How The Lie Gets Good People Into Trouble: Unconditional Love, Trust, and Loyalty
When an abuser wants to justify or avoid responsibility for their bad behavior, they turn it around on the receiver. They make it your fault that you were hurt by what they did. It’s not that they are wrong for calling you out of your name, hitting you, neglecting or betraying you, or otherwise harming you. According to them, you were hurt because you aren’t loving, loyal, or forgiving enough.
How that works is that they don’t have to be even minimally courteous, considerate, or loyal to you, but you are supposed to be those at the maximum for them. If you question them or ask for any assurance, you are committing a mortal sin of distrust, and they feel insulted by this. You are told that if you don’t trust them implicitly, you are not worthy of them.
It is common for abusive people, once confronted with bad things they have done to say some version of either, “You made me do it,” or, “I never hurt you.” This is often the case in the passive aggressive sort of abuser who uses the silent treatment and neglect as primary weapons. They behave as if they don’t understand unspoken and sometimes even spoken social contracts or agreements that a 5 year old would get. Because they didn’t actively do something like curse you or hit you, they claim ignorance and innocence when it is clear that they did intend to harm their target and enjoy the fact they have caused someone confusion and pain.
Actively aggressive people do this too. They will say something really messed up, blow something way out of proportion, go off on you, or hit you. When you respond by addressing what they did, firing back, or walking away, then somehow you are wrong. They act as if you are supposed to be apologizing for their misdeeds.