Return of the Maque

Posted on March 11, 2012 at 5:13 pm by IronWynch

I had a very happy Purim.  Many important principles were confirmed for me.  I understand very well now, to question my motivation, but not my instincts.  My friends know the sordid details of my wild weekend already, which I’m not going to share with the rest of the world.  The stuff that other readers should know though is that I’m fine and so over Papa II that I’ve dropped the middle man in the getting my stuff back.  I sent him an SMS that he could bring it by whenever he has the chance.  He said he would, but then, he said a lot of things…

Again, much, much credit for my wellness has to go to the guys at the Chateau.  Aside of helping me to rediscover and improve my feminine side, they’ve made my masculine side a better “man” in crucial ways too.  In a strange sense, I think my inner “man” helps to heal my inner woman.  He certainly came in handy this past weekend.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to be basically forced to be vulnerable.  I admitted to the actual guy I wanted, to being horny, a bit desperate, and quite easy, though focussed on a particular target.  Remarkably (to me anyway) this did not result in immediate rejection or mistreatment as the night wore on.  My honesty was actually appreciated.

I have no idea what the results will be sexually or emotionally in the cold and sober light of day, but I’m optimistic.  I’m going to clean my room, shave every day just in case, and definitely not sit in my room waiting for the Dick Fairy to bless me or something.

In summary, I’ve gone from Rehab to Return of the Mack in one weekend.

…as soon as I recover from three nights in a row of drinking anyway.  I am so not looking forward to tomorrow’s workout.

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Dusting Off

Posted on March 4, 2012 at 11:17 pm by IronWynch

The recovery effort is going well so far.  I got the crap out of my system, did my crying, talked my friends’ ears off, went out and got drunk, and met some new guys.  One in particular will have a nice tale to tell his grandkids about the time he met a Black woman at a pub who asked if he thought his wife could kick her ass.

I also almost picked up another taxi driver, but that’s not going to go anywhere.  It was flattering though.  So my ego is repaired even though the betrayal still has me feeling like I swam in sewage for three months.

My heart is still on the floor though.  In all my life, nobody ever said all those things to me who didn’t mean it.  A few have loved me and tried to pretend they didn’t, and in hindsight, some may have pretended to love me but not said it because they knew they were just pretending…but nobody ever went beyond the “I love you” to the ways, reasons, and professions of undying love, who wasn’t serious.  This is all new stuff for me, and I have to admit to being a bit rattled by it.

Nobody in my life has ever held me close and whispered in my ear when I was crying, “You are safe with me,” and not been telling the truth.  I am not so pretty or so rich or so anything that anybody has ever felt the need to lie to me so badly.

I honestly don’t know what to do with this.  I don’t know what to do with the memories.  I don’t know really how to feel except angry and frightened.  I don’t know what to feel about him except hate because I can’t think of any reason he would do this to me except hate.

In time I suppose I will get past this as I’m pretty sure nothing like this will ever happen to me again.  Unless some halo has appeared over my head that makes me look like I’m 20 and that guys have to profess undying love to get into my pants because my vagina squirts ambrosia of the Gods or something, it is very unlikely someone would go this far just to crush me again.

It’s just…that this could ever happen to me once has me wondering if I’ve stepped into the Twilight Zone.  It’s just too weird.  It’s a nightmare.

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Video: Burning of the Lies

Posted on February 28, 2012 at 2:30 pm by IronWynch

In this video, I read the letters Papa II wrote me with his own hands, burn them, and then eat some of the ashes to own my half of the stupidity of it all.

As you hear the words, remember that I am not a young, hot chick a guy would need to lie to with such mushy words of lerve.

I believe that even though the Talmud isn’t quite as damning of non Jews as it’s often interpreted, primitive rabbis themselves do interpret it in the worst way.  They do not account for the between the lines sanctity of human life and extend customs around slavery and for self preservation at the time to all non Jews.  They essentially are or became the monsters anti semites paint them to be, and spread this monstrosity so deep into the culture here that the message that it is okay to lie to and deceive us, and is even a sort of “mitzvah” to harm us.

So a non Jewish woman is no safer in the hands of the average Jew as a non Arab woman in the hands of the average Arab or Druze here.  Each has their own infidel class that includes anyone who isn’t in their ethnic/religious category.

The difference between them is that Jews are less aware of how they’ve been programmed, so they don’t know that anything is wrong that they need to fight.  They will claim that they are not racists because “Jewish” is technically a religious designation, but they treat it like a race.  So what if technically, they are malignant xenophobes.  It’s a distinction without a difference.

I am more convinced than ever that if a non Jewish/Arab/Druze woman is thinking of living here, she should prepare to either suspend her romantic life, only date guys who were raised and educated outside Israel (read tourists and foreign workers), or simply not believe that a man loves her unless or until he invests something real in the relationship.

I have met Israeli men who don’t have the scratch on their brain and do right by their non Jewish girlfriends and wives, but just a handfull.  So they do exist.  I’m not saying it’s hopeless.

What I’m saying is “don’t bank on the exceptions”.

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