As Diva was cleansing and purifying the new place today, she also noticed it felt more “bubbly” than the last. It’s also a good sign that the first critters we’ve had to kill here were red centipedes. This means we probably don’t have to worry about roaches or other truly nasty bugs. The cats around here are healthy and well cared for.
A happy coincidence is that it rained on the day we moved. It would seem bizarre to have rain in the middle of August here, but I’ve come to expect some things that seem like strange occurrences. It would rain that day whether we moved or didn’t, but that we arranged for that day made it nicer. It might not be a totally good sign though. It could be a kind of warning that the rains this year are going to be particularly intense, and that it’s a good thing we moved someplace that wasn’t on the ground floor.
Being in a smaller place means that we have to be much more efficient about storage. By “we” I mean Shai. He has clothes that haven’t fit him for 10 years just in case he might need them again, and so many old things that no longer work. He needs to go through it all and get rid of things that don’t function or are obsolete like old computer parts and boxes for things that we no longer have.
We did an Ikea trip, which was definitely not the best idea on my left knee. They had to take out my miniscus and a lot of bone and other bits that were wrecked, so I’m still relearning to balance on it, and new blood vessel connections are still being made. So basically I’m still healing. By near the end of that very long maze, Shai had to get me a wheelchair. We found the perfect corner unit for his room, but we’re waiting until next week to get it because it just couldn’t be done at the time. I did find shelves and drawers that I like and would definitely make life easier, but that is for after getting him someplace to store his stuff. I already have a wardrobe and rigged an altar and shelves underneath from some quality plastic shelves we already have.
Little by little though, we’re getting things unboxed and making this place a home.
Meanwhile, it seems some other homes are going through changes. The drama that I knew would come with Red Lightning came. The other woman was trying to trap him, and he broke it off. She then proceeded to try to wreck his life by contacting his wife and other family. His wife, very intelligently, did not expel the father of her children who faithfully brings home his entire paycheck and spends every spare moment that isn’t necessary to tend to his needs, with his children. She knows who she married and how she got him. I don’t know what is going to happen with his marriage as far as level of openness, but he seems to be handling himself better. Some advice I gleaned from experienced male role models of realism, it must be clear that you are happily partnered, and that anyone on the side understands that they are not *the* side but *a* side. Polyamory is nothing new, and monogamy is more about sanity and property than an actual way most people are supposed to live forever. Some few people do monogamy for life, but the vast majority do not and there has always been a need to keep relationships stable regardless.
I’m told that on the real in Jewish/Hebrew culture and in many older African cultures, it was the husband’s responsibility to find a trusted friend or associate, or at least vet candidates to step in, in the event one could not satisfy their wife. So it’s not even about polygamy and patriarchy. For how ever many thousands of years there has been legal marriage, it has always been considered a matter of legality, trust, and familial bonds, and was never about the new ideals around “romance”. The new ideals are basically a bid for control by insecure people who think sexually enslaving people will give them more power. Such people don’t even like sex. It is just a business to them in which they want to be a monopoly.
In other news, because of the afore mentioned insecurity in his wife, Jubilee may be getting divorced. I hope not, but it depends his flexible his wife is willing to be. It’s not that he actually wants to shag anyone else. She just needs to take an interest in him and not fall in line with her own family’s pattern of alienation. They don’t need to break up, but they do need special counseling from a LGBTQA+ therapist who is very familiar with the A.
It can be difficult to parse certain problems because everyone is so focused on how and why people shag that they don’t give enough attention to how and why people don’t. The vocabulary to articulate many aspects, types, and levels of asexuality exist, but most people just aren’t going there. Also, asexuality is often interpreted as anti sexuality even by people who are themselves somewhat asexual. In my case, for example, I thought something was wrong with the fact that I couldn’t get aroused without trust or fantasizing about a situation in which there was a deep trust. I thought it was trauma based and something that needed to be solved so I could approach the world with good faith and not carry out self fulfilling prophecies of doom and drawing negativity.
I should have given myself the same compassion I gave Shai and every other person I encountered who was asexual. That is to say fuck a norm and fuck all boxes. We use these terms to discuss things on a kind of academic level, but in real life, for practical purposes, we need to start accepting lack of desire as much as we accept desires. No needs to be as legit as yes. People need to learn to take a no and to give a no without guilt or a need to jump mental hurdles or backwards rationalize anything. One of the major problems with monogamy as a romantic ideal is that it creates pressure where there should be none. “I’m not feeling it,” should be perfectly okay, and not mean anything except that person isn’t feeling it. There are thousands of other people out there who are feeling it, and the relationship with that person should not be affected by their not wanting to do what the other wants to do unless that’s what the relationship is based on.
Relationships that are based on the sex or where it is understood that this is a crucial element, like a bond between warriors, should be the only ones wherein it’s an issue. Some people consider marriage this type of relationship, but I don’t think it is or that it should be. The point of marriage itself is to legalize a family level bond with someone. The point of sex in a marriage is to make children. If the married people like having sex with each other then this is a bonus. Nobody should be getting married for the sex. It should be about building families. However, like any other family member, a person’s wellbeing, including their sexuality should become a priority. I don’t want to shag my parents, but I want them to be happy. So even though Shai and I haven’t had sex in a very long time, I take an interest in his sexual and romantic relationships. His lack of interest in intercourse does not let me off the hook.
I hope that every couple or grouping facing this kind of challenge comes to an understanding like me and Shai. The ceremony was about being family together. The sex was nice, but it wasn’t everything. It’s not why we got together and not why we stay together. The love that binds people in a way that paperwork and genitals can’t is a wonderful gift that I wish for everyone who wants it. I hope that Red Lightning and Jubilee and their wives have found it in each other. That will make it less awkward that they found it in me. It also means that the kids won’t have to suffer because the parents have unreal ideals.
These unreal ideals are how women like Red’s other chick set and spring their trap. They pretend they’re in love and that they’re into the sex until a pregnancy happens or papers are signed. So many guys fall for this because who doesn’t want to be desired? The true test always comes when it’s down to a choice between keeping the man or following the agenda to trap the man. When they play that card to try to destroy a dude’s life, then it’s clear that it was about the agenda, and the woman was really not into that dick like she pretended to be. Getting revenge because the guy didn’t fall in is obviously more important than keeping him around.
This is what happens though, when people are selling the Disney ideal. Folks think that sex is how to know someone is marriage material. I understand that masculine people and feminine people don’t have the same options. but masculine people really do have to not let themselves be run by Disney’s dick. Seriously.