Absolute 0
Related to emotional safety, you have to learn how to leave. The level of aggression in the breakup or phase out has to be calibrated so that you don’t do undue damage to yourself and others.
As Primals, just like we can take a lot physically, we can take a lot emotionally too, but there are some lines. You can decide where these are for yourself, but I’m just going to share some things from my experience and observations.
We feel things very intensely, though we are usually aware that we feel things intensely, and that the rest of the world has a different gauge. We know, if we’ve had some guidance and experience, when it’s just the hormones talking, and when our higher will is talking. Ego isn’t a bad or scary thing for us. Id isn’t a bad or scary thing. It’s just that these things need to be kept in check. Sometimes there will be tradeoffs.
There are limits for very casual partners (who may be considered prey) and limits for pets and limits for mates. However, some things are dealbreakers or emotional abuses that should not be ignored no matter what someone’s function is in your life. There is certain shit that we don’t need and that is dangerous for us.
Everything hurts. It’s not just that you hit a sensitive spot. The kissing hurts. The touching hurts. Nothing you can do is good for them. This means either they are way too oversensitive to continue or they are playing some sort of game. Some people like to pursue aggressive or Primal partners, but then at the moment of truth they try to tame or cage them in a way that makes the encounter fun for whatever control issues they have, but uncomfortable for the other. Some people just bit off more than they could chew, so to speak. What they fantasized about is not what they really want or can take in real life.
Either way, this is a very dangerous situation because you could either end up hurting someone too much, or you could be set up for a false rape or assault accusation. Remember that most accusations of this sort don’t end up as complaints to the police. They are whispered to friends or used against you later in the relationship. To manipulate me into a pegging session, my ex narcissist once called me a “sex beast” and meant it in a bad way. Don’t learn this the hard way like I did.
If everything you do hurts, then just very gently tell them that this isn’t working. Get up, gather their things, and send them home. Try not to show any anger or contempt or even amusement when you do. Any expression of negative emotion will be twisted by them when they see you again or tell their friends about it. Try to be friendly like a salesperson in a store where you looked but decided not to buy, just without the implication that you’d like to try it again. If later they say they want to try again, politely decline. Whatever you need to say, don’t put yourself in that situation with that person again.
Gaslighting while things are new or relatively casual is a red flag. If someone makes you feel like a monster because of how you like to shag, run. Don’t look back. Don’t even give them the speech. They don’t deserve it. Just ghost. You may not want to block them if you believe in enduring natural consequences and want to keep the lesson going for awhile, but stop answering their messages. Block them in your mind in a way that the things they say no longer affect you emotionally, and switch to observing them scientifically. Since this is probably a person who created distance already by overestimating their position and expressing fear of bonding, then misusing their presumed imaginary position, you owe them nothing. Just walk away.
Combo narcissism and pseudo psycho behavior with crazy manipulations deserves a bit more poison. This is someone who weasled their way into your heart just to break it. Let out your poison and tell them how you feel about what they’ve done, and then ghost. Burn the bridge and disappear. Be glad you didn’t breed with them. If you did, your only connection should be the kids, and I’m sorry but the sad reality is that you will have to undo a lot of damage that your ex does to them as a way to hurt you.
If you are bored because you’ve been at your 3-4.5 so long that you could do them in your sleep, this is not a crime. This i s where many normal people max out. I would say the decision of whether or not to stay in that depends on what your needs and goals are. If they’re not in your way, and you don’t already have too many other stable partners with whom you have a deeper bond, then there’s no reason to get rid of them. Just make sure their expectations are adjusted to fit the situation.
If they are used to your being more available to them or consistent with them, and you’re busy because you need to use your weekends or free time to hunt partners you are more aligned with, then don’t make an announcement about this unless or until they protest your absence. Sometimes we don’t notice when we’ve been too clingy because we don’t have the same gauge for casual as others. If something is fun for us, we want to do it a lot, and others may interpret this as our being closer to them than we are or needing or wanting them more than we do.
Continue for the issue of control.
