Swirl: How Black Women Can Compete In a “Multicultural” Marriage Market

In light of the recent buzz on “swirling” (White man/Black woman interracial relationships), I’ve decided to post some tips from someone who’s been there.  Much like the cougar trend, it’s not really a trend.  It’s just something that has become more socially acceptable, and is receiving a fair bit of hype, but that most people wouldn’t (and most people probably shouldn’t) do.

The reason why most people wouldn’t are many, but they center around needs for familiarity and shared values, and aesthetic preferences, some rooted in evolutionary biology, and some culturally programmed.  In western and westernized cultures though, there is lots of ethnic diversity among people who are raised within the same main culture and social/socioeconomic hierarchy.  In the past, a Black postman was near the top of the heap.  Back then though, a Black woman who was a nurse was near the top of the heap careerwise.

Nowadays, there are many more Black engineers, scientists, business managers, and even a Black President.  Our sights are much higher now, and it’s not just a matter of whether or not a guy is “good” enough.  It’s whether or not a guy is in your socioeconomic class or peer group at all.  Add to this the issue of Black man/Non Black woman interethnic dating and marriage possibilities.  Many of the men at the top of the heap now, are opting to marry out, partly because of normal exposure and familiarity, and partly because, for reasons I’ve mentioned in other articles, fat is the Great Satan.  The most common reason though, is that they encountered a high quality or compatible woman of a different ethnicity before they encountered a high quality or compatible Black woman who was interested in them.

Since Black women suffer more than your average Anglo from the fake food and high carbohydrate situation, many of us are fat, ill, or well on our way to either condition.  A common problem among us is vitamin D-3 deficiency.  This can lead to all sorts of uglifying problems such as overweightness, joint problems that inhibit exercise, and skin problems.  We won’t even get into high blood pressure and heart disease, which is wiping out many Black women in their 40’s and 50’s.  It’s messed up that their looks and their lives could have been saved by things as easy as eating a can of mackerel more often.

Black men aren’t blind.  A man with options is going to choose from among his best options, not his worst.

So understanding how to compete in a multicultural market (how ever hostile it may be even to the healthiest and most beautiful of us) is important not just to those who are open to the swirl, but to those who want to get a high quality Black man as well.  A high quality Black man is usually looking for a high quality Black woman, and failing that, will date/marry out.

A high quality man of a different ethnicity who is geared more towards sexual variety is still usually looking for a high quality woman of the same ethnicity as himself for serious dating and marriage.  The only reason he would date a Black woman is if she is a better deal than he could get from his own ethnicity in a million years.  She has to be so special to him that he will withstand the possible negative effects being with a Black woman could have on his life.

Let’s talk about some of those negative effects.

Black people are promoted worldwide as the most criminal, most primitive, least intelligent, and yes, the ugliest people in the world.  Okay, so we’re strangely the coolest, and the hottest, but hey, the world is confused.  Forget that dirt poor, traumatized, war torn people in the Congo made violins out of African trees (on my wishlist by the way) so they could have a symphony orchestra because music soothes their souls.  We’re viewed as dirt people.

So a non Black man who dates or marries a Black woman is perceived as a fetishist on the level of a zooerast (animal shagger).  Forget that a great many non Black men who’ve married Black women are “rebel princes” from as close as they can get to top tier of their societies without having risk of their wife being murdered by their family to “cure” his “mental instability”.  Forget that most who do are middle class guys most women would be lucky to have.  Forget that most western women are overly entitled misandrists and that Black women are among the few visibly distinctive groups most likely to like balls in their men.  Their opinion is that the guy must be sick.

Then there is the jealousy that he will encounter from women of his ethnicity who view outsiders as “stealing our men”.  We have to deal with some of that ourselves, with Black women hating on non Black women who are with Black men.  Forget that women are much less likely to actively seek out variety, especially outside their ethnicity.  For many of them, marrying or dating a Black man means being disowned by their family.  After dating a Black man, men of their own ethnicity reject them as “tainted” if they find out about it.

Non Black women are more forgiving of men who’ve dated out, but once a non Black man actually marries a Black woman, that Black woman has taken him off the (marriage, maybe not sexual) market.  They treat it like a technically legal crime.

In fact, if you’re married to a White man, some White women will try to seduce him, not because they actually want him, but just to hurt you.  If your man is Asian, women of his ethnicity may insult you to your face.  I’ve been in situations where women have put themselves between me and my date as if I didn’t exist.  Sometimes they’ve asked me stupid questions like whether or not I’m his mother’s nurse or domestic.

Yeah…it’s dirty.

Then there are the possible professional consequences.  If he’s in a career where image is one of the most important factors in success, he may be “blackballed” for dating a woman of any other ethnicity.  There may be some advantage though, in some professions wherein a man’s machismo is very important.  In that case, being with a Black woman means he is very butch.

So you see, a non Black man has much to lose from dating a Black woman.  She’d better be worth it.

First, we’ll talk about being worth it.  This is the first priority since most people aren’t beauty queens or Mr. Universe.  Looks are a secondary issue, as evinced in plenty of guys being willing to date and marry women who, let’s just say, are not the most delicate flowers in the bouquet.  However, since mainstream beauty ideals are as denatured as mainstream nutrition, beauty is something that needs to be given its due.  You’ll need to know what’s uglifying you that you need to fix in order to be more naturally beautiful and therefore universally competitive with women at a similar level to yourself, across ethnicties.

Being Worth It

You must deprogram.  Lose your preconceived notions about men.  Lose your fear and hatred of masculinity in men.  Lose your fear and hatred of your own femininity.  By the same, you must also lose the tolerance of unmanly behavior in men, that has been programmed into you.

There are some things you need to know about men who are men and not just playing at being men, or broken shells of what could have been men were it not for feminist brainwashing.  I feel sorry for the broken, and wish to help them if I can, but when it comes to relationships, they are a bad bet.  If a guy doesn’t have the ability to pull it out, I’m not laying my reproductive organs on the sacrifical altar.  Fortunately, most men in the world are functioning and whole, despite what you may have heard.

Men want to take care of, provide for, and protect women and children.  They do not want a free ride.  They do not want to escape from responsibility.

Protectiveness is a necessary feature of male love. If they do not feel that, they don’t love you like a mate, but like a friend. Men will do a lot for a friend, especially one they are shagging, but there will be a failure to relate to you as a mate. Better you deal with that sooner than later.

Protectiveness will express itself as possessiveness. Get used to it. Get used to accounting for your time, and to being told who you may and may not associate with. Be thankful for this.

A man who is a man demands that you honor him even above your extended family. If this sounds offputting to you, have your dad explain it to you.

In exchange for protecting, providing for, and leading and taking care of the family, men want women to nurture and support them, take good care of the children, and manage his household well. I say “the” for the kids and “his” for the household because the kids belong to both of you, but the roof over you and the kids belongs to him.

Get over “doing it for ourselves” because this is an unnatural and uncivilized situation, and everybody non westernized knows it. Think like an African. If you (the woman) are making money, it should not be at the expense of the kids, and it is part of the “house” which he is the head of. You bring him the money for the same reason a soldier brings their country their life. If you got with a generous, protective man, he’ll let you keep some for yourself, and trust your womanly nesting tendencies to keep him in check.  You may even be the one who gets to do the bills.

However, for the same reason a soldier doesn’t decide that he/she personally owns whatever patch of land he fought to conquer, you don’t become the head of the household just because you are adding to the family’s income.

Second, you must be aware of the stereotypes as well as misinterpreted truths about Black women.

We are not sluttier. We’re just not as dependent on paperwork for commitment. We are also trained due to bad circumstances to tolerate partner loss. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. A dominant man who has heard the stereotypes may quiz you a little directly or indirectly. This is a good time to explain that this is a cultural difference, and that if he’s outside your culture, he’s not part of that cultural trust. If he has spent enough time with Black families (not just one or two Black friends) to have become an unofficially adopted “brother of another color”, or his culture has similar rules, he’ll step up (how and why, mentioned later).

We are not more masculine. Well, we’re not more masculine than our men or men of sturdier ethnicities. We’re just physically stronger and have more endurance and practical sensibilities than women of less sturdy ethnicities. For this reason, less sturdy men, though actually stronger than us, have a difficult time recognizing our femininity because the strength and often size differential is not as stark.

We are not more independent. We need men just as much as any other women. In fact, because of various possibly social and possibly genetic factors, we need our men to be more man than most men. Our men need to be dominant and/or independent enough to resist the influence of a spreading culture that seems to hate everything that we are. So many of us have gone too far to conform to feminist theory thinking that this would make us more mainstream and therefore more sought after, but this was the wrong way to go because dominant men don’t go for dominant women. We’ve alienated the men who we need the most.

In light of the stereotypes, you’ll need to learn to tell the difference between guys of your own and other ethnicities who are looking to be your “friend with benefits”, and looking to be your man.

To do this you must behave as feminine as you really are, not as masculine as you thought you had to be.

Have some manners. If your mom drank the koolade, go to some older, southern woman for lessons in etiquitte and the proper way to conduct yourself in male company. You will also need lessons on how you are supposed to behave around White men. Believe it or not, this is very important today, though for different reasons than the past. It’s that cultural trust thing. Non Black men must have a line in the sand to have to cross. Those who are not dominant or independent to cross it will not. The wall of the past is the window of the present.

Let men be the man, and silently refuse to lead or escalate. Like a comedian dying on stage, the fwb’s and sexual tourists will die in front of you because they won’t know how to escalate.

Globalizing Your Physical Beauty

Weight is an important issue because size differential is an important factor in a man’s recognition of your femininity. They also factor to a large degree, into sexual compatibility. In most men, the ideals and norms of their culture come into play, but for dominant and independent men, their own size and level of strength will be the main issue.

Guys from families or ethnicities with less lower body strength and agility will be less tolerant of heaviness in women, but this is a secondary issue. Because Africans (especially mixed with Native American) have high lower body strength relative to many other European ethnicities, you may not be sexually compatible with most White men, even if they like you. That’s just a hard reality.

So look at the legs and butt, and watch how he moves and dances. If a guy doesn’t have a perky behind and strong legs, he needs a woman with a completely flat tummy and a fairly flat butt to angle himself well enough in missionary or flat doggy style.

In order to be attractive to those with less lower body strength and agility, you will need to be slim. It may not help you a whole lot if you have a bubble butt. With a flatter tummy however, you won’t need a guy to be a footballer or acrobat to get the job done.

To lose weight, eat like an African. Eat only natural food. If it wasn’t food 300 years ago, it’s not food now. Cut your carbohydrate intake to about 100 grams a day. Eat mostly meat, vegetables, fermented dairy, eggs, and nuts. Any starches or grains should be naturally fermented or parched before cooking. Stay completely away from white sugar or high fructose corn syrup. Go walking at least 3 km. six days per week. Walk briskly, but don’t try to “feel the burn”. Stress makes women gain weight because our natural appetite triggers adjust for crisis mode. Because of this, you may, if you like, have a day when you take a break from your diet every two weeks or once a month. That should be the only time you drink alcohol if at all. Wine may be good for others, but as African women, our livers were not made for that. Leave the drinking to the men most of the time.

Get your vitamin D-3 levels tested, and if you are deficient, supplement and spend a bit more time in the sun. Drink enough water, and avoid carbonated drinks.


Do not chemically relax your hair. If you have to have it straight, use a flat iron or heat setting. Don’t be obsessive about this. Only straighten it when needed, for going out. Let your hair rest by braiding it loosely on normal days, and wrapping it into a silk scarf at night.

If you choose to go totally natural, you should have well maintained cornrows, braids, non dreadful dreadlocks, or a nice soft afro. You should not look like a ragamuffin.

At some point in your dreadlock journey, your hair may be too long and heavy to have much “body” and frame your face well. Tie it up and let it fall around your face or put it into a nice updo.

As far as color, blondes do have more fun, but don’t take that too far. If you’re darker skinned, go for a deep walnut brown with perhaps some bronze highlights. Don’t go superblonde unless you’re very light skinned.


The natural African diet should take care of your skin problems, if you have any. All sorts of problems from dandruff to rashes can come from an improper diet with too high blood sugar. For the external bit, throw away your lotions and creams that contain alcohol. Use shea butter, olive oil, sunflower oil, and mineral oil, or a mixture of them, even on your face.

Wash your face with plain, lukewarm water, but once a week use an exfoliating wash or a 10% solution of lemon juice or vinegar and water.

Wear eyeliner, eyeshadow, and lipstick, but go easy on or skip the blush and foundation. When you have dark skin, you need your natural blushing, perspiration, or stress pallor unobstructed for lighter skinned people to be able to read your expressions fully.

Lipstick should not be lighter than you are. Pale lips are not pretty. Ignore the trends and avoid the Buckwheat look.


Don’t wear trendy scents. Take the time to get a special or custom perfume or oil. As an “exotic” woman, you should smell so too.

Another good reason to be on a natural African diet is that men can smell your metabolic fitness. If you eat sugar, you smell more yeasty and dank than a woman who avoids sugar. If you starve yourself though, you’ll smell like death. Your body won’t have the immunity to fight various bacteria that are naturally occuring and okay in small numbers, but wreak when they’re overgrown.

Speaking of fungus and bacteria, you must absolutely have good hygiene. Showering in the morning is not enough. You must clean your bits with water whenever you use the bathroom. If a bidet is not available, baby wipes will get you by. A couple of times a day though, if possible, you should have had a good spritz.

For cleanliness, you must also shave. Africans have a long tradition of hair removal, and where they don’t, people don’t generally grow much body hair. That ought to tell you something. Apparently, the brothers preferred women who weren’t hairy. It may have been an adaptation to reduce parasites or be able to see if something was wrong with or clinging to the skin.

To keep friction down in shaven areas, don’t use powder. It clogs the pores and dries the skin out. Use vaseline, baby oil, shea butter, or baby cream with zinc oxide.


Dress feminine and for your size. You should also dress modestly, but not in tents unless they are African caftans, galabeya, or balloon dresses. In the warmer months, wear dresses and skirts, never pants. In cool weather, wear long skirts or dresses and rights. In very cold weather, wear flattering jeans or slacks with blouses or long tunics. If you must wear t-shirts, make them girly ones, or dress them up with a scarf or sash.


Learn to dance with a man. Touch is a language, and how you dance says a lot about the kind of woman you are, that you may not be able to articulate with words. Letting a man lead, and trusting him is important. In individual dancing in clubs, do not get too suggestive. I know it’s tempting to show off, but there is such a thing as too much. Look around you to see what sort of scene you’re in, and dance better, not sexier than the women around you.

In private or a class though, learn to belly dance. While you’re at it, watch some soukous videos and learn to move like that. Belly dance is good for the core and enhances everything about being a woman. It will help to cinch your waist better than anybody’s crunches, and it’ll also make your periods and childbirth easier.

In summary, if you want to be able to compete in the market with skinny White girls, you have to have something they don’t have so much of these days: womanhood.

Be the kind of woman even guys who don’t like Black women, wish their women were like.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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