Yule is coming. At some point after that, hopefully on the night of the 30th, we’ll also give offerings to Yemaya. It’s a time of year that is busy and issues like who’s really in this, and this year especially I have zero tolerance for bullshit. So a few guys who didn’t really even get to the dangerous part of the dance have let me spin off. There’s a part of me that is disappointed, but a part of me that is relieved. All of those guys would have failed me at some point that would have made it more painful or made me more stupid for having gotten intimate with them.
If I can help it, I never want to feel that again, so I’m alright.
For me, the label doesn’t come before the person. Who they are to me is themselves. If they want to be around, great, if not then I’ll miss them but great. There is no need to harm me to get away from me. One only needs to just go. If we decide to be something to each other that has a label for practical purposed, we should each be owning that so we can build trust, but there is no need for games, deception, doing things behind the back, or hostility or neglect for that matter.
I understand that this is weird. It’s not new though. It’s just a bit more rare since my batch of GenX mostly abandoned things like self discipline. Stoics have been promoting this kind of thinking about relationships since Epictetus though. So I got my abilities through Nature and probably trauma, not by studying stoicism, but I got the point that humans are fickle and when not that, still mortal. I let people go if they’re going to go, before they hurt me. The few years of my life that I didn’t do this consistently, I paid in time and money from the downtime involved with recovering from someone not being who and certainly not what they said they’d be. Waste of emotions.
Maybe that’s the hangup. I don’t behave like someone who can’t live without anyone, and Disney has taught people that this is what love is. Perhaps I should be less “strong pimp hand” and more forthcoming with the feeling that I would miss them when they’ve earned that. Thing is, I’m trying to be a benefit to them. They should be trying to be some benefit to me too. Otherwise I won’t actually miss them. I’ll maybe have withdrawals for their flavor of vitamin D, but after that, I’ll be over it. Should I pretend that I don’t know that I will survive their rejection? I mean, I don’t harp on this. I don’t think I’m doing anything to shame or reduce anyone. The few people who have shown they are with me, I do my best to show that I am with them. Ride or die for real.
Ah well. I’m not above learning. I’ll give this some thought.
