Disloyalty/Conscious Betrayal
Do I even have to say it?
Well, some of us can handle some small missteps. It depends how aligned they are with raccoon, bat, chameleon, snake, mouse type energy. Almost all animals, especially humans, use deception to some degree. Almost all social interaction or conversation has some elements of manipulation. There are lines though.
Some may enjoy a good game. Many reptilian oriented people I know enjoy wit and rough banter of the more clever sort than usual. This type sees certain things like a dance. There are couples who constantly prank one another. Most do have lines though.
Wherever the lines are, if you crossed one, you will have to, same as in the case of abandonment, work really hard to re-establish trust if you want back in. You may have to accept a change in position: a downgrade. Expect that you will be punished if you choose to stay. You will have to take enough responsibility for what you’ve done to accept the punishment.
I have seen this happen in some tribes, and I have seen it work. I have also seen some plans like this fail to work because the offender couldn’t take responsibility or the offended couldn’t get over it. In the latter case, the offender should understand that nobody owes them forgiveness.
A Primal person is going to be more forgiving on average, to a certain degree of human failure. We have to be or we could never be around “normal” people. We would not be able to forgive ourselves for some mistakes we made along the way trying to be “normal” or raging against whatever systems or limitations we hated. However, nobody should expect forgiveness or demand forgiveness.
One big mistake I’ve seen some tribes make is trying to get someone to forgive someone for messing up. When I see this happening, I counsel against it because it reminds me too much of the creepy way some religious people sweep things under the rug. No way that is okay. If someone was wronged and does not want to forgive the person who wronged or betrayed them, they should not be pressured to.
I would even go as far as to say one shouldn’t even persuade a fellow to forgive or overlook the disloyal tendencies of someone outside the tribe. Having a tribe kinda raises your bar. This is totally natural and acceptable. If someone doesn’t trust outsiders who behave a certain way, don’t accuse them of being paranoid or overly limited. Being Primal isn’t a club that is recruiting, at least not that I know of anyway. We don’t need to be overly tolerant.
So if you have messed up with a more wild dog, wolfy, seal, whale type, then expect their friends to rally around to protect them from you. You will have to prove yourself to them before you’ll get close to the one you screwed over.
You Went Too Deep
Sometimes it happens in a Primal or mixed relationship that someone goes a little too far and reveals a bit of darkness or weirdness that is too much for their partner. The freaked out partner goes distant and may or may not explain why. What do you do when you’ve said too much or gone too far?
Whatever you do, don’t turn it around on them or call them repressed or closed minded. As I’ve said before in my article on pegging, the other person is not obligated to agree with you about everything, or to participate in everything you like to do. If they are uncomfortable with an activity, don’t pressure them into it. Don’t blame them for what they don’t like. When you start playing the judgement game, it can work both ways.
If your partner is Primal, just not repeating the mistake may be enough. We will usually take whatever step back, space, or time needed, and there may be no need to talk about it deeply. If they do want to talk about it, then do, but if they don’t then don’t make them talk about it. Verbalizing certain feelings may be difficult, and some things can’t be easily articulated.
If your partner isn’t very Primal, expect a talk and maybe some being judged. It’s up to you how far you’ll let this go. Just understand that unless you pushed their known personal boundaries or broke consent, you don’t deserve too much harshness. Be aware that with women, some level of harshness is to be expected because sex is generally a scarier, more dangerous thing for us. Encourage a woman to be open about her feelings and her needs, especially when they concern safety, physical or emotional. You will learn important things about her that, if you intend to become her protector, will be valuable information both in and outside the bedroom.
With men, issues of emotional safety may pop up. Most young men in the west were not raised to address these issues as their moms’ femininity was fractured, and their dads had some degree of NMS. They either modeled themselves after a stereotypical macho persona, internalized a belief that they are monsters, embraced some fake new age style self hating masculinity that is a bad copy of femininity, or don’t know what the hell is going on inside them. Primal sex or even just talks with a Primal partner that go deep enough, are going to confuse and possibly offend them until they are given deeper thought.
It can seem very weird to the feminine person in the relationship that they could be pushing a masculine person’s limits by being feminine. This happens though. Some guys with unbalanced masculinity experience the feminine person’s natural physical and emotional gatekeeping and desire to nurture as pressure. What would draw a natural man closer makes them want to run away even though the natural woman is simply being herself.
If it’s like that, you’re a masculine person simply being a protector, provider, and penetrator, or if you’re a feminine person simply being a nurturer, manager, and receiver, and they have freaked out, try talking about it. In my experience, this doesn’t always help, but it’s worth a shot. Just be ready to hear or find out when they dump you that some people don’t want balance. Some masculine people want a feminine person trying to mock a masculine person, and some feminine people want a masculine person trying to mock a feminine person. Some guys who are willing to be providers don’t want to be protectors. They want to live in an emotionally flatlined relationship because this feels like safety to them. Some women don’t want a man to be their protector or provider. Some men failed them in the past or their femininity was shamed, and they reject any attempt to lighten their survival burden as an attempt to control them.
People suck sometimes, but sometimes it’s not so much about sucking as it is just having different needs. You can’t impose your model for a relationship on someone else. So if talking about it doesn’t work, and you can’t negotiate a way to treat each other that is sane for you, or they dump you because you’re freaking them out, just let it go. You have a core compatibility issue that is not going to be resolved any time soon. Maybe never.
(This article is a work in progress. Feel free to comment with ideas and advice.)
