We all make mistakes. None of us comes to any kind of relationship without some baggage or prejudices based on ignorance or faulty information. These days when people are already walking on eggshells in conventional relationships, a Primal situation can seem a nightmare. Even worse, it is the best sex you will ever have in your life. You will never have that again with anyone who isn’t Primal. If you want to get it back, either in the form of the Primal partner you made the mistake with and lost, or in a new partner, you have to know what you did wrong and how to fix it or not make the same mistake again.
Usual disclaimers about generalization, gender labels, and reading your specific situation, yadda yadda. I’m going to cover some of the most common mistakes that I’ve observed, experienced, and made. Feel free to add your perspective and cautionary tales in the comments.
As I’ve mentioned before, a Primal will not take you seriously as a partner unless or until you are doing something practical for them. Until then, you are on probation or being extended loads of good faith, no matter how intense their expression of affection is towards you. Someone becomes or remains sexually Primal because they could not conform to the current social-sexual zeitgeist, so it doesn’t matter what the trends are or what people normally do.
If a Primal male/masculine/variable is shagging you, they will want to protect you and provide for you. If a Primal female/feminine/variable is shagging you, they will want to nurture you and manage your wellbeing. They will make moves accordingly, whether they view you as a mate, a pet, or a friend. We compartmentalize. The sex is in one place, and the relationship may overlap with the sex, but the relationship is not the sex. If you never reciprocate, we are going to lose all but sexual interest, and with females and some variables, even that will die.
So there is no need to “put us in our place”. We know what our place is by what you are doing for us or not. If you feel the need to tell us what our place is, especially if you repeat phrases to remind us that you are not in love and/or that it is not a serious relationship and/or that you are in it just for fun, we are going to view this as a need for space. We will not violate your space. When the distance grows too great, and that depends on the individual, we will simply find someone else to do. There is a point when putting us in our place will be received as a rejection. If the reasoning has to do with anything other than their behavior towards you, like family, society, or anyone else you put between you, then whether or not we view it or you mean it as a rejection, you will become repellent. Whether or not the Primal person you’re involved with is a very free thinker, we tend to be the sort of people who value this in a person, and the less independence of thought you have, the more repellent you will be.
If you had just kept your mouth shut about it unless or until there was a real problem like they actually ask you why you don’t reciprocate, everything would have been fine. Some young, very naive Primal folk may be used to a certain degree of reciprocation at a friendship level that you may not be willing to enter until pet or mate level. If lines need to be clarified, this is not going to be the end. We get the need for space and degrees of intimacy very well. However, if you make us feel bad about being good to you, it is just going to stop. By the time someone actually identifies as Primal, they have reached a level of self awareness that precludes stalking or harassing behavior. So if that was what you were afraid of, then boy are you in for a surprise. If you banked any ego on this person following you around like a puppy, bad news.
We might like you, but there are reams of forums on the internet full of likeminded people. Someone else will dry our tears from your rejection. So if you want to get that Primal back into your life, you’d better move fast or someone else won’t just take your place, they will hit that in a way that it won’t be the same again…but maybe it is for the best. You obviously couldn’t handle them. They are nature and you are industry. So it’s the best sex you ever had, but you don’t need the best. You need someone prettier and/or with higher status.
…but if you too are Primal, and just weren’t comfortable with the reality of your feelings while you were with them, you might have a problem. Pretty is not going to be enough to fill that hole in your soul where truth should be. Higher status is not going to fool you into believing that their weak pats and shallow thrusts are ever going to hit that beast inside you right.
Before you even get any further in this article, call them. Call them once every day until they answer. If you’re male, offer a dinner date or to bring some food and maybe beer. If you’re female, invite them over and ask them to bring food and maybe beer. Do a demonstration of arranging it all on plates or at least napkins or something. Something ingestible needs to be involved. It’s a symbolic sharing of resources and nurturing.
Take back whatever it is you said that downgraded them. If you can’t then don’t even bother trying to get them back. Just go on with your normal little life and let them find someone more suitable.
Formally Ending The Relationship
Some of us don’t do long term. We’re wanderers who barely mate for the week much less for life. If you did run into one of us who does have long term relationships, we tend to take them quite seriously no matter how many we have simultaneously.
(I personally am somewhere in between. I travel light until around the 5th year. I warn people long before they get to one of my crazy triggers or the crazy time.)
If you dumped them before you were their protector or nurturer, then you will have to do the equivalent of crawling over broken glass and carving their name in your flesh with one of the shards to get them to trust you again. It is very unlikely that the eat-mate-sleep-build-kill type is going to see any point in getting back with you just because of feelings.
If you can get them to talk to you at all, they might fuck you, but they’re not going to trust you.
Whatever openness they showed you in the past will be gone. You will no longer be invited to tribe functions. They might feed you before or after fucking you, but don’t expect much effort in that unless they have already prepared something. If they’re female, the most you can expect is maybe an omelette or something warmed up from the freezer.
Basically, you will get your casual wish occasionally. Maybe once a month or three. Anything can bump you down on their priority list.
If you just missed the sex, this might be okay for you. However, if you realized you were in love with them after you dumped them, well…we’ll just see how in love you are. It will be tested.
Right or wrong, they will probably torture you awhile. You’ll be kept at a safe distance at first. They’ll be waiting for you to at least state your intentions. Then once you do, they are going to put you through some shit like a cat you just beat. We tend to be very protective of ourselves despite the toughness because we feel very deeply. It’s one of our main features, owning our feelings and allowing them to be. We’ve embraced our inner animal, and you’ve wounded it.
Even if it was due to ignorance, youth, or carelessness rather than malice, you are still a threat to to them. You will have to work very hard to prove that you not only do not mean any harm, but that you would never want to live without them again. It sounds crazy, but this is what it is.
If they have a tribe, then you have used your one chance to approach them directly. If you want to return and be trusted, you have to convince their tribe that you are safe. Attempting to bypass them could frankly land you in the hospital or worse. Generally, the women of the tribe protect against invading parasite females. The men of the tribe protect against invading parasite males.
The witches of the tribe…well, if you make yourself a bother then we don’t care what you are. When you left, all of the energy and blessings you received from our brother or sister returned to them or to the tribe. When you leave, you no longer deserve to benefit from their existence. We are the spiritual warriors of the tribe, and consciously connected. When you steal from them, you steal from us. We take it personally.
So if your life was hell without our brother or sister when you left the first time, imagine how it will be if you leave again. We’re not just mean to you and going to haze you upon returning for our member’s sake. It is for yours too. You should understand what you are getting into if a Primal tribe has witches…and most that I know of do.
Do I even have to say it?
Well…some of us can handle some small missteps. It depends how aligned they are with raccoon, bat, chameleon, snake, mouse type energy. Almost all animals, especially humans, use deception to some degree. Almost all social interaction or conversation has some elements of manipulation. There are lines though.
Some may enjoy a good game. Many reptilian oriented people I know enjoy wit and rough banter of the more clever sort than usual. This type sees certain things like a dance. There are couples who constantly prank one another. Most do have lines though.
Wherever the lines are, if you crossed one, you will have to, same as in the case of abandonment, work really hard to re-establish trust if you want back in. You may have to accept a change in position: a downgrade. Expect that you will be punished if you choose to stay. You will have to take enough responsibility for what you’ve done to accept the punishment.
I have seen this happen in some tribes, and I have seen it work. I have also seen some plans like this fail to work because the offender couldn’t take responsibility or the offended couldn’t get over it. In the latter case, the offender should understand that nobody owes them forgiveness.
A Primal person is going to be more forgiving on average, to a certain degree of human failure. We have to be or we could never be around “normal” people. We would not be able to forgive ourselves for some mistakes we made along the way trying to be “normal” or raging against whatever systems or limitations we hated. However, nobody should expect forgiveness or demand forgiveness.
One big mistake I’ve seen some tribes make is trying to get someone to forgive someone for messing up. When I see this happening, I counsel against it because it reminds me too much of the creepy way some religious people sweep things under the rug. No way that is okay. If someone was wronged and does not want to forgive the person who wronged or betrayed them, they should not be pressured to.
I would even go as far as to say one shouldn’t even persuade a fellow to forgive or overlook the disloyal tendencies of someone outside the tribe. Having a tribe kinda raises your bar. This is totally natural and acceptable. If someone doesn’t trust outsiders who behave a certain way, don’t accuse them of being paranoid or overly limited. Being Primal isn’t a club that is recruiting…at least not that I know of anyway. We don’t need to be overly tolerant.
So if you have messed up with a more wild dog, wolfy, seal, whale type, then expect their friends to rally around to protect them from you. You will have to prove yourself to them before you’ll get close to the one you screwed over.
You Went Too Deep
Sometimes it happens in a Primal or mixed relationship that someone goes a little too far and reveals a bit of darkness or weirdness that is too much for their partner. The freaked out partner goes distant and may or may not explain why. What do you do when you’ve said too much or gone too far?
Whatever you do, don’t turn it around on them or call them repressed or closed minded. As I’ve said before in my article on pegging, the other person is not obligated to agree with you about everything, or to participate in everything you like to do. If they are uncomfortable with an activity, don’t pressure them into it. Don’t blame them for what they don’t like. When you start playing the judgement game, it can work both ways.
If your partner is Primal, just not repeating the mistake may be enough. We will usually take whatever step back, space, or time needed, and there may be no need to talk about it deeply. If they do want to talk about it, then do, but if they don’t then don’t make them talk about it. Verbalizing certain feelings may be difficult, and some things can’t be easily articulated.
If your partner isn’t very Primal, expect a talk and maybe some being judged. It’s up to you how far you’ll let this go. Just understand that unless you pushed their known personal boundaries or broke consent, you don’t deserve too much harshness. Be aware that with women, some level of harshness is to be expected because sex is generally a scarier, more dangerous thing for us. Encourage a woman to be open about her feelings and her needs, especially when they concern safety, physical or emotional. You will learn important things about her that, if you intend to become her protector, will be valuable information both in and outside the bedroom.
With men, issues of emotional safety may pop up. Most young men in the west were not raised to address these issues as their moms’ femininity was fractured, and their dads had some degree of NMS. They either modeled themselves after a stereotypical macho persona, internalized a belief that they are monsters, embraced some fake new age style self hating masculinity that is a bad copy of femininity, or don’t know what the hell is going on inside them. Primal sex or even just talks with a Primal partner that go deep enough, are going to confuse and possibly offend them until they are given deeper thought.
It can seem very weird to the feminine person in the relationship that they could be pushing a masculine person’s limits by being feminine. This happens though. Some guys with unbalanced masculinity experience the feminine person’s natural physical and emotional gatekeeping and desire to nurture as pressure. What would draw a natural man closer makes them want to run away even though the natural woman is simply being herself.
If it’s like that…you’re a masculine person simply being a protector, provider, and penetrator, or if you’re a feminine person simply being a nurturer, manager, and receiver, and they have freaked out, try talking about it. In my experience, this doesn’t always help, but it’s worth a shot. Just be ready to hear or find out when they dump you that some people don’t want balance. Some masculine people want a feminine person trying to mock a masculine person, and some feminine people want a masculine person trying to mock a feminine person. Some guys who are willing to be providers don’t want to be protectors. They want to live in an emotionally flatlined relationship because this feels like safety to them. Some women don’t want a man to be their protector or provider. Some men failed them in the past or their femininity was shamed, and they reject any attempt to lighten their survival burden as an attempt to control them.
People suck sometimes…but sometimes it’s not so much about sucking as it is just having different needs. You can’t impose your model for a relationship on someone else. So if talking about it doesn’t work, and you can’t negotiate a way to treat each other that is sane for you, or they dump you because you’re freaking them out, just let it go. You have a core compatibility issue that is not going to be resolved any time soon. Maybe never.
(This article is a work in progress. Feel free to comment with ideas and advice.)