Okay, now we’re on Day 2 of “Alone Time”, which is actually Unknown Time. Since it’s unknown, it may as well be forever. My inner animal is a dog. I hope for a lot, but don’t expect anything. There’s only so much disappointment one can take without stopping expecting people to stay or to come back when they walk away, to stay benevolent, to not become hostile or exploitative or violent, and therefore stopping being disappointed. I suppose in that way, I’m a stoic. I wake up every day understanding that there may be turmoil, pain, betrayal, and that it is not taken for granted that my interactions with humans will be beneficial. So when things go well, I understand that it is a blessing.
It’s not gloom and doom. Expecting trouble is as bad as expecting peaches and rainbows. It’s about balance.
Anyway, my recovery systems are intact. I woke up today prepared for whatever happens with anyone including the newling. I’m taking the opportunity of Unknown Time to do kinda the same thing he is doing.
Last year, on my birthday, I was in a mind that it’s okay for me to have needs and okay to get them met and okay that I travel light unless or until someone starts to be more than a dick. Some guy from an online app wanted to join the festivities with me and my friends. I let him. Since then he visits once in awhile. Until Unknown Time, it had started to be about once a week, which is way against my once a month rule. Since he showed some endurance though, I let this be because why not. As long as he didn’t start acting a fool…
Well, this one is on me I guess. I believed someone saying with their lips that they didn’t want to be kept at a professional distance. He said he wanted me to be real, so I was, and now I’m being punished for it…well he may think he’s punishing me anyway.
Truth be told, they want the lie.
They want to be coddled and free of any obligations and responsibility…for pussy to fall out of the sky onto their penis because they exist, and then disappear with no demands. Some of them I guess like it a little more rustic flavored, and want someone to talk to, someone who will be supportive of them, and someone who will care for them, who they don’t need to show any care for in return. They can be full of scratches and scars, but if the woman doesn’t respond to things whatever society or Hollywood or their new age wannabe pseudobuddhist friends determine is ideally, she’s toxic or some other word for monster.
I am not dancing this jig. Sorry.
I expect nothing. I demand that people who wish to receive my loyalty, give me loyalty in return. Otherwise, it is an exploitative situation, and I am out. Period.
It is not wrong to want reciprocation. I bring a lot to the table…a long and arduous track record of standing by my loved ones even when they were definitely not behaving ideally, and definitely against any external threats. I can’t even see someone I don’t even know being bullied without stepping in. If he returns saying that goenka harmed him in any way, they will become my enemy.
On the other hand, if he chooses the herd over me, it will be just like everyone else who has chosen the herd over me. I will thank the herd for culling the excess from my inner habitat.
I am not asking too much. I am not asking anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. It is simply that if I do not feel wanted someplace, I will not be there. I do not force myself on anyone. People are free to go or stay as they please, but if they’re staying then they can’t be stupid, useless, or exploitative. That’s it.