I thought of entitling this post, “A Clear and Peasant Danger,” but that was too corny. Besides, he’s actually not a danger because he’s disqualified himself. He chickened out of the talk with Diva and got a little too passive aggressively judgy about my situation, so that was that. He’s blocked everywhere because he has an accountability issue and an isolation agenda.
Meanwhile it seems that Jubilee is staying separated and moving towards divorce, but staying very amicable. My gut tells me there is what to save there, but they really need to talk to a kink friendly professional who is not a romanticist. That is hard to find. Someone has to have been through things in their personal journey that have permanently cured them of Disney. Most of us freaks have spent so much time trying to either normalize (read assimilate) or be treated as if we were normal (read common in both implications of that term) that it’s rare for us to get to a place of prioritizing practicality and being functional in the context of who we are. That’s going to vary from person to person. There is no standard or standardized approach that is going to do the job. For us, family is about connection and building and/or nurturing functioning beings and legacies.
The role of a partner includes an intense bond that is first and foremost familial. This magic does not get nearly enough attention. Sexual attraction is like a cigarette in the break area while familial attraction is a honey flavored nargilah laying around on pillows, laughing and telling stories with trusted friends.
This is not to say that sexual attraction is insignificant. If you’ve cured yourself of self hatred and dysfunctional impulses well enough, it’s a great trust enhancer and nurturing exchange. The problem is that until one gets to that level, which most people may or may not even begin until their 40’s, it should be below whether or not one is sure one can trust someone with their life and wellbeing on the partner priorities list. As many arranged marriages have proven, one can build sexual attraction on trust. The greater incidence of breakup and abuse in relationships built on horniness and butterflies proves one should not build trust on sexual attraction. Attraction can happen from availability, desperation, boredom, and all sorts of things having nothing to do with long term suitability.
So, to handle these situations correctly, a therapist has to let go of the idea that the ideal marriage/partnership must contain sex or regular sex with each other. It must however allow everybody in that couple or grouping to have their needs met and safe outlets for their needs and desires. In a sense, they must still be sexual partners, but more in the sense of having an interest in each others’ sexual wellbeing. It should neither be a burden solely on one’s partner’s shoulders nor an issue to neglect. Shai and I, for example, are each other’s wingpersons and protectors.
In fact, Shai warned me that the peasant was going to flake out. He says people like this don’t really change. They may see that they’re being silly at some point, but the desire for Disney doesn’t go away with age, only experience. It’s such a wonderful and popular illusion that it takes something going wrong to break it. Even then the person has to have some inner strength to let it go. If after two failed engagements and many rejections because he didn’t fit someone’s fantasy didn’t cure him, nothing will. It’s a hopeless case.
I had a weird dream about another former something from before the demisexual awakening. He also has an accountability problem, and didn’t accept the conditions for a comeback. In waking life I scared him off by reminding him that I am basically a witch and pursue alignment, so it’s not a good idea to mess with me. If he hurts me, I don’t need to touch my altar, though I do so daily. Even if I tell the Universe nothing, it knows and moves how ever it does. This made him uncomfortable. He told me that I’m crazy and I shouldn’t threaten people, and I told him it’s not a threat. It’s just a fact. The world is round.
In the dream we woke up together, apparently after a long night. He was laying on his side, smiling, and I was facing him. I told him it was morning, and he had to go because he’s not supposed to be here. He asked me why not, and I told him it’s because he doesn’t really want to be here. He insisted that he does, so I got up, and he started following me around. It was annoying, so I just ignored him and went on with my day. At some point it was time for me to go back to bed, and he got in with me. So I started pushing him out and yelling at him that if he doesn’t want to be here he should go away. So he layed his head on my lap and held onto me and said he doesn’t want to go away. So I petted him and scratched his scalp a little like I do, and sighed, “Whatever.”
When I woke up I was pretty weirded out, but it is funny. I don’t know if it’s a warning that he’s going to attempt another return without meeting the conditions, or if it’s my brain having nostalgia for when things were simpler but more painful. I’m not going to judge myself too harshly. At the time, I thought playing stupid was the way to get my needs met. It was a dilemma between doing what I wanted to do the way I wanted to do things and being mostly alone, and pretending to be an idiot and having a regular supply of vitamin D. The problem is that vitamin D is dangerous. If it’s with someone trustworthy and good hearted, it’s great, but if it’s not then it comes with too much drama and pain.
He put me on the shelf for someone who was more socially convenient, so if he’s not interested in proving to me that he’s serious about being mine, then I am not interested in him. So the dream may have been a nice what if scenario, but even in my dreams I remember that he left. If I can’t even get into a dream about someone without remembering they hurt me, I am over them.
So he and the peasant are out there trying to find other women who will be like me except socially convenient. I’d say I wished them luck, but I don’t. I’m not that fake. I’m also aware that someone doesn’t become like me without having some key experiences and awareness lessons that are nonexistent among the socially convenient. So they’re either doomed do suffer without a lot of important things or they will have to butch up to find another woman like me. So I don’t wish them luck. I wish them time.