This is unprecedented. I went through all the changes, the letting go, and the acceptance. I decided to rip it off like a bandaid, and have whatever the talk was that he felt needed to be had.
I was prepared to hear everything most humans in this society think is wrong with me, but the screwed up denial version. The usual excuses are that I’m too clingy even though I usually don’t talk to them every day. They’re lucky if I text a couple of times a week. I expected to hear that I was pressuring him for a deeper relationship than he was ready for even though I insisted that I would be happy with “friendly dick” because I don’t expect anyone here to care about me. I expected to have to endure a speech about fifty things I had nothing to do with or that were the opposite of what was actually happening…
…but he zeroed in on something I was actually doing.
He was growing to hate me because I kept him at a safe distance, made him feel like I didn’t like him, and every time the subject came up, I twisted the knife. By the end, I did tell him I liked him, but that, “I like you,” was buried in a very heavy coating of, “I don’t need you. I’ll be fine without you. You are easily replaceable.”
…which is all true, except for the replaceable, but has nothing to do with how I feel about him. I basically spent the entire relationship reacting to his fears instead of looking at the whole person. Since he’s trying to overcome his fears, being with me was a step back, not a step forward.
So in a sense, I made the same mistake I did with others of being overly compliant. I just picked a different side of him to be compliant to.
To be fair, dumping me was the wrong way for him to handle that. Just that since this is my blog and I’m taking responsibility for my side of the bad situation, I’m addressing that first.
So for the past few days we’ve had some discussions that should have been had awhile back. It has been interesting and surprising. Nobody has ever figured out that they shouldn’t have let me go within a mere two weeks before. Two years maybe, but not two weeks. This is new for me.
So we’ve got our feelings out in the open, which is good. The problem is that well, I let him go already. For two weeks I convinced myself that it was over and there was no going back. So now, all the strategic calculations that weren’t there before are there now. Just at the time when he tells me I need to be more honest and true to my feelings, I’m thinking to myself, “Is this a trap?”
In two weeks, I forced myself to accept that he didn’t care about me, that he was happy to be rid of me, and that every time he ever touched me was either something like a lie or a lost moment that will never happen again. The times he held me in his sleep…the times he looked at me like a hungry tiger…the sound of his voice in my ear…I had to make them all bad. I had to re-remember them as meaningless purely physical nothingness, and reduce them to something like a poop or a piss I took that was probably nice and good for me, but had no significance.
I had to make it all like some favor we did for each other to pass the time and take care of a mutual physical need that I mistook for something that should enhance trust like when you hug a friend. Unlike a friend though, instead of talking through the issues so that the relationship could continue, he broke it.
You can tell a friend, “I think you’re hiding from me. You’re damaging our intimacy and making me feel small because you’ve been hurt by others. Even if it’s not rational to you for me to feel this way, this is how your speeches to ‘reassure’ me that you’re not going to be clingy and you will survive, make me feel. Stop it.”
…but he broke it.
What was I supposed to do? He expressed so much fear and anxiety that we were getting too close. Then he dumps me because I basically reassured him that we were not getting too close. Now he tells me he has realized that he wants that closeness, and that he was angry with me because I wouldn’t give him closeness that he said he didn’t want.
Okay, so he realizes that was wrong of him, but what now?
Needless to say, I needed help sorting this out. So I went to Diva who threw her head back and laughed at me. Apparently, this is a normal aspect of the Israeli mating dance.
What the fucking fuck!?!?!
I was supposed to act like I don’t care what he wants or what speed he’s going or whatever. Just do whatever it is I’m going to do, and feel how ever it is I’m feeling, and act on it regardless of his struggles and protests.
Now, I had learned the resisty Israeli mating dance, but nobody told me about this feeling free to be crazy thing. The new knowledge, as usual, does not make me happier because now I have to look back on more situations where I read things entirely wrong because I was culturally ignorant.
Fuck…fuck…I really messed up with the Kracken. He messed up too, but I could have been more stalkery with that. As it was, I pretty much just let him go, but had occasional relapses where I’d send him a text to tell him what a horrible person he was. It was just one every three months or so, but I could have gotten away with so much more, and might still have kept him in my stable.
For Israelis breaking up is something people do as more of a power move than an ending. Ending it never has an out. It works more like a death. They settle their affairs with you, make sure there are no loose ends, and if someone violates the terms, police are called, family intervenes, etc.
So my challenge this time around is to be patently genuine, but this may be a little difficult with the American programming. We generally have two modes: Pimp or Disney. If I don’t have a Disney option, I’m used to going Pimp-hand…but what am I really?
Papa II came to visit a few days ago. We had a good talk, and he’s doing much better than he was last time I saw him. By the end of the talk we determined that he really does love his wife. He complains. She’s not perfect. Neither is he, but he loves her anyway. We love each other too, just differently than the first couple of times around.
When considering what I am deep deep down…how I love when no one is looking…end of the day I am a Wolf. I love like a dog.
I loooooooove petting. I will touch someone raw and I love being touched just as much. I am happy to be held even in the summer, and if I care for someone, I want to see them all the time. I play a bit rough, but I know how to calibrate. I try to hump everybody I love, but I can take a no if I’m shooed away. I will whine, but I will get over it as long as they just don’t abandon me.
I tend to live in the moment, but because of some things that have happened, when someone goes out the door, I’m not sure if they’re coming back.
If someone tries to harm someone I love, I will tear their throat out without thinking of my own life.
To be well behaved, I have to know my place with someone and what’s expected of me. If they show indecisiveness, I’m going to assume they don’t want to stay in their position.
…and if someone proves they have grown and changed, I may not want to risk humping them anymore, but I can forgive.
I still want to hump Tiger though…which is new. The few times in my life I ever gave someone a second chance, the desire was muted and the sex itself very very muted. I got through it but it was closer to, “I’m happy that you’re happy.” Once someone has left once, I know that they would leave me, so it’s like the story is spoiled.
If it was like the other times, it would be easy to implement a common girl game tactic of artificially limiting the frequency of sex. I could knock him down to once every month or two, no problem. Diva tells me this is what I need to do if I want to keep him.
She’s usually right about these things. In fact, she’s always right…but if I have to be deceptive to someone I told I would be more honest with, this is not a good thing. First, I am a terrible liar. I got beaten a lot for that as a kid, not because I really lied more than other kids, but because I suck at it. It is well ingrained in me that lying = bad + lolz.
Though a tiny bit of anger can spice things up, serious legit, deep anger is a boner killer. This was made clear even back when he was angry with me for things he set me up for. Though maybe he didn’t think it would really be the end-end, it was enough to make him forget that he cares for me long enough to make it worth the risk.
I don’t want to piss him off by doing the exact thing that made his anger partly reasonable, hiding my feelings and worse hiding them for strategic reasons to create artificial scarcity to artificially extend the lifespan of the relationship maybe.
So fuck that.
If this thing is going to burn because I didn’t pretend to be a prude, so be it. This isn’t like a little white lie to make someone feel better. This is a deception crafted to make someone feel less wanted.
…and now I get a message that one of his relatives has just had a bad accident. No games. Nopenopenope.