Aug 29 2010

I Win, Damnit

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 7:46 pm

Well, the reports seem to have done the job of fending off Skin.  His girlfriend in Tel Aviv saw the messages, and he had to explain them.  To drive the point home about the dumbfuckery of Moroccan men, I’m making sure to not leave out the part where he says that I should still come to the Brown…after he’s basically publically trashed my name and utterly cock blocked me for good there, by telling everybody there that I’m his girlfriend.

…and just so you know I don’t mean just “haverah” which could mean girlfriend or girl friend, he clarified, whenever asked, that we are lovers.  So they all think he’s hitting this, except those who know me well enough to ask me, and got the full story.

So whatever attraction sparked for this bald barman, has died.  In fact, he died to me today.  After this post, he goes into the pile with the rest of the cretins who will rue the day.  In fact, he might be rueing soon, for reasons other than my impending MILF body.

…but we won’t talk about such things here.

As for my own part, regardless of what others say or do, he will never see me again, if I can help it.  I understand that he was using me as a status donkey: someone who is befriended or associated with in order to boost their status or social credibility.  Now, everyone thinks he’s a cool guy with balls of steel, dating someone who lots of guys would like to shag, and can’t.

I don’t overestimate my position though.  So long as I’m fat, I’m considered attractive but flawed.  Not so fatally as it would seem in the States, but folks here, though a bit more fat friendly, do consider it a flaw.  I can take this on the chin, same as other incidents, as one of those things that is bound to happen until I look like myself again.  For the moment, unless I’m actually in the process of kicking someone’s ass or playing basketball, nobody could tell my level of fitness in the way sheeple have been programmed to view it.

No matter…most of them are getting fatter while I’m getting thinner.  It’s kind of funny looking around at girls’s muffin tops becoming increasingly grotesque over jeans I saw them barely fitting into months ago.  They’re fattening up for the slaughter, and hating themselves more and more, while I’m becoming more of a lean, mean, predator, and loving myself more.

It’s all good.

…and before any of my ex boyfriends out there start getting butt hurt and calling me a racist, ask yourself: did you do better?

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Aug 24 2010

Streamlined

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 11:51 pm

Feeling BetterWell, I’ve done my eating and drinking and will hopefully spend the next few nights hanging out with friends.  I’ll skip the poetry this time around because it’s kinda pointless.

Shai took me to the Bear, and we ate well.  I felt a little better after eating their awesome American chicken salad, and having a frozen strawberry margarita.  Good stuff.

Earlier tonight, well last night, while I was walking, he called.  He didn’t say anything important, but asked me to call him when I was done with the walk.  I did, and he didn’t answer.  So since the pub was near the end, I stopped in to leave his gift there.

The barmen were baffled, but tucked the box into where one of them keeps his stuff.  He really liked the necklace when I showed it to him, and he’s a biker.  So if Warren doesn’t get it, he will.  He’s really cool, and I’d be proud for him to wear some of my work.

So now begins the next chapter…the last step in regaining my full identity.  Warren had the chance to be there to cheer me, dear me, but he’s chosen to be one of those guys I’m going to laugh about when I’m really a former fatty.  If I wasn’t doing it for my physical and mental health, that laughter might be worth it alone.  I’m beginning to understand why some ignorant women starve and worry.  Since they don’t know how to do it properly, they’re not doing it for their health really, but for their egos.

I never was that jealous of the beautiful people.  They get a lot of perks but also catch a lot of hell.  However, that hell is worth it in a way, especially if someone is as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside, which is kinda rare.  If they are unicorns, then people who screwed with them when they were vulnerable are themselves screwed.

I see myself as someone who was vulnerable for awhile, and got shit on mercilessly…almost reflexively by people who hate beauty.  When they see one little flaw, the pounce on it like rabid dogs and try to destroy or diminish the beautiful person’s gift because they are jealous or maybe because “when the cat can’t get to the milk, it says the milk is sour”.  Hypatia told me that one.

It’s going to be interesting.  I wonder what flaw the rabid dogs, or rather sheeple, will pounce on when the fat is gone…probably my age.

To that my answer will be as Yoda’s, “Look you as good as me when my age you are.”

My luck though, I’ll have some horribly disfiguring accident or something.  Then they’ll pick on me for having one leg or burn scars.  Cretins.

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Aug 24 2010

Note to Self: No Loss, No Floss

Category: Art,Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 4:46 pm

Especially in light of current events (Warren flaking), I am not going to have sex again until I am under 70 kg.  Since the loss of my bitch shield (which wasn’t protecting me from anything anyway), I find myself feeling very humiliated by a guy flaking out on me.

It’s just so embarassing.  I actually believed him when he said I was pretty.  So a couple of days after the last time we saw each other, I told him I missed him.  He replied that this was scary.  I don’t think he realized he was saying that to the woman who wrote the non sociopathic Slut Rules.  If a guy thinks you’re obsessive just for showing an interest, he thinks you’re fugly.  The reason it scares him is the fear that you might do or say something in public and people will know he’s seeing a dog.

So on that note, I waited to see if that’s what he really thought or if he was joking.  Almost 48 hours of no contact, and I have my answer.  Problem is that I already made his birthday present:

Yin Yang Wave PendantIt’s a kind of yin and yang but wave design, with a star ruby on the dark side, and a star sapphire on the light side.

He’s always telling me how unique I am, and that he’s never met anyone like me, so I pulled out the old stone collection for this one since I figured I should make him a gift that was unique.

I have no regrets, but this whole thing just kinda drives home the point I was trying to make about there being a discrepancy between who I am and how I look at this point.  Until I look like me, I don’t feel right taking my clothes off in front of anyone in a sexual situation.

At the same time though, I can’t help but take it a little personally.  I mean, this is a guy who knew me when I was much fatter, so it’s not like he doesn’t know I’m making progress.  You’d think maybe he would string me along with a bit tighter string until I reached my goal.  Whatever.  What’s done is done.  I’m backing off, and no longer initiating any contact ever unless someone is dead or at least bleeding.

Even if he does pull his head out of his ass, he’s taught me how to treat him, and that’s with caution.  I hate it when guys make a girl have to save face.  It’s like I’m his male friend with a vaginal, which is something I’m really tired of being.

Anyway, I was thinking I’d leave his gift at a pub we both sometimes go to, and if he doesn’t retrieve it, let whoever wants it have it.  On further thought though, I might just give it to Kahuna.  It’s the type of thing I know he’d like, since he’s a surfer.

There’s a side of me that wants to give Warren a chance to redeem himself, or at least get his birthday present, but on the other hand, I’ve lived in Israel long enough to know that’s probably not going to happen.  He seemed different, but he is still under 40.

I’ll give it until his birthday (this Friday) to see what happens.  After that, I’m not even thinking about anything romantic or sexual until I’ve got only 7 kg. to go.  I am going to be hot for my age then, and guys will stop treating me like my feelings don’t matter because they’ll be able to see that I have options on sight.  I have options now, but they just don’t know that because each of them thinks they invented Shamu shagging.

:: sigh ::

Aug 22 2010

Fat Status August 2010

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 5:44 pm

I decided to post updates early because aside of losing weight faster now, something weird is happening.  I’m developing an ass.

Some of you out there will remember me when I was younger.  It was okay, but very very square…a back with a crack basically.  Now, when one is older, one is supposed to have less estrogen, not more, right?  Apparently, being on a natural diet is feminizing my once barrel-on-sticks figure.  I still have a tummy roll, but my waist is asserting itself.  I think I’m beginning to understand why clothes used to be shaped differently, not just smaller in the 50′s.

Well, here we go.  Those with sensitive eyes, please look away.  If you don’t, I am not responsible for your “astigmata”.  Remember, I don’t dress like this normally.  I’m wearing skin tight clothes for the sake of the progress report.

Fat Status 1

Fat Status 2

…and the new back view:

Fat Status 3

I’ll be posting these more often as I edge closer to my goal.  Thanks to all of you who are supporting me as the journey continues.

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Jul 03 2010

Powder

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 5:44 am

Yesterday, I received my package of 180 g. hoodia gordonii powder.  So far, it’s working very nicely.  Actually, it’s working too well.  I haven’t been hungry since last night, and I was barely so then.  I didn’t finish but half of the sandwich and maybe 5 chips that I had as my weekly indulgence.

In the studies, people on it reduced their calorie intake by about 2000 calories…but what if someone only eats about 1000 calories a day?  I’m at the point now of having to sneak extra calories into my body with tea with 2 tsp. honey per liter.  I don’t want to forget how to eat, so as I did with the capsules, I’m going to halve the dosage.

In other news, last night I met the girl Kahuna has unrequited one-itis for.  She is pretty, but you can see the wall on the horizon.  He’ll probably be over her in a couple of years, if not less.  I’m done trying to snap him out of it.  I’ll just try to be encouraging whenever he makes some progress.

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Jun 25 2010

The Calorie Deficit Year

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 4:48 pm

As some of you know, if you’ve been keeping track of my weight loss progress, it has been slow but sure since I went natural.  Because I’m a bit vain and getting older though, since I’ve handled the content, it’s time to handle the calories to a degree.  No, I’m not going to start weighing my food or any other kind of obsessive behavior.  I’m just controlling my portions and using natural weight loss specific solutions.

I’ve decided that intermittent fasting, or “Eat Stop Eat” is the way to go for me.  I’m mixed African and Native American, and if I’m not overthinking it, this is how I eat normally.  The three meals a day thing means that I have to actually stop working and eat at scheduled times when I am technically hungry, but wouldn’t stop everything to eat if I didn’t have to feed other people.  Six snacks a day would mean eating when I’m not hungry.  Either way, I’m not doing what I really feel like doing, and I decided that had to stop.

Since it’s summer, and preparing food for others is very simple, I felt this would be a good time to get started doing things my way.  I can easily make a salad or omelettes or whatever else quick and easy for others, and then get back to work, without feeling the need to eat anything myself until I am really hungry for real.

To help me along, I’ve begun to take hoodia gordonii.  I take a 400 mg. capsule with my evening meal, which is enough for me because I’m a once a day eater if left to my own devices anyway.  The recommended dosage is 800-1600 mg. but I think this is way too much.  I’d never eat if I took that much.  On 800 mg. I found it too difficult to eat on days when I actually do need more food.  I’d get hungry, and couldn’t stomach more than a cracker.

The capsules, I got from Swanson Vitamins.  I use their brand because they use the real thing, and when they say there’s 400 mg. (800 per two capsule serving) of hoodia in it, that’s what there is.  They also don’t add anything else to it.  I hear that Desert Burn is also real.  It’s more hard core though, and is for multiple meal people who need severe appetite suppression. For natural intermittent fasters, it would be overkill.

When I run out of the capsules, I’ll be taking the straight powder.  Swanson and most other stateside companies can’t ship hoodia overseas anymore, because of CITES regulations, so I had to buy direct from Medico Herbs, a business in South Africa with their own export certificate.

About my vanity though, I’ve come to a point where I feel like I don’t look like myself.  When I dream, I look quite different…not skinny, but more buff and well defined.  It’s a sign that at least psychologically, I’m back to my senses, but then when I wake up, there’s this person who still looks too much like depressed, hypothyroid me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I like me.  I work my jelly very well.  It’s just that I guess I’m a little impatient to look scary with my clothes off again…bridge the gap between my mentality and my appearance.  It’s kind of hard to have a female Napoleon complex when you’re actually big.  Heheheh…

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Mar 21 2010

Progress March 2010

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest,Gratitude — IronWynch @ 12:10 pm

It’s cool today, and I’m not getting half naked, so I wore somewhat tight clothing.  I don’t dress like this normally, just so y’all know.  It’s just for the purpose of letting you see how my body is evolving.  Where in years past, I dressed to compliment my figure, I feel that now it’s time to let it all hang out.  No sashes, scarves, or sucking in my gutt.  We’re getting real.  If your eyes are bleeding, you can thank Hannibal for encouraging me to show off…but that’s another story for another day.

I’m now at the phase where just about everything, including my boobs and butt, are smaller.  So I still look rolly polly, just a few kilos less blobby…not that blobby is morally wrong or anything.  It’s just not me.

Also, please excuse my facial expressions, as the sun was in my eyes.

Frontal

Three Quarters

Profile

Well, enjoy it, laugh, be disgusted, whatever.  At this point, I feel better than I have in 20 years.  This will probably be my last Truly fat year though.  My knee is almost better, and the gap between my ability and my energy level is closing.

Here’s is today’s 3/4 view compared to the two years past.  It’s hard to gauge the size, but the changes in shape are pretty obvious.

2008-2010

More photos of me will be posted next year as usual.  Well, maybe sooner.

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Mar 18 2010

St. Patty’s Night

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest — IronWynch @ 8:25 pm

Last night, Shai and I went to the Beer House for St. Patrick’s day.  He had a liter of Kwak, and I had a liter of Castille Rouge.  We also had chips which I regretted more than the drinking in the morning, but it was worth it.

Earlier, we went to Achim Marcel (Marcel Brothers) to stock up on things that might be difficult to get during the Pesach holiday.  My favorite soup mix, Mivina chicken and vegetable stock was on sale 4 packets for 10 shekels, so I got some of that.  It’s like crack in a bowl for me…not the most natural thing, but it’s light, hot, and extremely tasty.

“Condiment” powder is also, as I found out, the Russian diaspora diet secret.  It’s not that big a surprise since there is the “soup diet”.  It’s just that this particular soup isn’t exactly marketed as a soup, but as a seasoning.  It’s made of a special mix of dried vegetable concentrates and extracts, salt, and spices.  A whole packet of 100 grams has maybe 100 calories in it, but you only use about a teaspoon per cup of hot water.  It’s also great for what it’s marketed for, as a seasoning for meat, beans, rice, or whatever else you’d use soup mix to flavor.

I’m not a calorie counter in principle, but I can see how it would be a lesser evil for someone who isn’t disordered but needs to lose a few pounds.  It’d be poison for a disordered eater or lifestyle anorexic though, because it would make it too easy.  I mean, the stuff is tasty.  That with a handfull of baked oyster crackers is a hundred calorie meal.  Because the stuff is like powdered vitamins, you don’t feel like you’re missing anything.

A person needs a balanced diet though.  You can’t just have soup and crackers and be okay.  There needs to be some real fruits and vegetables, and some meat or at least eggs and dairy from time to time.  Otherwise, you’ll become anemic and B-12 deficient, and that will kill your energy, which will make you prone to gaining weight.  So, all things in moderation.  It’s a good tool, but it shouldn’t be the only one.

I like to have it at those times when I’m hungry, but don’t feel like eating a big meal.  Summers here are hell, so heavy food can be very unpleasant.  Some soup, a salad, and maybe a piece of chicken, and that’s dinner. :-)

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Mar 12 2010

The Amazing Exploding Fatass

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest,Gratitude — IronWynch @ 1:10 am

Well, how ever weird this month has been, it must have done something good. Yesterday morning, my workout exploded.  It’s like I can’t stop moving.  There was the workout, work, posting a bit, working some more, then working out some more.  I feel like myself again.  Hopefully soon I’ll look like myself again too.  It’s a lot closer and more real to me now.  I’ve reached the point where my weight itself is no longer getting in my way when I want to jump, run, or get low.

My knee still bothers me a bit, so I’m careful of it.  Other than that though I’m cool.  When I can get him to, I’m going to have Shai take the yearly progress photos.  This may well be my last year of being technically fat, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Thankfully, Vegeta hasn’t reared up his over gelled head to remind me anymore how worthless I am to him.  During the conversation, I got really darkside Nietzchean.  “Now I see what our real problem is.  There are two kinds of people in this world…”  I called him a sheep and said he needs to go back and play in the pasture.

Normally, I wouldn’t actually use that as a direct insult to someone.  There’s nothing wrong with being normal.  That’s a special honor I bestow to the ones who come up in my territory bleating, and expect not to get bitten.  Common folk need to stick to common folk, and go through the normal channels to get their freak on.  The city of Haifa has many fine prostitutes.  It’s legal here.

…and before you think something like, “but prostitutes are fake,” well, so are guys who care too much about a woman’s social status.  Fake sex is fake sex.  Weak drones milling around mindlessly with no individuality need to stay in their place.  When they go out looking for someone special and unique, both their time gets wasted.

I have no mercy left.  He used it all up.  It’s okay, because that was actually the last thing that needed to go.  After him, I had the clarity of mind to get on a natural diet and the courage to go explore the dark side of the male psyche.

After him, I looked for the real answer, and had an open enough mind to accept what I learned.

I learned that people like him instinctively hate people like me, and yet they need us.  We are their anthropos…the free people.

Gender and gender role is important as far as how that mixed hatred and lust will be expressed, but in the end, they want us dead.  By “they” I mean sheeple who know or sense that we exist, and want to be us, but don’t have the balls.  They are the cursed ones with the appetites of wolves but the teeth of sheep.

When I was wounded, I let him get close enough to me to hurt me.  I let him lick my wounds with his grass stained tongue, thinking that if he could swallow some of me, he could be like me.  The prey and predator were reversed, and this is against nature…but I was bleeding, and didn’t care enough about myself to fight this abomination.

Kahuna told me after reading the conversation, “Wow, you really hated yourself back then.”  I nodded.

     “I did.  I must have.”   We sat silently for a moment, and then got back to our usual talk about life and stuff.  I’m glad he was there.  Up until then, he’d only heard my side of events, and probably thought I was being overly dramatic and mean just because I got rejected.  Now, he got to see just how stupid the guy really is, and how dumb I was to go there more than once.

I tell you, women need men.  Women need dads, brothers, friends, someone all up in their business.  We need to not give anyone a chance until they have passed the gauntlet of men by whom our standards are set.  My dad’s overly religious, but I have male friends who, were they aware that I desperately needed their assistance, would never have allowed this to happen.  They would at least have shielded me emotionally to minimize the impact.

That’s what happened to Fender.  Kahuna told me from day one that he is at least respectful but probably wouldn’t stick around.  He has too many issues.  Shai told me the same.  So with him it was catch and release, no hard feelings.  When he stopped calling, I just shrugged and moved on.

Now Shai, Kahuna, Longstroke, Gadget, and I are having a good laugh, and they’re glad I’m feeling better.  They’re also all very glad that they’re free to do what men do, and look out for their “sister”.

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Feb 27 2010

My Thickspiration: Monica Martin

Category: Days and Nights,Enforcer Quest,Pinglaling — IronWynch @ 11:12 pm

I think that maybe I’ve accidentally misled some people about myself.  I am not losing weight to be more mainstream acceptable.  I am not trying to get my “groove” back.  It was never lost.

I’m losing weight and lifting weights to get my enforcer body back.  To give you a glimpse into my hopeful future, I’d like to intoduce you to my thickspiration: Monica Martin.

Here’s a video of a moment with her on Miami Ink, a reality show about a group of tattoo artists:

Just so we’re clear, it is not my goal to look exactly like her.  I think her bodyfat percentage is probably hovering around only 12-14% and I’m too old to be trying to do that safely.  I do however, respect her because she has the “Amazon trifecta” of strength, size, and agility.  These are things I consider important in a sexy human, and am working on mastering for myself.

So enjoy the show, and please everybody don’t mistake me for someone in pursuit of Barbiedom or the attention of couch potato mass appeal again.

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