Who’s the Bitch II: Men Faking Orgasms

I haven’t been doing a lot of writing lately because my hands have been busy with art.  Some of it involves the making of mystical or psychospiritual items that require a lot of concentration to make properly.  As a non Santa-ist, I respect the aeons of trial and error that went into the symbolism, and combine that with modern psychology.  As a result, I’ve come up with some pretty effective amulets that are selling well.  I hope they continue to.

By the way, I still think Papa Legba is a pretty good Orisha for gender balance and men’s rights.  Likeminded folks should get to beading some red and black or red and white 6/0 beaded necklaces in patterns of threes.  My favorite is 3 red, 3 black, 6 alternating, and so on.  A nice design for women would also be 6 white, 1 red, 1 black, 1 red, and so on.  This is symbolic of the “heart of Shango”.

Shango is the legendary Orisha of fire and lightning, who was said to have had three wives.  The first one was dutiful (Oba), the second was beautiful (Oshun), and the third (his favorite Oya) was balanced plus very strong.

…which brings me to my latest reality check.  A couple of weeks ago, I had an interesting conversation with Wizard about women and what kind of women men like.  In the course of it, I made the presumptuous argument that it’s easier for men to have unemotional sex with women because for them, sex is like pizza (even when it’s bad, it’s still okay).  “No matter what, ” I dismissively said with a wave of the hand, “you get an orgasm out of it.”

He laughed, and told me that I was wrong, so very wrong.  He said that men can have real trouble ejaculating with a woman he’s either not that connected to, or can’t relax with.  I replied that this is probably very rare, but he said that it’s actually quite common.  So then I said maybe it’s just so with women a guy doesn’t feel very attracted to, and he says no, it is often so with very hot women.

Of course, I didn’t believe him.  I thought back to all my ex boyfriends, and the fountains of pleasure erupted through my mind like an advertising montage for a porn DVD.  There was just no way in hell he was right.  I am, in some men’s opinion, the ugliest woman on the planet, and if none of mine who weren’t incredibly drunk had any trouble getting there, certainly more beautiful women should be producing barrels of it.  Right?

So I asked around, and ultimately had to admit that Wizard was right.  The male sex drive is pretty strong, and though it’s pretty easy to produce erections, it’s not so easy to make a man explode.  Being very hot can even work against a woman if she has the wrong attitude.

By the wrong attitude, I don’t mean being openly cruel necessarily, but being too high risk as in flaky and potentially disloyal.  In the stories I heard from men who’d dumped or divorced hot women who didn’t seem so bad, the problem was that they could never relax.  They never believed the woman cared enough about them to never harm them, or they felt they had to keep hand to the point that cumming seemed too much like surrendering. 

Now, for the really screwed up part, some guys have been with women for months or years and never cum with them.  In these cases, the woman is always hot (8+ on the general looks scale), but not a virgin.  Apparently, for an unknown percentage of men, you do not get a hot chick free pass being a single mother or a known slut.  Even if they will date you and are beta enough to keep you as arm candy because they know other guys are jealous, at the moment that counts, the dick says, “Aw HELL naw!  I’d rather give it to the shower drain while she’s sleeping it off.”

So here is yet another example of how I was spoiled and didn’t know it.  Something I thought was normal really wasn’t.

On the one hand, male orgasms are pretty normal.  Under friendly, kind circumstances, hookers the world over managed to inspire orgasms even though they’ve been with many, many men.  Thing is, a hooker is generally a casual, friendly, kind sort of woman with a spunky attitude, but who doesn’t judge.

On the other hand, male orgasms are partly physical and partly psychological.  Very few men think about absolutely nothing when they’re masturbating.  Most men think about a hot woman who’s doing all the stuff they like to do *joyfully*, not begrudgingly.

Thinking back to the end of Vegeta, the one time after my discovery of his ars-ness, I don’t know how, but he sensed I didn’t want to be touching him.  I mean, I did and I didn’t.  I knew I had an expiration date with him once I found out that his peer group was the defective and too stupid to realize they’re rejects contingent of the herd.  Despite his many personal flaws and the flaws in the sociopathic subculture he’d chosen to wear the uniform of, I knew he thought he was too good for me.  From that point on, the thrill was gone, and the only reason to continue contact was for the sake of loyalty and hope that maybe I could convince him that at least as a nerd wearing clothes that actually fit, he’d have his dignity.

With the new awareness of male sexuality, I figure that if he, of all screwed up people, could sense that I was distancing myself, then certainly better men could get that “necro” feeling when shagging a woman who has no passion for them.  Whether or not a guy would successfully ejaculate under paranecrophillic conditions would depend on whether or not he could take his mind away from the moment he’s in (go to a happy place in his mind).

So what happens when a guy is with a hot woman and can’t ejaculate?  I’m thinking that maybe it’s because he’s already in his happy place.  This was his ultimate fantasy: a hot chick who is interested in him.  There are very few women in the world who are just stunningly beautiful, so the chances for him to meet another one unless he’s rich are kind of low, much less get one into bed.  When he gets one, there are no hills left to conquer.  This is the place he went to in his mind whenever he was shagging less beautiful women.  This is what’s on the screen and in the magazines.

What happens when the reality turns out not to be as good as the fantasy?  Longstroke, having been there with his fair share of tight, hot, Russian blondes says that what happens is that a man realizes that a vagina is a vagina is a vagina.  What ever he may do for show, when the lights go down he wants to be with someone who wants him and doesn’t make him feel like crap for wanting her.  He’s already, in his mid 20’s, at the point where no matter how smoking hot a woman is, if she starts with the shame, he’ll drop her then and there.

So to all you young pretty girls out there, here’s the lesson: either keep it in your pants or be discreet, don’t make babies with a man you don’t intend to stick with, and don’t make your man feel ashamed.  There are other girls out there who may not be as pretty as you, but they’re nicer.  If your man has a difficult time getting there with you, and can barely contain his excitement with someone else, the only real relevance your looks have on the scale above a certain floor of attractiveness is in social props…and men are more independent than women generally.

Their ego might suffer a little from losing you, but if that is being compensated for with teeth chattering, full body, cumtastic seizures, he’ll get over it and over you.

You’ve been told.  Now you can’t say nobody warned you when you’re bitching at your man about not making enough to get you Prada.