No More Fucks

 Having already decided not to manufacture fucks to give about people who aren’t reciprocating, it’s interesting to watch someone new acting on wild assumptions. It’s a bit of the mixed blessing of looking much younger than I actually am. Dudes assume I’m going to behave like someone who’s under pressure to marry them and have their babies when even before I was married and had babies, this wasn’t the reason I pursued relationships.

Maybe it’s because I never took it for granted that anyone would want to stay with me, the idea that someone would was something more along the lines of a nice surprise or lucky break. It never seemed like something I was entitled to. I learned early, the way I learn many things, from other people’s mistakes or other people’s pain, which put my own in context. Even if you “do everything right”, someone might still hate the shit out of you, or keep you around as long as you’re convenient and do some real dirt to you. I just don’t trust anyone’s loyalty until it has been tested with some real shit, which life always brings eventually. I don’t need to play games or create drama. It’ll come in due time on its own. Some temptation, some tragedy, or some trigger. Then you see who you’re really looking at.

In the States, I was viewed as avoidant because I was a bit regimented. I’m an ambivert, so I can be social, but I need my me time for art, work, and workings. So once things got physically intimate, I didn’t expect that a friend would turn into anything except a friend who did or didn’t want to do that again. If they did then they’d better keep a level of attentiveness that indicated such. If not then, being able to compartmentalize the sex and the relationship and the person as a whole being, I’d chalk it up to one of those things that just happens because biology and it would become a non issue. We were good unless they mistreated me because the sex reduced me in their view. If I grieved, it was for the betrayal of friendship. If they just didn’t want to do it again, the not behaving like they wanted that was enough of a message.

So try as I might to get into how things are supposed to be in Israel, I just can’t make myself chase a dick.

Supposedly here, even if they’re a friend or a friendly acquaintance, once there are genitals involved, the feminine party is supposed to nag the dude. She’s supposed to demand attention and get mad when it isn’t given. I just can’t. I can’t generate emotion that isn’t there, and to fake it would be deceptive. If someone doesn’t want any, then that’s their right. If they’re too broken or stupid to understand that sex is a big dangerous deal for a feminine person, and that there are scores of people trying to get that from any given feminine person, usually with the least effort and investment possible, and they’re blending in with the white noise of the useless horde, good riddance.

Why would I want to waste my life plotting and planning, and my energy nagging to keep a useless non investor? It doesn’t matter if he is a good guy overall. If he’s not interested, me nagging him isn’t going to make him more interested. Is it? Is there something I’m missing in this?

Diva tells me that I’m thinking too much like a man. Maybe I am. I think of it as more like a hunter. There’s a world full of possible catches out there who want to be caught. It might be a fun challenge for some to keep chasing after the ones who are difficult to the point of spending a lot of time and resources and still getting nothing, but to me it just looks like a bad deal. So she tells me if I don’t nag them, they think I don’t care.

Well…I kinda don’t. I mean, I care about them like I care about all humans who aren’t assholes, but care as in craving their attention? No. It takes a long time to get there for me. It’s not because I’m particularly difficult. It’s because generally, it takes some time for a guy with a life and options to see how someone stands out beyond looks.  That’s the kind of challenge I appreciate: someone who is aware that aging, tragedies, and death happens to people, and isn’t looking for anime forever.

I have never been a typical beauty, and I’m not in the top tier of social status, so though there have always been dudes who wanted to shag me, relatively few see me as valuable enough to want to keep.  They may be many numerically, but they are not all in one place with signs on or something. So I have types. Usually the kind of guys who value someone like me are some flavor of warrior or at least involved in some activity that reminds them they are mortal. A dude with a life who’s not looking for more misery is someone I have things to offer. So we meet and check each other out, and at some point he voices his attraction, and if I’m attracted too, the dance begins.

Still, even while we’re dancing, the moment it stops being a dance and starts being a chase, I start to lose interest. When I reach for a hand that’s supposed to be there, and catch nothing but air, I spin off before I end up on the floor when there’s supposed to be a dip. I am attentive enough that nobody I am interested in seeing more of has to wonder if I am interested. If I’m not getting a reasonable amount of feedback and reciprocation, I get the message that person doesn’t have a desire to continue, so I stop.

Granted, more than a few times here, I’ve heard from a dude who washed out, and they’ve said they were interested but I gave up. They say this like it’s a bad thing, but then come the confessions that, between the lines, they were chasing someone else who either didn’t want them or was exploitative or was chasing someone else. So I was right. They weren’t really interested in me, and when they had my attention, they took it for granted or thought they would string me along until they knew what was going to happen with Plan A.

I don’t mind competing. Even if your relationship with someone is solid, there is competition for that person’s time and attention. No one can be taken for granted. The other person has to realize there’s competition for my time and attention too. Especially at my age, I would rather have a nice lunch and a talk with Diva than sex with some dude whose loyalty is an unknown or it is known that I’m too low on the list. We’re friends or we’re not and if we’re not then they’re in the pool with the rest of humanity. I like the dude who works at my nearest health food store but I am not giving him a blowjob because he sells good sourdough with a smile.

So I don’t get this chasing and nagging and begging for attention. It’s humiliating. Bonus, it’s feeding someone’s ego in the wrong way. My love is not unconditional. I am a manifestation of the Divine, but I am not its entirety in this form at least at my current state of awareness.

The unknown is the known in the case of the flaky or low effort.

These talks with Diva about how to date in Israel are interesting, but I think we’re getting to a level where there’s the cultural norms and then there’s how I should translate my self in a way that will be understood within the context. I decided on a kind of compromise response to flakiness. It’s the facepalm.

The specifics can be vague, but it is a clear indication that one of us in that situation is fucking up royally in an obvious way. Whether it’s that they dropped the ball or I am pushing air, something isn’t right, and this is something to fix. It’s the warning shot that I’m taking a step back because I’m feeling unwanted.

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My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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