Calibrating Level of Aggression in Primal Sex: How to Know How Rough You Can Go and When to Just Go

Athena Many times, even if you explain to people that Primal isn’t the same thing as brutal, they don’t get it. Even for many Primal people, it’s not so easy to get from theory to practice without a few ice-pack afterglows. Those first steps, once one becomes aware of their desires, can be pretty scary. We’ve all heard the horror stories of rough sex gone wrong.

Primal sex is under the umbrella of BDSM, but it isn’t quite as well defined. Some of our normal pushes the boundaries of consent and safety, sometimes sanity. I don’t know a single one of us who has  always ever framed our desires in a totally accepting way unless internalizing the label “monster” counts as acceptance.

But being Primal does not make us monsters. We are not doomed to blindly bumbling through our sex and/or love lives leaving traumatized exes in our wakes. There are ways to do this reasonably. You just need to use your natural gifts.

Before I continue, please remember the usual disclaimers. I may describe things in terms of classic masculinity or maleness and classic femininity or femaleness. Please don’t get hung up on gender labels. Second, this article is not some sort of magic pill that will cure all of your sexual issues. I’m going on my experience and those expressed and interpreted to me by others. It’s general advice and guidance, so please read your specific situation carefully before taking any of it.

Now, first things first, you have to be comfortable with your inner animal, or better, the fact of your animalistic nature due to being an animal. It’s the “everybody poops” issue. You are a part of Nature and Nature is a part of you. You are many things in one: at one time you were a child, now you are an adult (hopefully if you are reading this article), so both of those are in you. You are a nurturer, and you are also a torturer. You are a protector and a killer. You are an embrace and a rejection. You have all possibilities in you and what makes you conscious is that at least when you aren’t pushed into a corner, you can choose which you will be.

If you can’t accept yourself for all of who you are, then you are going to do this wrong. Yes, I am including all of the unspoken things that lurk in your psyche. They are there. If you’re going to touch primal sex, you have to accept that they are there, whether or not they are appropriate, and cope with the fact that they are there so that you don’t do stupid destructive things.

This may be a lifelong quest though. In the meantime you need to be able to get your needs met and meet others’ needs without getting into or causing too much trouble. So you need to learn to be accepting of other people’s inner and physical animal as well. For this, you will need something called “emotional resilience”. Around the game community, some call this “state control”, but that means something entirely different, and I think it was one of the bad seeds the manipulators used for political ends. The proper term is resilience.

It may seem confusing if someone thinks that being Primal means being out of control. It does not. Your inner animal is a human first, and one of the things that makes us distinctive in the animal kingdom, much like other predators, is the ability to stay focused on the hunt even if conditions are not ideal, and not balk at whatever reasonable effort is needed to accomplish a goal. We don’t need ideal. We need opportunity, and we need to be flexible enough to see opportunities.

Basic Anatomy. Learn it.

Since the more immediate risk is of physical safety, we’ll start with basic anatomy. Females and feminine people tend to be or “present” more fragile than masculine or male people. An androgyne who is genitally male may look pretty sturdy, but chances are that he has a different estrogen to testosterone balance than more masculine people, so his skin may be a little thinner and softer, and his bones not as dense either. Supportive touching and moves towards containment, as mentioned in the Masculine Embrace article, are such a turn on partly because whether it is because of raw physical or mostly psychological reality, it indicates that you know what you are hunting. Whether they are gunning to be your mate your your prey, or a bit of both (hello spider folk), being good at what you do is sexy.

You should know, basically, how skin works, how bones work, and how muscles and ligaments move comfortably and don’t. You should know when you are hurting someone, and how much something you do is likely to hurt or harm. You should know how to handle a living being without doing damage. Because many of you out there have never had pets or tended to animals on a farm or cared for loved ones, understand that this is a kind of ignorance that needs correction. If you don’t have enough experience handling creatures, I don’t care what you have to do to get some, but get some.

One of the things you will learn is that you can’t apply the same force or friction to every part of the body. Someone may be able to take a hard enough bite on their shoulder to cause a bruise, but this does not mean they can take a hard grab of their  clitoris or testicles. If it is your first time with someone, go soft to hard, not hard to soft.  Especially with genitalia, or anywhere with a major blood vessel close to the skin or mucous membrane, start softest and increase the intensity until they express that you are close to a limit. Don’t start hard and then go softer. You may do some damage that could create limits that wouldn’t be there if you’d been careful.

How soft should you start? Well, how hard would you want someone to touch your eyeball? That’s where to start. If you’re too soft, they will make it known either by telling you or moving into or giving into your touch or bite, or pulling you closer. Somehow they’ll let you know.

A feminine, receptive, or variable partner also needs to learn how to give coherent feedback or reciprocation. Sometimes we get into a headspace that it’s hard to articulate things, but if you are with an inexperienced partner, you have to be careful about that. It may feel like it’s ruining the moment, but bleeding or an infection would ruin it more. Learn to speak up when you are being overstimulated, damaged, or a physical or psychological limit has been crossed.

When Pain Becomes Pleasure

Another thing to be aware of is that pain tolerance is related to arousal. The more aroused someone is, the more pain they are likely to be able to not only endure, but enjoy. Some things that would be extremely uncomfortable 2 minutes into an encounter may be wonderful 10 minutes in or an hour or more in.

Duration of pain and periods of relief can also be part of the good pain and pleasure cycle. Some things feel good in bursts, and some sustained. Some things are better as a surprise, and some things planned.

“Read the room”, and if you have the luck of a consistent partner, get plenty of practice. Practice until it becomes natural for you.

Be aware of the dangers though.  Sometimes people will take damage because they’re too aroused to notice it or they like the sensations. In the usual BDSM they would say that you should not do or take any damage no matter how good it feels, but Primals tend to not always obey that rule. If the damage isn’t at the level that it would need medical attention, and you can live with the consequences, then it’s up to you what you will allow to happen to you.

Generally if a bite doesn’t tear anything or break the skin, and isn’t near a major blood vessel, many if not most Primals can take it if they are aroused enough. Scratches that break the skin are common, but again, watch those blood vessels. Various submission holds are also usually okay even though they hurt and would cause damage to bones or joints if someone doesn’t know what they are doing.

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My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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