I didn’t want to say much about it until things were stable, but I have some incredible news. Shai and I are now a couple again…a kinky one, but a couple. I have to get back on the pill for awhile because of it, but it’s a small price to pay. I only have a few years of fertility left anyway, and well, if I have a heart attack at 45, it’s okay because I’ll die happy.
Since I’ve been on the natural, nutrient dense diet, many things have changed. I’ve returned to my old self, I’m losing weight slowly but surely, and my attitude is solidifying into a consistent Big Mama-ness in accordance with my age.
So when the time came that I could deal with things I’d put on the backburner, I basically gave Shai a report of the things I learned “out there” in Israel. When we were deciding what to do about our relationship going platonic, I got some bad advice from him: find someone younger. I don’t think he understood his own uniqueness, or what was wrong with him or with me at the time.
Five years down the road, we understand now that he did go through a change, and it is normal, but that it didn’t mean what we thought it did. He’s had some time to think and figure himself out, so when I spoke to him about what I was going through, he told me what he was going through. Some of the factors that came into play then aren’t there now, so the main problem has been solved. Now we just have to iron out the details, like sleeping arrangements.
He lets the cats in his bed. I can’t have cats in the bed. So if I move back into his room, we have to keep the cats out of there. Each of our stuff has also spread out a bit, so even if I do sleep in his room, I’m keeping my room as an office and backup for when his subs visit.
I’m not rushing into things. I know how I am, and that it’s never easy for me to do any kind of back tracking. However, this is a special case since we’re not talking about someone who doesn’t love me or took me for granted. He’s just a formerly tired, retired cop who took awhile to get his life back. Apparently, the Bibi budget took a lot more out of him than he realized. Because things did get worse, he realizes now that he escaped just in time.
We still have some work to do about getting us back in sync, but now he’s much more open to what it’ll take on his end. Part of that came with realizing the toll experiences with other people can take on one’s sexual development. In order to have relationships, we often have to rearrange our priorities in ways that are, for us, a bit twisted. We have to learn to separate sex from love even though sex is an expression of love. We have to learn to not express love towards people who don’t or can’t reciprocate because those people don’t love, just find people useful and attach for practical reasons. We have to wear masks and chop our behavioral profile into little pieces, but since we can’t do the same internally, it eats at us. It’s like walking around with one hand tied behind your back. You get used to it, and that hand atrophies.
Our sexual relationship short circuited mainly because we were both fragmented. Now we’re in the process of defragmentation.