I have learned from my experiences that even though the facts are what they are, most people are uncomfortable when you state what is obvious but not articulated. I have only met one guy who was comforted by my telling him that he had no chance of me taking him seriously. Well, he seemed comforted anyway, but then he started trying to buy me things and get all involved in my emotions. Had to break that mixed signals nightmare off. So even if they seem like they’re cool with the safe distance that they asked for, they might not actually be cool with it.
For some reason, men seem to react very badly to being held at arm’s length, even after they have expressed fear of bonding. I don’t understand it, but I accept it as the way that things are. People do not like to be told the reality of their level of importance when they have made sure that they will remain relatively unimportant compared to a bonded mate.
I thought for a time it was because I worded it wrong or my tone was too cruel. I understand that when these topics come up, I can switch into a sort of cyborg mode. Absence of an emotion is absence of an emotion. I don’t know how to make an emotion seem there a little bit when it is absent, because I am not a good manipulator. In the end, I understood that people don’t really want to be unimportant. What they want is control.
So the thing to do, since you need the time you’ve been giving to them for 3 sex to pursue a relationship in which you can have at least 7 sex anyway, give them control, to a degree. Let them initiate conversations and arrange appointments. It’s not quite withdrawing as much as it is not overextending yourself. When you have time an inclination to deal with them, do so, and when you don’t, then don’t. Be natural about this.
If too much time passes and they don’t initiate anything, you know it’s over, or maybe it will be a long time before they need what you have to offer, and that’s okay since they are a 3. Don’t manufacture hard feelings around it. It doesn’t mean anything except that they can’t really contain you, but you knew this almost from the beginning anyway. So there is no need to break up or be aggressively protective against them. Just travel light.
On the other hand, they might be the kind of crazy that they want you to love them while they are just exploiting you. If they are talking non committal, but they want to monopolize your hunting time, are looking at your phone or profiles to see what you’re doing, or expressing other kinds of possessiveness or too much intimacy than a casual partner deserves then
This happens to us a lot. One of the traps is “friends with benefits”. Someone will claim that they don’t love you or don’t consider what you have a “relationship” or whatever, but if you are seeing other people, they’ll express jealousy about it. If you don’t answer their calls or accept their appointments because you’re busy or just need space or just need space with people who are close only, and don’t have time for people who are not close, they’re upset about it. Someone who volunteers for a secondary or unbonded role in your life should be able to accept a secondary or unbonded role. They should not get butt hurt that you have people in your life who are committed to you, who you would rather be with when what you need is love instead of a lay.
I’m not saying just kick them to the curb immediately. Offer them a chance to renegotiate. Sometimes people just don’t know what they want and you kind of have to take the reins and tell them what to do. If they do it and the relationship becomes reciprocal and not just transactional, you know they were just insecure or fearful. Some people have a fear of abandonment and proactively distance themselves so they don’t get hurt. We’re all human.
But if what they want is for you to be at their beck and call while they trample your heart, get out of there and say whatever it is you need to say with maximum brutality. Be a deterrent from their trying to play that game again.
I hope this article helps you to navigate safely or safe as we can be anyway. As always, feel free to comment or ask any questions.