Year 12: Well, I Tried

Yesterday was Shai and my 12th anniversary.  We went to the Bear Pub, and ate and drank well.  The Bear is one of maybe only four places in the Carmel center where you can do both of those.

We did some reminiscing, and some talking.  I’m sorry to say though, that I haven’t successfully convinced him to get his issues seen to.

The last time I was in a similar position, I was 25 years old.  This time I’m almost 40.  What makes it harder is that I’m not in any particular physical danger except maybe from myself.  If I’m honest, that has to be the biggest problem at the moment.  He’s just doing what is his nature to do.  He’s a fetishist, and better yet, and older fetishist.  From his point of view, he’s just matured to a level where he doesn’t feel he has to do things he doesn’t really like doing, especially when they involve risks that he is firmly against taking.  He doesn’t like sexual intercourse, and is against taking the risk of possibly breeding.

So basically, there is no, or rather extremely limited room in his sexuality for someone like me.  There’s room in his dungeon, but not in his pants.

I am so fucked.

I’m almost 40, and will never get love and sex from the same person ever again.  Admitting that to myself almost makes me want to cry.  What stops the tears is the realization that this is actually freedom.  Now that I’ve accepted that fact, I no longer need to try to get both from the same person.

Personally, I don’t see a point in having sex with someone I don’t love, and who doesn’t love me.  It feels necrophillic, and I can’t suspend disbelief enough during the actual sex act to convince myself that it feels good.  Physically and mechanically, I’m there, but I would be lying if I said that sex with anyone except Cuz for the past 5 years has been even remotely truly satisfying.  If I could make myself turn off my emotions up until the sex itself, all illusions were brutally crushed by the time any penetration happened.

Granted, this means that any of my former bitches who reads this will understand that I lied to them, but well, that would just make us even, now wouldn’t it?  I never claimed moral superiority to them, just greater survival energy.  I suppose now they’ll understand why none of them could really break me.  I pretended to go along with their lies to me and to themselves for the same reason I don’t argue with my parents about religion.  If they want to believe in Santa Claus, I’m happy to take the bite from the cookie, sip the milk, hide the presents until Christmas morning, and act as surprised and thrilled as they are.

So what’s next?

Well, anyone who’s read the Kama Sutra knows the answer.  I gotta be real, and I gotta be me.  Now that I understand what my life is going to be like, I’m not going to rail against reality.  I’m going with the flow.  At this point, I’ll view sex as something like an occasional antidepressant.  For the next 10-15 years, once a year, I’ll seduce some dude who will at least appreciate it once.  This will tide me over until I myself become physically uninterested in sex, and maybe beyond so long as the psychological urge is still there.  It’s basically how I was for a year before I met my first husband, and that felt right.

At 21, I already understood that I lived in a screwed up world, and my chances of finding a guy who is an independent thinker was low, one who was attracted to me even lower, and one who wasn’t broken and would stick with me low like winning the lottery.  My experiences between then and now kind of confused me into thinking maybe there might be some small chance.  Now I understand that it’s just not going to happen for me, though I do encourage younger wolves to keep hunting because you never know.

For me personally though, the search is over.  I am grateful for what I have.  I have someone who is a good companion for me, and who I can talk to beyond the age my hormones stop nagging me.  Truthfully, that’s what a marriage is supposed to be if you strip away the superficial and sexual issues: a bond with a person for life, not for sex.  I’m wired so that I don’t really need sex for strong bonding.  Once someone’s in my pack, that’s it.  If I don’t see them for 20 years, I still have the same take-a-bullet love.

Beyond me and Shai, I have some great friends.  I have enough love in my life.  So sex is something more physically driven, and really kind of an annoying urge that I wish would go away, but it doesn’t.  I have to keep it in perspective.

…and that’s that.  I thank biomechanics and whatever Creator entity there may be for the lesson, and look forward to the next adventure.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.


  1. I’m feeling pretty much the same way about sex right now. I NEED a sense of love, understanding, and complete trust with my partner. Anything else would feel like pretending. (And thats exactly what it feels like, as if been at a table eating but I can’t seem to get full). I’m still hopeful that I’ll find someone who I can have this with, despite folks like Obsidian who seem determined to convince me that it will never happen.

  2. I don’t think he’s trying to convince you that it’ll never happen. I haven’t read all of your conversations, but that doesn’t sound like him to prophecy doom on someone who’s at least nurturing.

    Maybe he’s saying that you’re going about getting what you want the wrong way. I don’t know the specifics.

    …but about your response:

    “Nicole, I don’t think you are crazy but PLEASE do not undergo any form of genital mutilation to please a man.”

    It wasn’t to please him. It was to please me. I don’t particularly want to have sex with anyone else, so at the time it seemed like a good option.

    It still seems like a preferable alternative to 15-20 more years of suffering or casual sex. However, the reason I don’t do it is because Shai has told me not to.

    I can’t decide yet if this is because he is cruel and doesn’t know it, or if he thinks I have a snowball’s chance in hell of finding a complete mateship type of love while staying with him at the same time.

    I try to explain to him that the chances of this are extremely low, and that finding a new partner would mean leaving him. I’d have to leave him to have a chance, and I don’t want to leave him.

    “Please do not take what I am going to say the wrong way. Here are my suggestions for you after seeing your pictures on your sight.

    1. Lose weight, lots of it. If you were to begin a serious exercise program your looks would improve dramatically and so would your ability to attract a man. I’m not saying youre ugly, I think youre beautiful, but being slim is definitely a standard of the Western man.”

    I have lost almost 30 kg. so far. I’m still technically fat though, and will probably be so for some years yet. I assure you though, that when I’m done being fat, barring any severe injury, I will be buff.

    I have never had an average body, so I’ve never been physically compatible with the average man. The kinds of guys I have always liked, were neither put off nor intimidated by extra weight on a woman, so long as she is fit and strong.

    “2. Cut off your locks, grow your hair out and get braids, a cute natural style, or a perm.”

    If I cut off my dreadlocks, the only other style I’d consider is a mohawk.

    “3. GO WHERE THE MEN ARE!!!! You are in Israel for chrissakes! Move to a military town such as Jacksonville, NC or St.Louis,MO, anywhere there is substantial number of men than women.”

    That would mean leaving. I know I could find a man if I went home. I don’t want to leave Shai to find another man.

    “4. Go out ALOT.”

    If you mean clubs, that’s a big no. I’m no cougar, and I’m not looking for cubs.

    “I can say with almost absolute certainty that you will get a man in no time. Everything that I am suggesting is far less painful and less stressful than having your clit cut off.”

    Everything you’ve mentioned though, is either against my principles or not really guaranteed to land me a better marriage than the one I have. Maybe I’m being too rigid, but I really don’t want anything close to an average guy. They fail women like me because they aren’t strong enough. So I have no desire to appeal to them.

    “Whatever happened to love being kind and not rude? NO man who loved you like you love him would be able to sleep at night with the thought of the woman he claimed to love permanently maiming herself and being denied sexual pleasure for the rest of her life.”

    Actually, I don’t think Shai sleeps well on this. It’s going to become more apparent to him when I start sleeping in the same bed with him again in spring.

    To be honest, I’m kind of dreading it, but it is the only way he will get to see what I’m going through with his own eyes.

    I left the bed and got my own room a few years ago to spare him most of it, but I think enough times of me waking up masturbating or crying, and he’ll be more okay with me having my own room again.

  3. I don’t know you, but I just want you to be happy.

  4. Thank you for that. I’d like you to be happy too.

    Question…what is it about your beliefs that has Obsidian all negative? I missed something in the lead-up to the pronouncement.

    IMO, sometimes he gets a little gruffy and impatient, but that’s just one of those man things. I do think you believe some of the hype that keeps a lot of good women in the dark, but you seem open to new perspectives. One thing you have to come to understand though is that those of us who are the deep feeling, marrying type, have traps set for us to kind of hide us from marks that more exploitive types of women want.

    The whole Barbie = beauty thing is one of them. The one thing anybody can say without a doubt that all men like is variety. Little else that isn’t a defect, and even some things that are, can be held up as the most preferred thing.

    Granted, many men are cogs in the machine and will praise the cookie cutter Hollywood ideal to the sky, but very few of them are truly brainwashed enough to buy it fully.

    I was an adult webmaster for a few years. I know what guys will pay to see, and that is *every* kind of woman there is, and for a smaller percentage, every kind of man too.

  5. Obsidian tries to disparage my decision to stop having sex and remain abstinent until marriage. He thinks that because I have a daughter the most important thing I should be trying to do right now is find her father despite the fact that she already has male role models.

    I also tend shred his arguments when Im at his site. Originally I made a comment at Roissys about black men being very sensitive to correction by black women and being offended when a black woman knows more than them. He took that comment over to his site and made an entire post about it. I think he though he was going to be able to make me recant and show how much smarter he was than me, when that didn’t happen and I started destroying his dumb arguments he got mad and started erasing my posts and intimating that I had some sort of crush on him. It was getting ridiculous. So now he puts my name in every other post but erases my comments, im guessing as a way to save face.

  6. I think I see what the problem is now, and I hope you don’t take offense. This is not meant as an insult or an attempt to put you down. It’s just that I’m pretty fluent in Manian, and I think I get what he’s trying to say.

    Your decision to remain abstinent until marriage is commendable, but in this day and age, it is a gamble above a certain age. At up to 25 or so, it’s fairly normal for wifely types to be careful who and why, despite the media hype that makes it look like everybody’s doing it. Up to that age, your main worry is competition from other similarly aged girls. Even up to maybe 30, I’d say that was the issue.

    Over 30 though, it’s not that your competition is prettier than you or nicer than you. It’s that your single competition at that age is very often still single for good reasons.

    A person who can love and bond with people usually does so at least once before the age of 30, even if it’s with the wrong person. If they haven’t found a mate and don’t have kids, they at least have a dog or cat or better yet, more than the usual number of pets. The enjoy love and being a loving person.

    A great many women though, are extremely self absorbed and taught that this is a good thing. They couldn’t truly bond with someone even if you sewed them to someone. As they get older, this problem usually becomes worse, not better, but many women feel social and financial pressure to marry. So they pursue it despite not being suited to it.

    Where in your teens and 20’s, your competition was fresh, and so were you, now they are a horde of expert exploiters wreaking havock on the shrinking suitable single male population.

    You have to try to see it from the other side. The few women over 30 and single who are suitable for commitment and the few suitable men over 30 sometimes overlap, but most of both pools are gold diggers, players, or some other brand of screwed up.

    So you have to be able to stand out from the crowd in some way other than abstinence. That should be something you do to avoid harming yourself at the hands of others, and to preserve your freshness and ability to love in a healthy way. It is not something that will necessarily increase your chances of finding a partner in general. It’ll just make it easier for you both when you do.

    Now, because you have a daughter, even if she has male role models in the family who love her (and I mean love as in would even visit her in prison or the hospital for the criminally insane if she became an axe murderer) whoever you get with has to be father material. If he has kids he loves and who respect him, you might be okay, but if he doesn’t, you might be taking a chance.

    You don’t want to be a horror story. It’s not a good idea to experiment in this arena, or take chances that she’s going to pay the price for. You aren’t just looking for a partner, but a suitable father. That much, he is right about.

    Others can do the job, but nobody else can really do the job of teaching her how a woman, specifically her mother, deserves to be loved. I learned things from my dad that I could not have learned from my uncles, even though my uncles are great.

    If I’m understanding him correctly, this is what Obsidian is trying to say about that. When or if you have a man, you have to be able to trust him to be the man. If you can’t then he’s the wrong man.

    The kind of man you need is in short supply. You’re asking him to be able to get over the fact that you’re not in prime reproductive years, and to be able to love a child that is not his biological offspring. On top of that, he’s got to find you in a crowd of women who are nothing like you, but pretending very well.

    So you have to be up on what’s really going on out there, and work your girl game. That may mean becoming less conventional about your idea of marriage. Once you’re shopping for guys within a certain age range, many who have been burned before, paperwork should be secondary to the relationship.

    Even Saudi Arabia is adapting to a new playing field. They started sanctioning probationary marriages because they have so many single and divorced people who are above the prime age and don’t have the families or social network to negotiate marriages competently for them.

    It’s not about lowering your standards. It’s about understanding that the institutional aspects have failed because too many people for too long have made a mockery of them.

    If you have to have the paper, then you have to narrow your search to guys who still value the institution of marriage. Those are in the church or the mosque. You don’t find those elsewhere in enough numbers to matter.

    What’s likely pissing Obsidian off is that you seem to have conflicting desires, and you don’t understand the gravity of your situation.

    Love…the deep crazy kind, is fairly common in the world, but in the west and westernized countries, it has become something twisted. I know some old people here who still have it, but something got broken in most people who are under 50. Making an educated guess, it was likely a combination of entitlement culture and feminism, but I can’t be worried about herd issues as more than a matter of fascinating curiosity and to be really honest, my own shepherding missions.

    I’d like to help people in general, but I understand very well that people in general are very susceptible to social trends and influences. Survival drive will save most to a degree, so that’s the side I speak for, but I’m competing with forces that have more money, more media, and therefore more influence.

    On the personal end though, I know I’m a freak and the statistical odds will always be against me. I had to learn to be comfortable with that.

    Whether you are highly independent or moderately, I don’t know, but I do know sheep don’t venture outside and stay long enough to debate. You ask the questions and have the discussions and debates because you want to know the answers. For this reason, Obsidian does not pull punches.

    On the one hand, you shouldn’t take it personally, but on the other, you should consider that he’s male and from what I can tell, quite dominant. If you make it a power struggle, he’s going to try to win it. If, on the other hand, you don’t make it a power struggle, and try to learn something of his perspective, then it won’t come to that.

    That’s just my 2 cents. There is very little mainstream about the guy, and everything is measured against his perspective, which is closer to rational and yet natural, than you’ll find in most guys.

    I’m not saying don’t ever challenge him. Just pick your battles, and if you’re really on the side of the decent women, understand that we have been sold a great lie that has put many of us behind the 8-ball.

    We’ve been sold a great many lies actually.

  7. I don’t think Obsidian is dominant at all. I’ve won several debates with him and made him back down, but of course he erased them and then tried to pretend I was attracted to him and flirting with him.

    I’d love to talk to you about those lies you believe we’ve been told, hopefully you’ll be making some more posts about your perspective on feminism later.

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