A few years into staring into the abyss, I’ve learned a lot that has disturbed me, but helped me greatly. Now I understand things that confused me before…mostly things I used to take personally, but then realized were “just business” or rather just biology.
I’m tapering off my exposure because most of it is kind of sad and pointless except as venting. Don’t get me wrong, men should vent. It’s just that women shouldn’t get into the habit of listening to them do it. It’s the thing Buddha’s teacher said about being so detached and into spirituality (or philosophy) that one ceases to be any practical good. Men should be allowed their mystique because the woman who no longer has any awe of manhood loses some of what’s awesome about womanhood.
At ground level though, I’ve noticed that even though I have no moral issues about being a platonically married woman having sexual relations with men in similar situations or older bachelors, I’ve been doing everything in my power to avoid having sex. Opportunities abound, but I always find a reason not to.
To be really honest, it’s because I’m afraid. Now that I know how men see me, and how little they appreciate decent women who are willing to have sex with and love them, I just can’t bring myself to get naked in front of anyone. It’s not just because of what I’ve read online. It’s because of real life experience. The online stuff just provided the whys, but men I’ve encountered offline have done all the what.
I’m not saying that there are no men out there who could love me. I did manage to find one. However, I’m thinking that I should just get used to the idea of being celibate for the rest of my life, and thank the Lord for the few years of great sex I did manage to have.
No other men I’ve encountered thusfar have shown me that they think I’m worth anything. Now, as charismatic and visible as I tend to be, it’s hard for me to imagine what it must be like for a shy girl whose looks are about at my level or the levels I’ve been at in the course of my life.
In the context of western culture, most of what us plain girls are doing by being on the market is handling the excess. Not all guys get a chance with the hot girls, so they just use us while they’re waiting for the unicorn (hot chick with a heart of gold). They resent us. After they have sex with us, they hate themselves.
They hate themselves because they couldn’t land a hotter girl. The reason for this is not that men are shallow, but that women have basically reduced their value to their looks and sexual availability. If a guy didn’t have a good mother who actually mothered him, he’s not going to know to look for a woman who would be a good mother, or value this more than whether or not she’s as hot as the girls he’s used to looking at while he masturbates.
Art depicting the ideal female forms has been around since there was art, but only recently did it become important for women to actually look like that. It’s because while in the past, people enjoyed beauty, function was important too. A good wife and mother handling her business was a matter of life and death and social status. Now, in the disposable culture, even men are becoming hypergamous. When their current wife or girlfriend’s status (looks) reduce, it’s okay to trade her in for a higher status (younger, better looking) woman.
So now that my own status is “looks pretty good for her age”, I believe there is little hope of me finding another man who values me as more than a platonic friend. The only reason my legal husband did is because he’s an extremely independent thinker, and those are rare…very rare.
It’s a chilling thought, that in order for a plain girl in today’s world to get a man who doesn’t think less of himself for being with her, she has to hope against hope that she’ll encounter an extremely independent thinker. Liking decent women used to be normal.
I don’t know if it will ever be normal again. I do know that it isn’t now. So why should I beat my head against a wall? It’s insane.