At some point I had to take a step back and look at my situation. I realized that most of my pain when it comes to relationships is self inflicted. I expect nothing, but demand a lot in order for someone to keep my attention. It’s not their fault if they don’t measure up to my standards.
I learned not to take this personally. My standards are incredibly high. Just last night there was an incident after which Diva had to explain to me that is is highly abnormal for someone to have a level of awareness that they could articulate why they are distancing themselves from a lover after a goenka vipassana.
I’m like, “…but they’re obviously a cult.”
She’s like,”Yes, but the meditation is difficult.”
I’m like, “In what way is any form of meditation that one doesn’t need to be standing with one foot on a pole difficult?”
I forget that I have been meditating almost since I was born. I was one of those kids who could easily amuse herself and shut down physical needs for hours.
I also forget that most people are not used to being treated like humans, especially in relationships. They are usually treated like objects or functions. Because I tend to treat people like humans, regardless of what I tell them about what their place is with me, they mistake my treating them humanely for some sort of permanence. I don’t pressure anyone to stay with me who hasn’t been with me more than 5 years. I will not fight if they choose to walk away. Better earlier when I don’t rely or count on them for anything, than later when I do.
So…the newling is panicking again. He decided to take some alone time after his traumatic vipassana, but didn’t give a why or a time frame until I checked him. I am not a doll who can just be put on a shelf with no questions. Then he said that because I demand what I’d consider basic consideration for the fact that there are only 24 hours in a day, I have work and a family to care for, and no time to be waiting around for nonsense, he needs to think about our relationship.
I’m like what relationship?
What we have could be considered a sort of a relationship in that we are two humans interacting somewhat regularly. I don’t discount the possibility of some sort of future, but come on…he’s generation Z. Though I wouldn’t go as far as to call him the NMS posterboy, he does have some scratches that I could see as potential red flags.
There is just no way in HELL I would let myself believe that he would even recognize it if he does love me. He can’t appreciate it unless or until he at least gets to the point of awareness that freedom can’t be had at the same time as loyalty. Loyalty is giving up your freedom to choose whatever you feel like doing as far as your base urges, for a higher good. When you are in a real relationship, you need loyalty, trust, honor, and commitment. Since I do not yet see him as loyal because he’s not doing anything to prove loyalty, I do not consider us in a partnership. I consider us having an amicable affair…a series of trysts.
…but because I haven’t felt the need to hunt much since we became sort of regular, and I give and demand respect, I guess I’m not being whorish enough, and he thinks I’m trying to marry him or something. I may joke about it or optimistically be open to the possibility that he might stick around, but I am not counting on this at all. So he’s worried about nothing.
So I feel like I did when I was a kid sometimes. Faced with people operating on a bizarro reality that I can’t imagine, but have to accept, the teacher has told my parents something, and I know there is a beating waiting for me when I return home. School ends at 3:15pm, and I am watching the clock tick closer to pain.
I have too much going on. I have a life to live, and things to do, and surgery to look forward to. I need to get my place ready to deal with being unable to walk further than the bathroom for a few days, and months of recovery. Bonus, we are moving in August. I don’t have time to wait for beatings from people who overestimate their power over me. I resent being put in the position of having to dance to someone else’s schedule who has not earned that place in my life even if I feel affection for them in my heart.
One important lesson that I have learned, that he should before he fucks himself, is that Nature doesn’t care about my heart, only about my actions. So even though I like him, he does not get a pass for thinking I don’t deserve to know what is going on. Alone time is fine. I often need time alone. I just tell my loved ones what is going on so they understand that it isn’t about them…and if it is about them, I don’t play stupid power games or lie. I tell them plainly, “I need some time away from YOU.” They also get to ask why, because as someone I love and whose love I welcomed into my life, they deserve an answer. If he didn’t think I deserved to know what’s going on, then that tells me all I needed to know about how he regards me.
So I know exactly where I stand with him. He’s made it very clear. I just hate that I haven’t managed yet to accurately express in Israeli terms, not to mistake my kindness for weakness. I have some ideas for tweaks. If he returns, they will be executed. If he doesn’t then lesson learned through loss. I’ll miss him. I liked him…but this fearfulness…cowardice is disgusting me.
Oh crap, I think I’m over it.
I just realized that if I have to flip the script and be the Boss Bitch who’s keeping her pimp hand strong, then he’s stuck in position. He can never be my man if he never becomes dependable and resists being depended on. I will keep him at a professional distance unless or until he shows personal value. So he is really and truly worried for nothing.
It’s not like I didn’t warn him. One useless guy who doesn’t give a shit about me is as good as another. If someone doesn’t think I am enough, good fucking riddance.