Update May 26, 2023: DAMN I had internalized a lot of fatphobia back then. What’s weird to me about this looking back is that at this point I was already five years into needing a knee replacement, and just delaying because I figured if I lost some more weight I’d be fine.
I was so wrong. Aside of things getting worse with the deprivation required to create a calorie deficit while borderline hypothyroid, exercise was just grinding my knees further into gelatin.I was being way too hard on myself in a way that just wasn’t medically rational. I mean the external social issue was there, but I didn’t have to help other people make me feel bad.
But this is why I keep these old blog posts up. It helps me both to see where I’ve screwed myself, and how I supported inhumane systems by going along with and internalizing this crap. So if there were others around me going through similar things, I was little or no help because I myself was buying into the belief that my being fat was because of some deficiency in my character that character could solve. I mean it could if I was willing to harm myself more just for the sake of a look.
I’m pretty sure that if I had persisted in this thinking I’d be dead or at least very much more disabled by now. I definitely would not be walking at all.
Ease up on yourself.
Have the icecream.
Then go for a walk, not to burn the calories, but to get some sunshine and enjoy the sugar fueled boost.
Touch grass.
Especially in light of current events (Warren flaking), I am not going to have sex again until I am under 70 kg. Since the loss of my bitch shield (which wasn’t protecting me from anything anyway), I find myself feeling very humiliated by a guy flaking out on me.
It’s just so embarassing. I actually believed him when he said I was pretty. So a couple of days after the last time we saw each other, I told him I missed him. He replied that this was scary. I don’t think he realized he was saying that to the woman who wrote the non sociopathic Slut Rules. If a guy thinks you’re obsessive just for showing an interest, he thinks you’re fugly. The reason it scares him is the fear that you might do or say something in public and people will know he’s seeing a dog.
So on that note, I waited to see if that’s what he really thought or if he was joking. Almost 48 hours of no contact, and I have my answer. Problem is that I already made his birthday present:
It’s a kind of yin and yang but wave design, with a star ruby on the dark side, and a star sapphire on the light side.
He’s always telling me how unique I am, and that he’s never met anyone like me, so I pulled out the old stone collection for this one since I figured I should make him a gift that was unique.
I have no regrets, but this whole thing just kinda drives home the point I was trying to make about there being a discrepancy between who I am and how I look at this point. Until I look like me, I don’t feel right taking my clothes off in front of anyone in a sexual situation.
At the same time though, I can’t help but take it a little personally. I mean, this is a guy who knew me when I was much fatter, so it’s not like he doesn’t know I’m making progress. You’d think maybe he would string me along with a bit tighter string until I reached my goal. Whatever. What’s done is done. I’m backing off, and no longer initiating any contact ever unless someone is dead or at least bleeding.
Even if he does pull his head out of his ass, he’s taught me how to treat him, and that’s with caution. I hate it when guys make a girl have to save face. It’s like I’m his male friend with a vaginal, which is something I’m really tired of being.
Anyway, I was thinking I’d leave his gift at a pub we both sometimes go to, and if he doesn’t retrieve it, let whoever wants it have it. On further thought though, I might just give it to Kahuna. It’s the type of thing I know he’d like, since he’s a surfer.
There’s a side of me that wants to give Warren a chance to redeem himself, or at least get his birthday present, but on the other hand, I’ve lived in Israel long enough to know that’s probably not going to happen. He seemed different, but he is still under 40.
I’ll give it until his birthday (this Friday) to see what happens. After that, I’m not even thinking about anything romantic or sexual until I’ve got only 7 kg. to go. I am going to be hot for my age then, and guys will stop treating me like my feelings don’t matter because they’ll be able to see that I have options on sight. I have options now, but they just don’t know that because each of them thinks they invented Shamu shagging.
:: sigh ::
