As happens often when I acquire a new male admirer, when I notice the ways the predators that surround them (as they surround everyone in the world), I put my hands to the ground, and it shakes. Fender opened up to me about some issues he was having, and a gentle hell is breaking loose. I now understand why the bad boys have become boyscouts around me. Some people in his family have panicked because they understood the days of exploiting his kindness were numbered. It is partly because of his influence, and partly because of mine, but a good bit of it is that “thing”.
…and we haven’t even had sex yet.
For those of you who haven’t been reading me long, that “thing” is a kind of a vibration or aura around a couple or romantically connected group of powerful people. Sometimes the people aren’t even romantically connected in the conventional sense, but connected at that level of intensity…sort of like a pack of wolves. Individually, each is a force to be reckoned with. Combined, they seem unstoppable, or at least very dangerous.
His physical recovery has accelerated. He can now walk up and down a few stairs at a time, so long as there’s a rail or a shoulder nearby. His posture is a bit more straight. He’s also gaining a little weight. “The Force is strong in this one.”
Shai is happy that I’ve met someone, but he’s suspicious as always. I trust his instincts. Unfortunately, they have to give each other a wide berth because of Fender’s family and Shai’s former profession. I think if they could meet each other, they would probably not get along because both are a bit rigid in certain areas of mentality. I easily navigate the grey area, and they do too morally. It’s the cultural bridge that would be difficult to cross.
Shai is from a background that is umpteenth generation into a civil society. I’m maybe three generations, and Fender about the same. We’re used to working around the system, where Shai is used to working with the system, even if working around it from the inside. Honor is honor is honor, so that’s not the issue. It’s just that Fender’s honor is guerilla, where Shai’s is regimental. Both are enhanced and yet bound by their way in ways that are not always constructive. They’re strong, stubborn sons of strong, stubborn parents.
I think Shai is afraid that he’s going to lose me. He told me that his limit is that he doesn’t want to raise someone else’s children. I asked what he meant by that, since I won’t have kids without a father. He told me basically that if I want to have kids with someone, he won’t be with us. I fought the usual urge I get whenever someone shows me the eject button, when he said that. I believe that if there is a reason other than my sending someone away, that they would leave, then they should just go. I see him as part of my family…a part of me. If my brother had children, I would consider them my nieces and nephews. No matter how many times he changed wives or girlfriends, those kids would still be part of my family, and if something ever happened to my brother, they would then be my responsibility.
If Shai had kids with his girlfriend, I would consider those kids my family. If possible, I would want them and the girlfriend in the same home as myself. I would view them as like my own children…but I’m a woman. I feel he has a right to his limits, but if, and it’s a big IF I get with someone worth having kids with, then their needs will be a higher priority than his whims.
Fender is still new to me, and everybody seems great at first. Time will have to tell whether he’s going to be permanent. I don’t know at this point. The fact that he is on the serious track is what’s bringing up these issues and questions. I hope with all my heart that if things go well, and I do end up with Fender’s kids, they have an Uncle Shai, and not a mom’s-ex-husband.