he was with me. Perhaps he was only with me because he felt at the time he had no other options. Who knows? Who cares? I got some joy from it while it lasted.
…and that is how I am over it. My feelings are very amusing, but the fact is that everything ends.
I do wonder though, if it’s a coincidence that he decided to dump me on the anniversary of the day my cat Laurie died, or if Eshu and Ogun are planning something.