I do not.
Coping with the way the world has revealed its nature since 2020 has stripped me of both the time and patience for people who are not on my level. People who don’t come with intent to reciprocate, don’t get mutuality or even symbiosis, I just put in the “human dignity” pen in my mind and heart. I love the ones who aren’t openly hostile because they are safe to love, but loving them as whole persons means accepting their limitations. They can never love me back, and that’s okay. They don’t have to. They just need to not attempt to harm me, and we’re good.
My side of the deal is that understanding this about them, I don’t put myself in harm’s way. I understand that if I press their limits, they are going to react with resentment and hostility. So once I see that deficiency in them, I no longer attempt to engage them in any way that might risk my diversion of time, energy, or other resources from those who are or are at least able to reciprocate.
I still live my life with nothing to hide. I don’t mess with people who don’t mess with me. Truth be told, I don’t even give back a fraction of what some people who’ve harmed me or tried their damndest to, deserve. Since I understand that weak people will, if given the opportunity, do bad things to me because they don’t think I can do anything about it, I protect them by protecting myself.
As of July 2020, a third man who hurt me has committed suicide. He is the fifth to die violently. It is quite normal for men who hurt me to suffer in horrible ways. Though I am sure it is just a coincidence, it has strengthened my faith in Nature.
So this post is only here as a sort of milestone for me. I am leaving up the Tinder photo as a kind of way of leaving him as I found him. Ultimately, I learned from the experience that the experience was another on the list of near useless time passing exercises. It was in its way a kind of like the last time I ate a tasteless hotdog because I was away from my home and my blood sugar was dropping. I was trying to convince myself it was tastier than it was. It was some calories and a bit of protein. I should never have allowed it to exist in any other context, not because of him so much but because of me.
I am indeed unlovable to some people. When that is clear, I should bail before either of us gets hurt. Still…
I will not tolerate repeated attempts to harm me or mine.
I have learned to stay in my lane so they don’t believe they can survive the first time, much less repeat.
