Goodbye is Goodbye

notaplace4cowardsAnother thing that became very clear to me after the last relationship is that, right or wrong, the first time a guy dumps me or does something I consider irredeemable (like threaten me or my loved ones), I start to hate him.  I may still love him in a way, but it is as if every fiber of my being begins to do its best to process him out of my life as quickly as possible.

Yes, a lot of the fault is mine.  I should be more honest with dudes about this in a way that they can understand that I’m not bullshitting.  Indeed, I do warn every man I become involved with that there is no way back for them once they have dumped me, but for some reason they don’t believe me until something happens.  Even then, they still don’t remember the warnings, and that even if I do take them back, the road to me trusting them ever again will be long and difficult…and if they screw up while on probation, I go into war mode.

I have PTSD.

There.  I’ve said it.

The world doesn’t need the whole story, but suffice to say,  though most of the men in my life have been great, a few bad ones donated sufficient hell to make me cautious.  One of them got me pregnant and then abandoned me, and a couple of months later, I had a bad miscarriage.

When I say bad, I mean laying on a GYN’s table bleeding out so bad that I had blood in my hair and then died for a few minutes.

So every guy I meet is potentially Death on a stick to me.

Everything is fine, and I can put up with a lot unless or until they leave once.  Then they are no longer potentially Death.  In my mind, they want to kill me.  They are the enemy.

Understanding that this is highly irrational, as far as their intent is concerned, I have tried to soften on my “no back tracking” rule, but every time I have, they eventually dumped me again.  So I’m keeping this one.

I don’t necessarily have to harbor hatred for them, but once a guy leaves once, especially if it’s over something petty, or because they don’t feel like putting in the effort to earn my trust, I’m just closing the door.  Dudes here in Israel like to play that game of leaving and then convincing you to take them back.  I am not down with that game.

So if you’re out there, and you’ve ever neglected me or left me, even if I am nice to you, there is no way back for you.  I’ll let you think you have a chance, if it amuses me, but you’re trying to get through the ring of fire on the wrong horse.

If there is a way back (I don’t know because it has never been done), it is to rebuild the trust that has been destroyed by the leaving.  I don’t honestly know how someone could do that except sticking with me and not giving up ever again, no matter what reaction I have to being abandoned the first time.

One would have to accept that I am a little cracked, if one considers it cracked, in that I see a guy who has left me and returns, as an assassin attempting to infiltrate my bed.  It will take awhile before I can even consider him safe again, much less worthy to be called my mate.  I don’t even indulge treacherous friends, much less boyfriends.

At this point in my life, I’m strongly considering not having relationships at all, except the platonic one I have with my legal husband.  If they are all just going to leave for stupid, petty reasons, I don’t need them hogging time and energy that could be better spent on my mission and my art, and making money.  Why do I need the headache?


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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