The Phase

I don’t know if this is true for other people, but when I’m hot for someone, it’s something closer to being hot about someone. I have a fantasy life, but it is very far out, barely human, and not that sexual either. Even in my writing, I am mostly crafting the sex scenes based on how I think the people would plausibly shag or connect how ever their species does it. During sex, if I do fantasize at all, it’s not really about sex then either, but the sex is kind of a proxy for some other bonding experience, like the Falcor or I think it’s more accurately Pucha situation.

One of the reasons I was considered pretty good at dark erotica was likely because I have been in so many fights and had to battle actual homicidal urges while in the moment. I can stretch my mind, but at the base, something has to be real. So I can’t nurture a delusion but so far. Having been on the receiving end of a fair amount of aggression, I wouldn’t be able to convince myself that it was an attractive idea to get involved with anyone overly criminal, overly violent, or overly stupid.

Nobody is perfect, and in addition, there needs to be a sort of balance. Once someone gets the idea that they should be some brand of ideal, there is the question of which brand of ideal. I have never seen of heard of any brand of ideal that wasn’t anti life. They all lead to self destruction, but taking others down with them. It’s like a cancer. Cells are supposed to divide and die with some regularity. An imbalance in the cycle, and there’s either necrosis or tumors.

Worse, there are the blind spots someone living on the planet Earth but behaving or forcing a mentality on themselves appropriate for a fantasy world where nobody poops or something, inevitably acquires. The unfortunate truth that I’ve had to face recently is that the “good guys” often idealize the Nopoopian version of themselves they wish they were, and seek a sort of reflection of this in the women they fall in love with. If someone is young and pretends to be innocent or naive, and excuses whatever is totally wrong in her life with some story of persecution by others, and whatever is psychotic in her with being so in love with them, they will fall for it.

Moths to the flame…

Well, there’s just one problem. I was raised by a man who was good but not stupid, definitely not Nopoopian despite being very aggressively Christian, and was not just passively accepting, but heroic in defense of what and who he loved despite whatever flaws. In addition to this, I married one like this.

I am spoiled, I know.

Worse, during that 11 year experiment during which I was dating against my orientation, I didn’t really take the time to get to find out if a guy was Nopoopian before liking him.

I thought I knew Red Lightning well enough to say…but alas, I was wrong. He is walking into some stupid, and I gave him some advice that he is probably not going to take. So I’m in the position of watching a slow motion train wreck.

Right now, I am trying to not give a fuck. Just let him make the mistake. It has nothing to do with me. He’ll do the stupid thing and get hurt, and then he’ll be back…but damaged.

Can I handle this?

My history of handling these things is not so good. I lost my second love in Israel to a baby mama. He was a good guy who had been good to her and her son, but she was emotionally abusive. He had managed however, to keep a safe enough distance that even people very close to him had no idea who she was. His mom hated her…and as it turns out, for good reason.

Anyway, a few weeks after we started seeing each other, they got together to do it one more time for old times’ sake, and she got pregnant. So that was the end of us.

A couple of years later, we met and I got an earful of exactly what I was expecting, with a bonus of her neglecting his mother who had become ill. I was angry, but there was nothing I could do. This was the life he had chosen…to not just claim the baby, but to marry this harpy.

I could have stayed in touch and been the shoulder he cried on, and the bosom he cuddled in for comfort, and maybe even the caretaker of not my mother in law…but we haven’t spoken since because I am not a sucker. Also, when someone walks away from me, they chose not to have me in their life, and I’m all about freedom of choice and consequences of choices.

I am paying for the mistake of loving them. They can pay for the mistake of losing me.

I can hope Red Lightning doesn’t make that mistake while he’s making others. We’ll see. I’ve braced myself to hear how in love he is with this new angelic being who will do psychotic things to keep him, but is somehow sweet and innocent and would never do him wrong.

…and how suddenly he thinks he can be monogamous and that we should end this so they can sail off into the sunset or whatever.

I hope that’s not how he chooses to do this, but well…I’m old and socially inconvenient, and I poop.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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