I woke up this morning to find another damned message on my cellphone, “I’m gone bye,” from Hannibal. Thursday night brought the usual weekly conversation about why I don’t want to shag him. I told him straight up, numerous times, that it’s because he treats me like an ugly girl. I was very clear that since he feels he’s slumming, he needs to get back out there and do better. No slump-busting to be had here.
He keeps saying that I’m cruel, but I’m no more cruel to him than he is to me. In fact, I’m doing him a favor by not wasting time that he could be spending in pursuit of someone who he feels he deserves. I’m not cruel, just candid. It was difficult not to actually be cruel though, since the more he tried to get sex from me without earning my trust, the more I despised him. Every time he said, “I want you,” or rather texted it, it looked like, “You’re a fucking nigger cunt,” to me.
I speak Manian with much greater fluency since my journey into the abyss. Since he didn’t actually use the translated terms, I did my best to be as civil as possible, albeit blunt.
Dang…just got a message from him. “Sleep well.” He just doesn’t get it. Oh well. No cure for stupid I guess. I didn’t answer. I’m going analog with him, and not speaking to him unless I see him. Even then, it’ll be civil and polite, but no more. You see, Sky is earning it.
Sky calls me a couple of times a week aside of visiting days. I’m free to call him, but I don’t unless it’s something important and time sensitive. He understands because I’m a lady, and ladies don’t call gentlemen unless they need to. He is a gentleman, but not the weak, capitulating sort. He just has manners, but if I’m being silly, he’ll tell me so.
I remember about Hannibal, I said, “He’ll do,” and he didn’t. About Sky, I can say that I can see this lasting for some time. He stayed interested for over 2 years, despite my overcharged defensive dismissal because of the misunderstanding about when Annie, his baby momma came along.
Well, it’ll last unless or until Shai solves his little problem. He went to the doctor about it, and was told that everything’s fine. Since he now feels that everything isn’t fine, since we had the talk about him not understanding how unique he really is, and my feeling bad about having to get that particular need met elsewhere, he’s experimenting with herbal solutions. I hope they work. I like Sky, but like everyone else, he’s no Shai.
I think what motivated Shai to actually start doing something about it is when I dropped a little truth a la Roissy on him. I told him that if I was a hot skinny blonde, he’d probably have felt more of a need to do something about it sooner. He said it’s not true, but I explained that it’s that he would feel more protective of me, and understand that he had a real chance of losing me because I’d have exponentially more options.
Because I’m a big, Black woman, regardless of how he feels about me, he does have some awareness of how others view me. He doesn’t feel as protective of me as he should, and this is why I was under the impression that he’d stopped loving me. My pain was something that he figured I’d just get over because I’m a strong woman. So somewhere deep down, he thought he was off the hook.
That got him thinking. So now he’s taking supplements to raise his testosterone and prevent prostate problems. We’ll see what happens. For the meantime though, I’m not pressuring him. Regardless of the physical issues, there’s still his orientation, and that isn’t going to change even if he has the testosterone level of Ghengis Khan. At least when he’s back up to speed, we’ll know for sure whether it was mechanical or psychological.