Ah So Close (But No Cigar)

Heheheh. I got the text from the Kracken that he “might” not be able to visit, which means he won’t be visiting. Not that I was holding my breath for this or anything, but as a friend, had I been watching him do this with a different woman, I’d be like, “Well dude, it looks like you didn’t really want her that bad.”

Okay, that may or may not be true. A pattern that I’m noticing in a lot of Israeli men who are intelligent relatively free thinkers is that they get so used to being alone that they start to prefer it. Shai was like that to some degree, but he’s asexual, so his reasoning is a bit different. He’s still very physically expressive and recognizes and owns his need for touch. He is however, very self contained in a way.

What I’m seeing in others though is that they want the benefits of having a partner and being loved. They just don’t want to do anything about it. They seem perfectly content to talk, masturbate, and think about someone, and have no drive to make physical contact. Very likely circumcision has something to do with that. A vagina can’t do what a hand can do for a circumcised man who hasn’t taken very good care of his penis. Apparently here the aftercare is a little petroleum jelly for a couple of weeks and they aren’t taught to do anything but wash it thereafter. So a lot of boys have pain for months to years before they even know why they are in that pain. Physical contact with the diaper is pain. Peeing is pain. Diaper changes are torture, and so on. Later down the road, sex may be painful whether or not they can relate to the actual pain. If it’s not painful, then it may be like an intact guy trying to have sex with a leather sock saturated with a mild vinegar over his parts.

So the physical act is not as pleasurable to them as the idea of sex. I have tried to help some of them by teaching them how to care for themselves properly, but by the time they hit their late teens to early 20’s, it’s too late for most of them psychologically. Maybe a third of my male friends I’ve talked to about this improved, and they’re all Russian or in that general group labeled as such here. Cultural differences in how people process trauma and own their healing I suppose.

The Kracken is not Russian. It’s okay though because I let go of the idea of anything more than his previous admiration from afar, a long time ago. It’s a shame; a waste, but that’s his life and his business. As a friend, I just hope he’ll be honest with himself about it. I’m not sure if that’s something one can change, but they will have an easier time in relationships if they own it. The simple solution is then to find someone who also doesn’t need or want physical contact.

I am not the one.

Living out as Primal, demisexual, polyamorous, and bisexual transhuman makes my life much easier than trying to hide or downplay any of those aspects of myself. If someone isn’t down with this then no hard feelings, but they’re not for me. The last remaining detectable codependent habit of over tolerance for incompatibility dying with the Second to Last and confirmed with the Last made things even easier still. As opposed to trying to figure out how to make it work with someone who doesn’t want or value what I have to offer, I can just say tough break and move on.

To be honest, having friends who get me me does suck the pain out of such goodbyes. It’s not all self generated healing here. As ideal as it may seem to be completely emotionally independent, that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t accept help or feedback when it is there. I’m not the only one who has noticed this pattern of guys getting broken and preferring to love from their chair. It’s something a bit more complicated than the normalized lack of will to invest in a woman. It has the gravity of a sexual orientation, so there’s nothing one can really do to convince a guy to get out of his chair. That’s where he’s comfortable.

With a man who isn’t sure if you’re worth investing in, if you know what he wants as a return on his investment, you can negotiate or decline. In some cases it’s not about what you’re worth but what kind of dangers lurk behind your smile. You can work with that by building trust. If a dude is chair-sexual though, they know what you’re worth. That’s not the problem. The problem is that they have an aversion to contact for some reason. It could be physical problem with circumcision, some other trauma that made them avoidant, or any number of things, but nothing will get them out of their chair. They could find a good woman who loves them, but they will go back to the chair. If they can’t maneuver her into a position of being able to hold a relationship from their chair, they will dump her for someone they can have that kind of relationship with.

On the surface, that’s what Last looked like, but when he tried that manipulation of Diva, I figured out this is just boring old toxicity. He loves me in his way, but he doesn’t allow himself to own it. I am betting that it is because he has goals that are not compatible with staying in Israel, and I would be inconvenient. The Kracken on the other hand, left here long ago, and doesn’t need a woman for that, and does own his feelings for me, but just can’t get out of his chair.

He can stay there. As I’ve said before, my circle is complete. Even if it should ever not be, the world is full of guys who can get out of their chairs. I don’t mind being admired from afar. It runs no risk of disease or drama. I just wish my admirers would send money. Then I could afford to be more entertaining. If someone enjoys me rambling about life in Israel, they’d love me rambling about Prague or Ghana.

Not holding my breath for my Paypal to blow up, but a girl can dream.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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