Applying the Lessons Learned

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Though I am over the “heartbreak”, some things take the time they take to process. At this point, on Holocaust Memorial day, enough time has passed that I understand he wasn’t just having a moment. He is happy to be out of my conscious sphere, and he’s not coming back…at least not until he goes through the usual process of finding someone more socially acceptable, or someone who lies better, or maybe just maybe is perfect…but then realizes how imperfect he is and trades him for someone more perfect.

I’m used to this pattern. It’s still annoying.

Before, I would just start the whole thing over again with a new one, and indeed when he put me in the catch 22 of why am I not hunting, I did find a couple of potential candidates. Thing is, already seeing how they will end, I’ve decided I’d rather shoot for a more exciting conclusion. This time I am going to allow my dark side to reign for a change.

I won’t be pretending. I will simply not be doing some things I would have done before, like making a date even though I am tired or answering messages promptly. Basically, I’m going to behave like myself just letting my moods lead instead of my sense of fairness. As a woman, I’m not supposed to have a sense of fairness. I understand that eventually, it will come out, but it shouldn’t be the thing that sets the stage. I have come to understand that honor is a very unfeminine, repellent thing regardless of the endless lipservice that men give it. In order to be more feminine, I need to be more interest bound.

Someone should have to earn my equanimity.

Until they’ve earned it, I should be like a rogue wave…unpredictable and temperamental. They should complain about my lack of sympathy to their needs and their plight. They should ask themselves if I want them or not, and understand that this can change like the wind. Otherwise, I am not showing them the whole truth, only the safe, shiny parts of it.

This last breakup helped answer the question of why, even though I explicitly warned men not to underestimate me, they did so anyway. No amount of showing them examples, showing them various features of my life, seeing how I deal with folks, helped them get the message of where they stood with me or what would happen if they cross me. They couldn’t see who I am because I was too masculine in being too fair and too stable.

Here, fairness and stability, aside of being masculine, is mistaken for softness and lack of resolve. It looks like submission.

So…that ends now. I can’t help not being a loud, pushy person, but I can refrain from giving too much information. I can also be quite callous if I put my mind to it. Some guys take a lot of hell and need a soft hand at the end of the day…but the higher someone is on the “nice ___ boy” scale, the worse he needs to be treated to balance things. Since I tend towards the Santa and Mr. Rogers type, I have to make it clear that I am not their escape from Israeli women, and if I am in some ways, they’re jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

If a guy mistreats me, that’s his life. Telling them this apparently does nothing. They don’t believe, or they believe they will somehow be protected because chosen people. Apparently they’re not reading the bible for content. Bonus, the right wing here has way too many people convinced that being Ashkenazi or Mizrahi and Jewish means they can do whatever to whoever else with impunity, including disrespecting Ethiopian and Russian Jews.

Seems a lot of coddled little princes here have caught the American “white” male self pity. It won’t fly here. As with the “friends with benefits” trend, this too shall pass. It’s a different country…smaller and less merciful towards certain dysfunctions. In the meantime though, until it passes, I will not be feeding the monsters.

I represent sex and affection off the beaten path. One does not have to marry me or pay me by the hour. However, I do require my personhood and my womanhood be respected and not taken for granted.

I can’t decide for other people what they want or need or what they should want or need. I have to honor their humanity and accept that my model of what a relationship should be and how it should run is not theirs. Bonus, maybe mine is outdated or just as dysfunctional or stupid. Who knows? It’s just very clear that the type of guys I like, usually decent, salt of the earth, good guys, don’t want a woman who is too much like them. They prefer someone they have to convince or beg to be sweet to them sometimes, not someone overflowing with mushy goodness.

So if my dark side is what they need to see until they earn something else, so be it.

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