I don’t think he’s trying to convince you that it’ll never happen. I haven’t read all of your conversations, but that doesn’t sound like him to prophecy doom on someone who’s at least nurturing.

Maybe he’s saying that you’re going about getting what you want the wrong way. I don’t know the specifics.

…but about your response:

“Nicole, I don’t think you are crazy but PLEASE do not undergo any form of genital mutilation to please a man.”

It wasn’t to please him. It was to please me. I don’t particularly want to have sex with anyone else, so at the time it seemed like a good option.

It still seems like a preferable alternative to 15-20 more years of suffering or casual sex. However, the reason I don’t do it is because Shai has told me not to.

I can’t decide yet if this is because he is cruel and doesn’t know it, or if he thinks I have a snowball’s chance in hell of finding a complete mateship type of love while staying with him at the same time.

I try to explain to him that the chances of this are extremely low, and that finding a new partner would mean leaving him. I’d have to leave him to have a chance, and I don’t want to leave him.

“Please do not take what I am going to say the wrong way. Here are my suggestions for you after seeing your pictures on your sight.

1. Lose weight, lots of it. If you were to begin a serious exercise program your looks would improve dramatically and so would your ability to attract a man. I’m not saying youre ugly, I think youre beautiful, but being slim is definitely a standard of the Western man.”

I have lost almost 30 kg. so far. I’m still technically fat though, and will probably be so for some years yet. I assure you though, that when I’m done being fat, barring any severe injury, I will be buff.

I have never had an average body, so I’ve never been physically compatible with the average man. The kinds of guys I have always liked, were neither put off nor intimidated by extra weight on a woman, so long as she is fit and strong.

“2. Cut off your locks, grow your hair out and get braids, a cute natural style, or a perm.”

If I cut off my dreadlocks, the only other style I’d consider is a mohawk.

“3. GO WHERE THE MEN ARE!!!! You are in Israel for chrissakes! Move to a military town such as Jacksonville, NC or St.Louis,MO, anywhere there is substantial number of men than women.”

That would mean leaving. I know I could find a man if I went home. I don’t want to leave Shai to find another man.

“4. Go out ALOT.”

If you mean clubs, that’s a big no. I’m no cougar, and I’m not looking for cubs.

“I can say with almost absolute certainty that you will get a man in no time. Everything that I am suggesting is far less painful and less stressful than having your clit cut off.”

Everything you’ve mentioned though, is either against my principles or not really guaranteed to land me a better marriage than the one I have. Maybe I’m being too rigid, but I really don’t want anything close to an average guy. They fail women like me because they aren’t strong enough. So I have no desire to appeal to them.

“Whatever happened to love being kind and not rude? NO man who loved you like you love him would be able to sleep at night with the thought of the woman he claimed to love permanently maiming herself and being denied sexual pleasure for the rest of her life.”

Actually, I don’t think Shai sleeps well on this. It’s going to become more apparent to him when I start sleeping in the same bed with him again in spring.

To be honest, I’m kind of dreading it, but it is the only way he will get to see what I’m going through with his own eyes.

I left the bed and got my own room a few years ago to spare him most of it, but I think enough times of me waking up masturbating or crying, and he’ll be more okay with me having my own room again.