Lessons Learned

A few years into staring into the abyss, I’ve learned a lot that has disturbed me, but helped me greatly.  Now I understand things that confused me before…mostly things I used to take personally, but then realized were “just business” or rather just biology.

I’m tapering off my exposure because most of it is kind of sad and pointless except as venting.  Don’t get me wrong, men should vent.  It’s just that women shouldn’t get into the habit of listening to them do it.  It’s the thing Buddha’s teacher said about being so detached and into spirituality (or philosophy) that one ceases to be any practical good.  Men should be allowed their mystique because the woman who no longer has any awe of manhood loses some of what’s awesome about womanhood.

At ground level though, I’ve noticed that even though I have no moral issues about being a platonically married woman having sexual relations with men in similar situations or older bachelors, I’ve been doing everything in my power to avoid having sex.  Opportunities abound, but I always find a reason not to.

To be really honest, it’s because I’m afraid.  Now that I know how men see me, and how little they appreciate decent women who are willing to have sex with and love them, I just can’t bring myself to get naked in front of anyone.  It’s not just because of what I’ve read online.  It’s because of real life experience.  The online stuff just provided the whys, but men I’ve encountered offline have done all the what.

I’m not saying that there are no men out there who could love me.  I did manage to find one.  However, I’m thinking that I should just get used to the idea of being celibate for the rest of my life, and thank the Lord for the few years of great sex I did manage to have.

No other men I’ve encountered thusfar have shown me that they think I’m worth anything.  Now, as charismatic and visible as I tend to be, it’s hard for me to imagine what it must be like for a shy girl whose looks are about at my level or the levels I’ve been at in the course of my life.

In the context of western culture, most of what us plain girls are doing by being on the market is handling the excess.  Not all guys get a chance with the hot girls, so they just use us while they’re waiting for the unicorn (hot chick with a heart of gold).  They resent us.  After they have sex with us, they hate themselves.

They hate themselves because they couldn’t land a hotter girl.  The reason for this is not that men are shallow, but that women have basically reduced their value to their looks and sexual availability.  If a guy didn’t have a good mother who actually mothered him, he’s not going to know to look for a woman who would be a good mother, or value this more than whether or not she’s as hot as the girls he’s used to looking at while he masturbates.

Art depicting the ideal female forms has been around since there was art, but only recently did it become important for women to actually look like that.  It’s because while in the past, people enjoyed beauty, function was important too.  A good wife and mother handling her business was a matter of life and death and social status.  Now, in the disposable culture, even men are becoming hypergamous.  When their current wife or girlfriend’s status (looks) reduce, it’s okay to trade her in for a higher status (younger, better looking) woman.

So now that my own status is “looks pretty good for her age”, I believe there is little hope of me finding another man who values me as more than a platonic friend.  The only reason my legal husband did is because he’s an extremely independent thinker, and those are rare…very rare.

It’s a chilling thought, that in order for a plain girl in today’s world to get a man who doesn’t think less of himself for being with her, she has to hope against hope that she’ll encounter an extremely independent thinker.  Liking decent women used to be normal.

I don’t know if it will ever be normal again.  I do know that it isn’t now.  So why should I beat my head against a wall?  It’s insane.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.


  1. Hi Nicole!

    Don’t go just yet, the fun’s just getting started! Please come on over and drop me a line, I’d really like to know what you think:


    And hit me up via email when you get a chance. Thanks!


  2. You’ve a good eye for spotting quirks in the way Roissy et al apply the tricks of salesmanship to seduction. And you’ve the talent to write well about it.

    Of course if you’re suffering actual damage from reading it, quit. Quit for good. But if it’s just that the boys club is a little icky for now. . .

  3. In my age cohort, things are a bit different. The more look around I do notice that there are guys who gun out of their league and set themselves up for sexual failure as a result. But I also see a lot of average/plain girls with boyfriends. So long as she is ‘feminine’ and doesn’t think sex/flirtation with a playboy type means he wants a serious and fulfilling LTR.

    I do see a lot of highly attractive people not getting together. The reason, to me is obvious. Highly attractive women want to leverage there looks to get a highly attractive mate where as the HA males have many willing women at their disposal. For the men its like “why rrestict myself to one “10” when I can have a variety of 8s 7s and below?”

    Despite claims to the contrary this “male hypergamy” of which you speak is real. Im taking an evolutionary psych class with David Buss and he said it himself. This modern age of Playboy, Maxim, porn, mass media ect. his distorting men (and women’s) views of what they can get on the SMP. Simply put, excessive exposure to images of digitally perfected women distorts what men think they have access to. Also, men do chose women according to what their peers think.

    Well this is turning into a rant now so I will spare you, Nicole.

    Take Care,

  4. Bruce, I think it’s the icky thing. Maybe I’m having a sort of delayed experiencing of emotional gaps that went unfilled due to lack of a balanced environment outside of home. It really does make a difference to have social backup. Most of us didn’t have that growing up in my generation, and it’s even worse for the 20-somethings and teens now. As independent a thinker as I may be, it’s impossible to pull feedback out of nowhere.

    Zaire, I hear you well and share your sentiments. I don’t really know of a solution for society at large that won’t take a couple of decades to set in, but I will remind you that you are very fortunate to be the female on the end of this. Even I’m lucky, and I’m old.

    We have a much better chance, being aware women, to find an aware man than aware men have of finding an aware woman. Men tend to be more independent thinkers overall. Even the crappily contexted statistics about boys and ADHD and the new “ODD” (oppositional defiant “disorder”) attest to that.

    Despite their numbers being *relatively* low, proportionally, we’re swimming in a selection of the most mantastic males in the western world. Since you’re young, I’d recommend scanning some of the man positive sites for someone in your age range. I know they’re not a matchmaking service, but I think many of them would be thrilled to get some email from a girl with some damned sense.

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  • You’ve read the article, now get the t-shirt! :-D