Good Enough Yet?

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Yesterday, I actually found myself sitting in my livingroom with Wizard, GothicAnne, and whodathunkit Vegeta.

Yeah.

…only now, he’s hit the Moroccan wall.  No more Gay porn ad cutie.  He’s now a big hairy normal guy.  No wait, a big, hairy normal guy with a lisp and t-rex hands.  How the mighty have fallen in just two years.

I’m sure I’ve aged a bit too.  I have a slight horizontal forehead wrinkle that shows when I lift my eyebrows, but I’m cool with aging and don’t screw people thinking I’m immortal and invulnerable.

So how, you may ask, did Vegeta get into my livingroom with other people than myself?  I’m not sure.  He asked if he could visit, and I informed him that my friends were coming, and he was surprisingly okay with that.  The suicide thought crossed my mind, but since he didn’t behave like he was on the edge, it seems that he’s grown a hint of a testicle in the past couple of years.

I hope only for his sake that this trend continues.  If not, I know myself well enough to know that I may not be able to resist eviscerating him.  It seems that what he wants is back in my “good graces”, but I have a problem with back tracking.  I think a man should have the dignity not to dig through his trash.

Maybe it’s a hangup, but maybe it’s because nobody has ever done what it takes to regain my trust after breaking it.  I figure that someone who valued me in any real way wouldn’t purposefully harm me in the first place, so it follows that they wouldn’t be interested in repairing the damage.  Thusfar, my expectations in this matter have been fulfilled.

So I don’t expect that he will really show a major change even though being seen with me in Haifa is a big step for him.  I have to admit though, that a small part of me still hopes.  I think it’s leftover madness-of-love and at the moment I’m kinda hating that about myself.

Since leashing the bitch, I’ve come to understand that the Jewish thing, in his case, was just a stupid excuse.  He’s got commitment issues, body image issues, and a whole host of other things rattling around in his head that make for a screwed up individual…but don’t we all?  His though, is the weird Mizrahi-in-Ashkenazi-dominated-field complex where he’s straddling two worlds.  Actually, make that three since he’s a sexual freak.  He craves acceptance and doesn’t find almost anybody here who’s cool with him as-is.  So he holds onto whatever he can, while at the same time trying to find an outlet for his real self.

Personally, I don’t have time for that crap.  These are issues I dealt with as a teenager.  Here though, some guys don’t get their head out from under their mom’s skirt until the 40’s.

So now I guess he’s hit 30 and hit the wall, and might be realizing that life is too short to be an ass kisser.  I can respect whatever moves he makes to man up, but that bridge between us is burned, sunk, and growing a nice sized coral reef already.

To get back to me he’s going to have to pass through the emotional purgatory that I’m not sure he’s ready for.  The big test is going to be my gauntlet of brothers.  They all know the story, and one, Kahuna, was standing next to me reading along during his first attempt at a rather pussified comeback…and fuming.

I hope none of you is missing the irony of this situation.  Now he’s the one who isn’t good enough, but not because of his ethnicity.  It’s his actions.  I am taking their counsel very seriously.  At the moment, the ones who know about last night are split between giving him a chance if he proves himself, and cut all ties because he’s a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to call himself Israeli, a Jew, a man, or a human being.

Sooner or later, if Vegeta insists on sticking around, the conversation of, “Why did you hurt my sister?” and, “If you do it agyin, you wyll dyshappeer,” is going to come up.  Long before that though, and to prevent the messiness of possible murder trials and whatnot, I am going to allow him to get to know the new old me.  I think he will find me not as desperate or as stupid as I was during the depressed phase.

If he does care for me, then to make things right, he must suffer as I suffered.  I understand now that forgiveness is one thing and reconcilliation is another.  He will have to prove that his intentions are honorable.

…but let’s be real here.  Would a guy with any remote clue of what honor is, do what he did to me?

Granted, the wound did open me up to listen to some much needed reality from the Abyss residents and MRA’s…but it was a wound.  I did lose a year and a half of my life caring for someone only to be betrayed with some of the worst words a woman can hear that don’t have to do with a dead baby.

So what’s my motivation in this?  Perhaps curiosity and some hope that maybe I wasn’t a complete moron for caring about him.  Truth is though, I think I was a moron then and I’m probably a moron for even speaking to him now.

One thing is certain and that is I am not quite as much of a moron as I used to be.  He’s not getting anywhere near my ladyparts until he passes the gauntlet.  I don’t think he will, but hey, he might surprise me.  Anyway, it’ll be fun to watch.

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