When I say I’m in love with you I mean I love being your mystery, your riddle, being what keeps you up at night, your obsession. I love being your altar, your sacrament, your icon, your miracle. I love being your answer. I love being the object of your sacrifice. I love being your pain.
via A Narcissist’s Love Letter | Thought Catalog.
When a narcissist says, “I love you,” what they really mean is, “I find you useful at the moment,” or, “You give me the energy I crave.” They don’t really view your wellbeing as important as their convenience or desire for whatever it is they want at the moment.
I believe that many women get caught up in this sort of relationship for years as opposed to weeks or months, because of the Hollywood “swept off your feet” ideals being promoted as what love should be like. Add that to the cultural narcissism of nobody taking responsibility for anything, and you have women actually seeking to disappear in someone.
Men get caught up because of their instinctive desire to be self sacrificing protectors (when they are not broken). Because many today have been programmed to accept a whole lot of lack of responsibility, courtesy, and morality in women, they could mistake a female narcissist for a somewhat more emotionally volatile than average woman, as opposed to the monstrosity that she is.
There is no way to avoid being deceived if someone is good at it, but like I always say, evil is not creative. It only has one end, and that is destruction. So as soon as the person you’re with starts degrading you, trying to isolate you, killing your dreams, etc. you have to get away. Everybody has their moments, but if the person does these things repeatedly, there is a problem there.
It sounds like an old cliche, but it is really true that you have to be happy and whole yourself first. If you are not, then your love for the illusion the narcissist pretended to be, will keep you bound to them longer than you should be. Your desire to placate and please them may lead you to give them more trust than they deserve, which is none.
Being a whole, happy person may not assure that you find a true romantic love, but it will certainly protect you from being eaten up by a monster. Never be desperate enough for love to take someone’s shit.
Hi. This article is one of the pegs on my wall of get the hell out.. NOW. However, there’s another board. I call call it the “there’s help” board. Not too many pegs there. But lots on the “get the hell out” board.
I’m married to someone who has referred to me several times as narcissistic. Not having much experience with such people, and trusting her word, I’ve often considered the possibility that she’s absolutely right.
At the same time, she gets angry, and has been verbally and physically violent with me for suggesting she try something different from what she was doing.
We have 2 kids together. I find it interesting to see how she has used the “for the kids” excuse many times for spending money.. especially on stuff they didn’t need.
Quick to point out all that she does, and subsequently that I don’t do… brings me into that “never enough” feel… as I start to avoid her even more.
Am I wrong? Is it possible that she’s not narcissistic? We’ve had arguments that also get physical on her part and forcibly keeping me involved. even if by incorrectly accusing me of wanting to go see my “lover” which for the initial 7 years of our marriage (before I moved out the second time) did not exist.
Please share your thoughts.
Thank you,
KOH
Narcissists and borderlines may seem like monsters, but they’re not monsters. They’re human. Like anyone with a personality disorder, they have a disorder, not a choice in being who they are. Where they do have a choice though, is in whether or not they get help and try to manage their problem. That’s where the line should be drawn.
When you stay with one beyond the initial phase of understanding they are toxic, you become a willing part of that dynamic. So since you’re there, and you don’t want to further wreck the kids’ lives, the answer is obviously to get help. Both of you need to see counselors who are specialists in personality disorders and codependents.
Be advised that so long as you don’t get help, you are teaching the children that what is going on between you is good or normal. So do get help. Do that for the kids.
Just try to get counselors who are men’s rights aware. Otherwise, you are just signing up for being brainwashed about how everything you do is wrong and everything she does is right. Follow this link: Shrink4Men