For the past year or so, I’ve been adjusting to my retirement. It has not been easy, but some of the calming has been forced in a way. Some of it is from the outside because of the war. Most people in the circles I traveled don’t want to do business with anyone in Israel, even if it’s me. A few understand my situation, but not enough to make a living from building sites, readings, and spiritual guidance. It’s alright because this war, like all wars, is a mess. The other bit of force is from within: I started treatment for my PTSD.
People out there who know me are probably like, “What took you so long?” Like many, I thought I could just handle it with willpower. I didn’t have a dramatic wake-up moment. It was more like a collection of incidents that convinced me that I was getting worse, not better. I was anxious most of the time that I wasn’t actively meditating, and wasn’t sleeping well. After doing some due diligence on the benefits and risks, I opted to take the drugs.
I’m not going to say which ones I’m on because this is not an ad. People who know me well enough for private chat know. I will say though, that it was a good thing to have a psychiatrist who actually listens and started me at an appropriate dosage and combination instead of going full zombie out of the gate. He also took me off the SSRI in the bunch when there were side effects.
Meanwhile, I was surprised to find out that some of the content I’d taken down in the retirement was missed. Apparently not everything had been stolen and reposted. So I’ve listened to the feedback, and posted some of the Orisha recipes on Zindoki.com where they can sit for reference if needed.
I haven’t updated Study House in awhile because I haven’t had the time to watch the videos. Admittedly, they are difficult for me because of the PTSD. Logically, there is just as much dysfunction in the ATR community as there is in Christianity. Humans human. Still, it’s difficult. So I have to mentally prepare myself to get through it, and turn off the voice in my head reminding me of the history of YHWH in the context of the pantheon of Levantine deities.
When I have the time, I’ll get through it though. I love my parents, and am happy that their version of Christianity is at least biblically sound. I do wish they would watch Esoterica, but this would blow their minds. I’m not sure if they’re ready for the option of accepting the history, and being okay with the idea that they are being arbitrary, and this itself being okay. It’s too important to them to be right and not just okay. Being okay and being okay with other belief systems would be too much.
Anyway, happy holidays, whichever ones you’re celebrating this time of year. I’m preparing myself for the Yemaya ebbo and Ancestors week. Feel free to leave a comment or hit me up on Mastodon.
