A baculum, to put it bluntly, is a penis bone.  Most mammals have them, though humans do not.  Raccoon bacula are special and symbolic of faithful and supportive women though.  There is an old custom in North America of young men giving these as gifts to women they loved.  It is both a symbolic gift and a magical charm, and accepting it meant that the woman would reserve herself for the one who gave it to her.

Female raccoons are monogamous.  After they’ve had sex with a male, they will not only repel others’ advances, but will go psycho if another even gets close to them or their nest.

Raccoon bacula are, aside of a nice love gift, a reputedly powerful good luck charm.  Much like the mano figa, it seems to gain more power from being given as a gift though.  So you can buy them for yourself, and that’s cool, but one you get from another is even stronger.  People give them to each other not only because of romantic love, but family love and friendship as well.  When given by a friend or colleague, it is a protection charm.  So if you know someone going into combat or who works a dangerous job, this is an excellent birthday or going away present.

If you’re making a necklace of one, the safest bet not to break it is to avoid drilling it unless you are very adept at bone carving.  They are very strong, but can crack or split from mishandling.  If you carve runes or symbols into it, do so with a light hand.

You can buy bacula and just about everything else critter, fur, and bone related from Bridger Fur Company.  It’s best to call them because their online catalogue is still incomplete.

It is however, a severe problem when one’s worldview is unrealistic or they are overly dogmatic and cannot tell whether the immediate or delayed gratification is the better choice.

In my exploration of the manosphere and the topic of game, it seems to me that those who’ve taken on the role and responsibilities of teaching, have taken on the mammoth task of curing men of anti realism and dogmatic long term thinking.  To be very frank, dogmatic long term thinking is on the same level as magical thinking.  It is the magical thinking of median to high intelligence.

The burn, for many men caught in the current “matrix” of the pseudo progressive flavor of “hereafter” is that this is even less realistic than the dogmatic short term thinking of the less intelligent, and therefore produces fewer rewards in the short and the long term.

Heterosexual people are bound by the female “biological clock”, and everybody in the spectrum of male involved sex is bound by male erectile ability.  Consequently, with the exception of the sexually exceptional, our mating strategies must remain relatively short term.  For very practical, biological reasons, we must be opportunists who can read mating signals well, display mating and societally important mating and child rearing ability, and act within a reasonable time frame to increase our chance of success.

Another important thing to consider is that even though long term thinking is associated with intelligence, they’re not the same thing.  Where having a culture that fosters long term thinking, along with supportive genes, will lead to higher average intelligence in a wide population, this does not make all individuals or even the majority of them intelligent enough to control situations (such as successful consensual mating and reproduction) that require external cooperation.  More compelling is that though intelligence and long term thinking are helpful in achieving actual social dominance, neither assures it.

In short, in order to not get tilled under in the salted earth that is today’s dating market, people must force themselves to apply shorter term strategies despite their cultural programming and intellectual tendencies towards long term thinking.

If you are a man, then even if you are healthy and slim, there is a 2:3 chance that by the time you are in your mid 50′s you will have erectile dysfunction, and certainly less testosterone coursing through your veins than you did at 20.

If you are a woman, you have a limited time during which you can safely have children, even with modern technological advances.  If you do not have your first child between 25-30, then you are looking at a much harder time than those who did.  You will lose the ability to have children at all between the ages of 40 and 50.  In addition to this, your looks will fade and your sex drive will likely fade with them.

Enough people are sexually functioning beyond their 40′s that it can be said that there is a “good” chance, and that “quite a few” older people are “doing just fine”, but there is a recently more silent majority whose time has passed by the time they reach 50-55.

“Gather ye rosebuds…”

While it is good for men who hope or expect to live past 50 to think long term with regard to choosing a lifetime companion, if he is limited by an unrealistic worldview, he could miss opportunities that could bring him a good time today, and possibly a companion for the future.  It is a first come, first serve situation, and men cannot afford to miss their chance just because women are being silly thinking they have all the time in the world.

A masterful use of negs can, to some degree, remind a woman that her time is short, but men should get into their heads too, that the woman’s time is short.  It is difficult for a man who isn’t a natural and isn’t currently getting laid regularly to suddenly become good at negging, but this may help.  Today in the here and now, the woman is hot or attractive.  This is a good enough reason to try to hit that without delay.  There should be no worry of rejection for a few reasons, and among them is that it is as much her responsibility to herself not to waste her own limited time as it is yours not to waste your less limited but still limited time.

Rejecting a man who has the potential to bond with her in a way that may be sparked by her looks and her youth, but isn’t solely dependent on it, is wasting her time.  View rejections thusly: her loss.  It truly is.

Though statistics are not individuals, it is not a good idea for anyone to bank on being the exception.  Human eyes are drawn to more physically beautiful people, and the only reason we tolerate imperfections is because of compensating features (like accessibility for instance).  A man can love a woman he married in his youth through her aging, illness, and often even ill temperedness to a point because time has shown that she is going to be there for him and love him regardless of her physical changes and his, and often despite her hormonally or socially imposed mood issues.

Some men fall in love with women who are already past their prime, but almost invariably, it is because this woman has a long history of good behavior.  In fact, in the “over 40 fun club” of folks who mess around because they’re sexually mismatched, although most are divorced or committing technical adultery, there are still lines.  Some of them are even more rigid than they are for single people.

Men are not shallow.  They’re empirical.  They are looking at what a woman has to offer, and in this what she offers in the short term should have a higher priority than the long term.  If she’s a harpy with no care for what she looks like now, and you find yourself unaroused by her now it doesn’t matter what she will look like or behave like in the future.  It also doesn’t matter that society is telling you that you should put up with her crap now for the “greater good” of equality.

If you find a woman attractive, that she might reject you or that she is not everybody else’s cup of tea, or that she is “out of your league” doesn’t matter.  Be in the moment.  This does not mean that you have to behave like a jerk and that the future is totally unimportant.  It’s just that at any particular moment, your next breath is not guaranteed.

Long term thinking is not the same thing as long term existing.  We are all going to die eventually, but right now you’re alive.  Live!

Long term thinkers quite often forget to live in the moment because they forget that stuff happens.  Rather than planning for the future, they bank on it.  Like the less intelligent or culturally guided short term thinker often gets into a rutt of working hard rather than working smart, the more intelligent or culturally guided long term thinker gets into a rutt of overthinking before acting.

You think that if you carefully map things out and make a decision about the future and how it’s going to be, things will be okay.  It doesn’t occur to you to consider that how you feel and who you are now is likely not going to be the same in 5 years and definitely not in 20.  Right now it might be really important to you to get with someone hot and/or socially convenient, or someone who really likes sex often, or whatever.  Cool.  Do what you need to do to get your current needs met.

Bear in mind though, that in 20-30 years, you might just need someone fun to hang out with who’ll kick you down for a b.j. a couple of times a year.  As you get older and your partner or general pool of potentials does too, things like hypergamy can happen, and if you were too dogmatic to be cool with cohabitation and just had to get that paperwork because you were afraid of image issues or hell, you will be screwed.

I don’t think a good God wants your nuts in any woman’s hands.  I don’t think a good God wants you to suffer with lonliness.  I don’t think even a good government wants those either.

So live like someone who understands that nothing lasts forever.  Don’t ignore the red lights, but don’t ignore the green ones either.  Don’t worry about three stages from now.  Think about now.  What do you want right now?

Address that reality first.  After that, you can make decisions about what it might cost you later.  At the moment though, ignoring who you are and what you want is costing your manhood or womanhood, and let’s be frank, your integrity.  Denying your will makes you a liar.  Every time you do it, you become better at telling yourself and the world around you lies.

Stop lying.  Start living.  Now.

It began like most of my family road trip dreams do.  My parents, brothers and I are going along a country road.  Dad is driving, and Mom is smiling, and my younger brothers and I are still kids.  The youngest and southern style adopted brother has been in these dreams since a few years ago when I got to meet him in person and initiated him to “the kids” by startling.

He’s usually about 5 years old in my dreams, and my biological brother is usually around 10 even though this isn’t chronologically accurate.

In any case, we’re driving along and then at some point, we get a flat tire.  This is pretty normal for my dreams too.  Usually we get some help from a local mechanic or villagers or somehow find ourselves in southern Italy or West Africa.  So it didn’t bother me much when a family came out to help us.  They invited us into their home, and fed us, and we sat around quietly, waiting while Dad and the father of this family supposedly fixed the flat tire.

At some point, Mom got up to go outside and see what was going on.  Then later, Dad came back indoors for a break, but Mom and the host family’s dad didn’t come in behind him.  When he turned around, they were both gone, and he started to worry.  Then us kids started to worry.  At that moment, when I looked around, my brothers and I were adults, and went out with Dad to find Mom.

For some reason, when we got to the back yard, it turned out to be a gigantic amusement park.  This place is familiar to my dreams as well.  We split up to go look for her.  I asked many people if they had seen my mother.  Somewhere along the way, I noticed a pattern.  When I asked White people where she was, they looked at me as if they didn’t understand what I was saying.  When I asked Black people where she was, they were as helpful as they could be.  They hadn’t seen her, but they would keep their eyes open.  After I noticed this, I looked around for the whitest person I could find, to experiment.  I asked a blonde, pale, and for some reason, rather busty chick behind the counter at the gift shop if she had seen my mother.  In a friendly, southern accent, she answered that she hadn’t seen her, but that she would help me look for her.  So she hung a “closed” sign on the register, came from behind the counter, and walked with me.

At some point, I looked at her butt for some reason, and stitched on the back pockets of her jeans were pentacles.  She apparently noticed my distraction, and grabbed my arm in a strong, grandmother-like way and said, “Hurry up!  No tellin’ what’s hap’nin to yer Mama!”

Then somehow, we ended up out of the amusement park and back around to the front of the house.  I’m not sure what inspired us to do it, but we raised our hands up, and then as we brought them down, the front wall of the house collapsed.  The room where Mom and the father of the host family was then exposed.  My Mom was tied to a chair with duct tape over her mouth, and the father was yelling and pointing a gun at her.  When the wall came down, he pointed the gun at us.  At that point, I realized I was holding hands with the blonde woman, and we were not afraid.

Then my Dad and brothers came to join us.  The host father was yelling incoherent things, and the room was full of crosses and Jesus statues and all manner of restraints and torture implements.  For some reason, he tore the tape off of my Mom’s mouth, and she screamed at us to just do as he says or he’ll kill us.  I’m not sure why, but the blonde girl began laughing and cursing out the host father.  My Dad and brothers were stunned by this, but I wasn’t, and I began laughing.

I woke up laughing, but then kind of sad.  I understood what the dream meant.

Though I have no intention of attempting to save my family from Christianity, since it’s not Christianity that is exactly the problem, it still makes me sad that they believe in the sick sorry excuse for a god that speaks nonsense and needs to threaten people with torture.  The very real threat of losing touch with Nature and by extension with God, is in becoming so fatally stupid that one destroys their lives, the lives of their children, and the world.

Another of the important things I’ve learned over the past few years is the extent to which people will ignore real suffering and sickness in the here and now, for the sake of some “greater good” or “hereafter”.   Feminism and its close companion, tacit dysgenicism are two excellent examples of ideologies that cause people real and deep suffering in their everyday lives, but promise that it is all for a good cause and so if one is suffering, it’s because they’re not adhering to the ideology hard enough.  It just cannot be, in their minds, that the ideology is inhumane and should be abandonned.

A question arose in the conversations around the manosphere as to why social conservatives and the religious who make up the vast majority of them, end up serving the will of the feminists even though they are supposedly opponents.  It is because, “A problem cannot be solved by the same consciousness that created it.”

Anglo and some other flavors of northwestern European descended HBD believers, pay attention.  You’re about to get a diagram of one of your genetic scratches. The American and western European brand of secularism was invented by people whose mentality and therefore spirituality was too long term for their own good.  They were mostly Christians who believed in suffering on Earth for a reward in heaven.  This tendency did not come originally from Christianity as Jesus never told anyone, “Your suffering on Earth is fine since you’ll be rewarded in heaven,” when they came to him asking to be healed.  If the reports are true, he healed them then and there in physical, real world ways.

This very same tendency allowed feminism and dysgenicism to become part and parcel with secularism.  You suffer lonliness, childlessness until unsafe ages for first-births, a chaotic minefield and playground for sociopaths for a dating scene, and shallowness that makes intimacy either impossible, or an inhumanly frightening risk here and now for a “greater good”.  Your “hereafter” is supposedly a world without gender or racial discrimination.

Forget that on the other end of the spectrum from the dark side of discrimination is the light side of recognition.  Humans are evolved to feel more automatic empathic attachment to people who look similar to them, and at the same time, to be able to recognize the criminals among their own.  They have trouble recognizing the criminality or bad intentions of people who look substantially dissimilar to themselves, and if they ignore that fact, they can expose themselves to considerable danger.  Not to mention, an outsider can do damage either purposefully or inadvertently by breaking important cultural norms, simply because they are an outsider.  People don’t feel the same social obligation to those of different cultures or different classes within cultures.  No amount of rainbow politics is going to change these facts of human nature.

The genders should be treated differently because they have different biological capabilities and roles.  Gender is not a social construct.  No amount of feminist politics is going to change that fact of human nature either.

So the solution is to address people’s differences, and in a diverse nation, compensate for possible weaknesses in reasonable nationalism that may arise from the facts of human nature.  Many mistakes have been made due to the denial of differences, that are causing realtime suffering here and now.  The “greater good” and magical “hereafter” has not materialized in more than superficial ways.

We have a basically Black President of the U.S. now…but note that he is male, and regardless of his parentage, has a family with a mother and a father.  He has also made very public comments to the effect that he is a protective father.  I have little doubt that he will demand to meet and likely investigate all of his daughters’ potential suitors.

If that is “what a feminist looks like” then all men should be feminists…but that is not a feminist.  That is at most, a gender egalitarian.

His wife is also physically strong and sturdy, though she didn’t look in any way masculine until she reached the appropriate age for this.  Despite her stated ideology, even her foibles are typical of a very feminine minded woman.  She was an emotional near Black militant in her youth, and today wages a war on obesity, as if that is the root of the problem.  She waves the flag, but in real life, she married, had kids, likes to grow vegetables in her yard, and dresses like an older former cheerleader.

…not very feminist.

So the face folks of the United States are not doing a very good job of suffering in the here and now for the greater good.  It’s time for everybody to drop the facade.

…and it’s time for Black people who need a God who isn’t the equivalent of a redneck with a torture dungeon to wake up from their spiritual Stockholm syndrome.

Your legends spell out female hypergamy in the stories of Oshun and Obatala, Oshun and Shango, and Oshun and Ogun, in painful frankness.

Your real God doesn’t care if you believe in him or not so long as you believe in gravity and the existence of water and the like.  It is best for you because you’re a mortal human and he is Unfathomable and surpasses all, to get very intimate with the forces of nature, and if it helps you, give them names, learn their stories, and let yourself be overwhelmed with them so that you get the big picture drilled into your thick skulls.

Each ethnicities’ gods developed along with the ethnicity itself.  Adopting some other ethnicity’s gods is fine if you are truly more inclined to their mentality.  If not however, their gods will be distant from you and you will be distant from them.  You will miss the point, lose touch with nature, including your own, and be dragged down with whatever dysfunction plagues your adopted ethnicity and faith.

Some ethnicities die out because of storms or bad weather, or from conquest…but some simply fail to thrive.  The “hereafter” is failing to thrive.  As a result, even some White people, even if they’re not reclaiming their old gods, are abandoning the sick idea of the bite sized deity that made mistakes when he created the universe, and needs you to pray “gimmie” to correct them.

This may be weird, but most people I’ve encountered of any ethnicity who are abandoning, have the potential to abandon, or have already abandoned or been raised without the hereafter and gimmie-god mentality, tend to look a bit similar in certain ways.  It’s something in the eyes.  That observation isn’t exactly scientific.  Maybe it’s a kind of bias that causes me to look for certain cues.  I don’t know.

What saddens me a bit is that few of these people I’ve come across are Black.  It’s like they can let go of everything except the gimmie-god.  They’ve placed a lot of stock in that, perhaps because of the persecution complex, combined with actual historical and day to day reminders of being devalued by others and each other.  To accept the fact that nobody is going to save them is too depressing for some.  To open their minds to the idea that intimacy with forces of nature will get them farther than presuming to be favored children of the imaginary gimme-god in improving their lives here and now and perhaps even their hereafter if our mystical ancestors were right in their speculations seems, to them, like witchcraft.

It is tempting to start recruiting…become an arm for some sort of Mami Wata missionary outreach.  However, I trust nature, and I trust the internet.  Once the idea of HBD is really out there, and a few more Black folks who can, get over its self pitying cheering squad to the real science of it all, positive things are going to happen.  I think one of the most positive will be more people reclaiming their real gods who bless people in real life when they do real things to better their situation that are based on reality.

On the lighter side of that, it sure would be nice to see more men in non bifurcated or at least more junk friendly garments…and more women carrying their babies in babyslings instead of daycare centers.

Crazy Christians…This is why it is so important not to Santa Claus the unfathomable, omnipotent, and omnipresent Creator of the Universe.  You can’t believe that people are going to hell for not believing in your Santa, especially when yours is either nonexistent or a demon who feeds on adoration.  You know which gods people serve by their actions, not their words.  If you are a Christian, get back to your pre-Paul roots…or hey, take a lesson from Jesus himself, who never asked anyone to worship him and helped Pagan Romans without trying to convert them.  If he felt their souls were in danger, he’d have said so.  Instead, he just helped them.

What do you figure Luke chapter 4 on the temptation on the mountain was about?  When Satan dared Jesus that if he was the son of God, to jump off the mountain, even Jesus Christ himself bowed to natural law and answered that one should not tempt God.  In his human form, whether just a prophet or an avatar of God/Allah/Obatala/YHWH or whatever you choose to call It, he expressed in one short sentence that it is not our place as mortal humans to presume ourselves above the Perfect Creator and Its carefully and wonderfully made universe.

So it’s certainly not our place to presume ownership of heaven or hell by attempting to force people to follow what is a sociopathic Santa in the sky.  This is the mistake of most judaic belief systems that broke away from Judaism itself.  Yeah I’m talking to you Muslims who can’t seem to get your heads around the fact that your prophet was human too, that he studied esoterism with Christians and Pagans, and that his push to convert people was both political and a reaction to real problems like human sacrifice for profit.  Now, some of your crazies are running around doing human sacrifice for profit and a twisted “honor” that is anything but.

Jesus was a Jew.  Muhammad derived Islam from Judaism.  Jews aren’t perfect.  They have crazies too, but not so many because they have to go *against* the basic teachings of the faith to try to force others to believe as they do.  They understand that a righteous Gentile is serving the same God that they are.

Why don’t Christians and Muslims get this? It’s because they are mostly certainly not serving the God of Abraham.  By their “fruits”, they are serving Beelzebub who is well known for causing bloodshed and destruction through tyranny, and leading people to worship and serve demons.  Think about it…what better way to get people to worship demons and feed the pride of Lucifer, who wanted to be God, than by getting them to call Lucifer by the same title, cause undue suffering, and give human sacrifices?

I’m agnostic.  I understand that there is no way for me to fathom the Unfathomable, so nature is my prophet.  I understand that not everybody is capable of living like this and staying productive, so I’m cool with religions.  I use tools from a variety of belief systems myself, that don’t conflict with nature.  If you are a follower of a particular faith, then you need to think about what your faith really is.  What does it lead you to do?  Are you really bringing more light into this realm, or more darkness?  Are you guiding your children or thought policing them?  Are you a parent or a tyrant?  Are you a preacher or are you a warlord?

Are you jumping off the mountain?  Are you taking the dirty deal with the devil to gain adoration for your demon?  When the people around you are praising the lord, which lord are they praising?  Is it a truly unfathomable God who created a universe that works just fine if people honor it, or is it Beelzebub dressed up like Santa, who is leading you to screw up your kids or kill your parents for not goose stepping precisely enough?

Look at your life, and you’ll know the answer.

I find The Obsidian Files to be more proactive and more realistic, so if I was going to tell a guy where to go for support, I’d recommend Obsidian.  He’s blunt, but not as rigid, and can relate to a guy who’s struggling.  He has a lot of life experience, and has seen things a guy with testicles should probably have seen by a certain age, and tends to pursue a less feminist, more nurturing class of women.  Roissy is still working out whatever issues he has with flaming harpies.  In my opinion, pursuit of “lawyerbitches” and the like is self inflicted misery which leads one to severe selection bias.  Hopefully, his current girlfriend is helping to smooth out those rough edges.  Girl must be a saint.

At Citizen Renegade though, I get a perspective that I wouldn’t normally get to see from the inside.  People who like you and have an interest in seeing you happy aren’t usually going to tell you the darker bits of the truth.  For that, you’ve got to steel yourself, and talk to people who hate you.

Haters may be just as irrational as people who love you, but somewhere in the middle is the balance; the truth.  In the past couple of years, I’ve been called every name in the book, but I’ve learned A LOT about men.  I already had a reasonable hold of reality, thanks to my Dad, but my Dad loves me.  Everything he says to me is designed to help me, and barring a few issues, he doesn’t sugarcoat, but he doesn’t want to undermine my confidence.  So it’s tempered somewhat.  It’s not dishonest because he really does think I’m beautiful and special.  Problem is, random guys I encounter may not think I’m beautiful or special, but may still want to get under my skirt.  It’s those guys whose motivation I needed to figure out in order to protect myself.

So, what I needed was an honest assessment of my “worth” in the general sexual market.  Roissy’s Dating Market Value Test for Women is a very good one.  I scored -4, by the way.  To let you know how much of a hit one takes for being fat and older, I retook the test with my features at 20, and scored 32.  So I’m positive that there’s no bias against smart or decent women who are even barely reasonably feminine.  I wouldn’t know how to rate the test for men.

Once I understood how others generally perceive me, I had to figure out under what contexts someone would find me woodworthy, and why someone who did might mishandle me.  The reasons for woodworthiness I gathered ranged from utter desperation for anything with a vagina, to being really drunk and enjoying my personality well enough to commit humanitarian fornication, to being patently rural and having a thing for giant boobs FTW, to fat fetishism.  For the rare sort of guy I tend to go for, it’s lack of concern for basic looks and more concern for grooming and hygiene, or I look like them/their mom/their favorite aunt/their first love, or someone very important whose face is burned in their memory; social relevance.

What confounded me until yesterday though, is why someone would mishandle me.  I’d assigned that to the wolf chewing off his arm to escape a trap because they think I’m ugly or worthless due to my low general market value.

Confident in my having found the Holy Grail for Fat Chicks, I added Roissyisms to my arsenal of ego destroying missiles to fire back in psychic warfare with former “bitches” daring to attempt to con me back into a largely one sided relationship.  Among them were, “You’re only calling me because you’re desperate, and you think I’m stupid,” and my favorite, “I’ve never been desperate/hated myself enough to shag someone I thought was hideous.  What’s that like?”

From the responses, it appeared that I was winning their respect and admiration.

Then, as of last night, my Holy Grail shattered when a young lady known as Anoukange said something that slammed the fact into my fat, arrogant face, that I already had it.  When you read this, have a look at Anoukange’s site and photos.  She’s not a teenager, but most guys think she’s fairly hot.  So they’d have no particular reason to go flying out the door immediately, right?

Link to main post | Link to comment

Cuddling after you’ve just started to sleep together is weird, and I don’t have a cold bone in my body. I just give the guy my bed and take the couch. You can always balance the cuddle instinct by “giving it to her” caveman style and then trying to cuddle after. ….talk about sending the hamster wheel into a tailspin.

Wha???

It did not compute.

As a woman of 40, who has only had a total of 12 years on the “dating market” since 16, half of those as a spiritually but platonically married lady, I have not had vast sexual experience.  I had fun in high school…a few freaky incidents under my belt, but that’s a feministically raised youth thing.  Once I came into my own at about 17, I understood that casual sex felt like necrophilia for me, so after that it was fiances and the friend zone.  My “casual” sex was more like promoting guys who were in what would be most girls’ friend zone, and even then I’d be frustrated if it didn’t develop further.

Though I wouldn’t recommend this policy as a general practice, for a few women, benevolent sluttery is a nice way to avoid the general market “cock carousel” and let the good guys know that there are a few women in the world who really do love decent men more than platonically.  Just understand that it’s a thankless “job”.  Most guys watch too much television, and think sex with young, hot chicks is normally available to normal guys, and that they were just having a “dry spell”.  Hell, some of them even think it’s normal for a hot girl to be low maintenance, and don’t understand that a low maintenance hot girl is a natural beauty with stunning genes, which is rare.  It takes them awhile of being out there trying to find another you, before they realize that you’re one in a million.

Story of my life until Shai.

Anyway, due to my apparently rather limited experience, I was convinced that it was highly abnormal and pathological for a guy to just get up and leave after sex.  “Casual sex” meant sex with someone you’re not in an explicit relationship with, but in execution, the incident would go something like make out, do the thing, make out and maybe cuddle a bit, bathroom if needed, do it again, into the night, fall asleep exhausted, and the awkward coffee or breakfast.  No rushing happened unless sometime during the sex or the sleeping, someone’s mom called thinking their son had disappeared, there was a bad car pileup or something blew up, and he had to go pick up or sew up bodies, or time had really run out.

The coyote chewing off arm thing happened after months or years, and figuratively, not right after.  That’s just…crazy.  Why would a woman stand for that?

I even had escape strategies for myself to avoid sleeping next to guys I wasn’t in an explicitly defined relationship with.  When I would fall asleep, which happened maybe only twice, it was brief and not restful at all.  If I didn’t get out of bed in time, I’d be stuck under an arm or a leg, or downright in the clutches, lying there awake.  One time I even pretended that there was a Voodoo ritual I had to do after sex.

No really.  I’d get up and light a red candle and dance a little.

So after the ensuing conversation, when my illusion of relatively clean karma was crashing around my brain, and I was starting to feel like a complete moron, I grabbed for any reassurance I could get.  I asked Shai if it was normal for guys to leave after the sex.  He’s like, “Why would a guy stay after the sex?”

So I’m sitting there, mouth agape, freaking out.

Humble pie in my face.

Some vodka, pickles, a series of drunk SMS’s asking for forgiveness, and a deathlike sleep later, I’m okay…humbled, but okay.

I have realized though, that I was indeed a ball cutting, witch of a bitch.

So, I will no longer have the pompous pleasure of referring to any of the sweet men of my past to whom I have grossly misattributed malice, when fear and exasperation were most likely the running sentiment, as “bitches”.  They are ex boyfriends.  They’re ex boyfriends I probably should have demanded more of as far as manning up and planting their flag or getting lost, but boyfriends is what they behaved like, so that’s what they were.

I understand now that the bitch was me.

“On a form filled out by those seeking spouses through a program at the mosque, Hasan listed his birthplace as Arlington, Va., but his nationality as Palestinian, Khan said.

“I don’t know why he listed Palestinian,” Khan said, “He was not born in Palestine.”

Nothing stood out about Hasan as radical or extremist, Khan said.”

Oh really?

Okay, say I’m the preacher at the local church, and one of my parish lists his nationality as Dixie, and runs around praising the KKK as heroes.  If and probably when they do something insanely violent, when the media comes to me asking if he seemed like an extremist, what do you figure I’d say?

Yes.  Yes I knew the guy was a nutbar, and that it was probably only a matter of time before something happened.  I’m surprised that when he began his killing spree, he didn’t come to my office first, because I took him aside on numerous occasions and tried to explain to him the dark direction his beliefs were taking him in.

Imams, priests, preachers, study leaders, spiritual counselors, and nurturing laymen, we can do better than this.  We must do better than this.