I Won’t Survive

It’s why I am afraid

Why I’m petrified

Thinking about how it would be

To have you by my side

But then if you left me again

Or once more did me wrong

Could I be strong?

Would I know how to carry on?

So now you’re back

From outer space

I overestimated then

But now I know my place.

Since you I put my heart on lock

And then I threw away the key.

I even understand

Why you never respected me.

Before you go

Walk out that door.

Just hear me out now.

I’m not angry anymore.

You really hurt me with a hell of a goodbye

And I did crumble.

I thought I’d lay down and die.

So I say I

I won’t survive.

I can’t go through that pain

And at the same time stay alive.

I have those for whom to live

And so though I do forgive

I must survive.

I must survive.

Even with all of my strength

I did fall apart.

There is just no way to mend

The pieces of my broken heart.

Though I no longer feel

Sorry for myself.

I sometimes cry.

It’s hard to hold my head too high.

Yes I have changed.

Not the girl you knew.

I still love you to the death

But I’m afraid of you.

So thank you for dropping in

But in a way you’ve set me free

Because now I understand

Nobody will ever love me like me.

i used to think when someone hurt me
they meant to do me some harm
but now i know it’s human nature
in life’s factory farm

how can i blame any man for thinking
that i’m not worth something
when he’s spent his life artificially milked
while staring at woman shaped nothing

how can a man believe in a love
that has hands and legs and eyes
when the image is all and the touch is none
and smooth screens are better than thighs

how would a man know who is a woman
when so many hate their womanhood
how could he not hate it as much as they do
and not know the bad from the good

so when my heart breaks now
i pick up the pieces in silence
what was a faint shadow in my naive youth
has evolved to demonic defiance

i love like my life is at stake
and when knocked back i do fall
i ache when my heart is left standing
and i cry when he doesn’t call

but i know that this is just part of
a journey that ends at around 50
if not exactly by then
for sure it is over by 60

at that age the chemical romance
will die of natural causes
and i’ll be happier with hugs
more concerned with flavors of dental flosses

i don’t write of heartbreak because
i see the light at the end
when who to shag will be irrelevant
and i’ve already no shortage of friends

so heartbreak seems to me more like butthurt
a grief that will pass with libido
maybe sometimes with a little touch
of an unnecessarily bruised ego

so where i used to cope with my injuries
with poems of broken winged birds
now it’s just music and a night out
to write would just be wasted words

What’s funny about that is that I’m not particularly rich or famous.  I’m just me, and don’t apologize for that.  Yet for some reason, the self designated sheepdogs of the herd sniff me out for saying the simplest things like it not being a good idea to abuse people for not being close enough to whatever the herd deems perfect.  That’s like blasphemy against their Santa god, and they attack with religious fervor.

Like severed hands on the belt of Kali, I tend to wear their sorry excuses for insults like jewelry.  They are the sacrifices of dignity voluntarily amputated and lain at my feet.  Their songs over the years are as stylized as hymns.

There’s one of my old favorites: You Are So Ugly

You are so ugly
Why can’t you see?
You are so much more
Ugly than me.

This makes you worthless
Worth less than me.
You are so ugly
Ugly to me.

You must be sorry
Apologize
For being unpleasant
To my tender eyes.

If you do not
Well then you’re a bitch.
You should be hanged
Or burned like a witch.

I demand you agree
With my view of your worth.
Most people do
All over the earth.

We all think you’re ugly.
Why don’t you submit?
Why don’t you enjoy
The taste of our shit?

We do so love shitting
One hole just won’t do.
We open our mouths
And can’t help but poo

That you are so ugly
And worthless to us.
We sorely resent
Your making a fuss.

Not only must you
Account for your actions
But you’re required
To bear our contractions.

We can be human
But if we are honest
What we require is
That you be a goddess.

You Angel of Ugly
Must suffer our sins.
While we reject you
You must want us in.

While we abuse you
You should smile and dance.
While we just use you
You should want romance.

When you do not give us
All that we pray
And show the same boatman
You one night will pay

We’ll punish you for
Defending your life.
Oh shit! It’s a gun.
We’ve just got a knife.

I really don’t see how people figure they should be able to spew all manner of crap at people, and those people aren’t supposed to hand it back to them.  Well, yes I do.  That’s what most people do: suck it up while the more aggressive, just as mortal as they are, verbally defecate on them.

It’s funny how that works.  I learn a lot about humans from watching cats.  I have a female calico who is not the biggest, but is the loudest.  Whenever I’m distributing snacks, she always feels she has to be first.  What’s even weirder is that when I put a little in one bowl, and move to the next, rather than finishing what was in the previous bowl, she jumps to the next bowl.  Every bowl I fill she has to beat all the others to.

Her little plan always gets foiled when a bigger female swats her in the face.  Then she moves away but is still complaining and trying to make all the others miserable because she didn’t get what she wanted for being merely aggressive and not actually better.

Something to think about.

I’m just a cat who wants to get to her bowl without some little wannabe standing in my way, growling at me because they think they’re entitled to what they didn’t earn: my respect and good will.  Too many people think that the way to earn people’s respect is by being a dick because there are too many pussies.

I understand that’s not going to change, but it would be nice.