After some time to think, Fender has realized that whatever pressure he’s feeling is not coming from me.  I do care for him, so I’ll admit that I’m glad he’s back, but after this I don’t view him the same way.  It’s the first time, and hopefully the last, that I’ve pitied him.  It’s not so much about him as it is about the environment he’s grown up and tried to have a love life in.

It’s easy for me to say that someone should have come out of certain experiences unscathed, but I haven’t exactly come out like a champ either.  Underneath my patently chill surface seethes a monster just waiting for sufficient levels of self pity to override her prime directive.

She has a beak of gold, a silver tongue, and a hydraulic vagina.  She is my inner non sexual whore.  Some guys say that there’s a little whore in every woman.  Well, mine is honest enough to admit that if she ever took over, sex would be the last thing on her mind, and manipulating vulnerable people into turning over their cash would be the first.  Every time a new trend is on the horizon, she thinks of many ways to exploit sheeple with it.

As an example, some years ago I started thinking of designs for butt crack shavers.  You’ll know I have lost my ethics when I start marketing them.  You’ll know I have basically blasphemed the Holy Spirit when the electric version comes out.

So I must forgive Fender his momentary lapse into dealing-with-spider-hoes-ness.  He has a right to his suspicions and fears as I do mine.  We should both just not let those paralyze our relationship.  He’s found out that I’m not into micromanagement of grown men, and I’ve found out that he values me enough to stick around to find that out.

The game is indeed over.  Now things are getting serious.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.


  1. Hello. I noticed you post comments over on the racist/misongynist Roissy blog. I have posted there as well but now am banned because my comments make too much sense for them. In fact, how I found you is that Roissy kept calling me “Nicole” and something else – khadhal – something with a “k” in it.

    I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I saw a “Nicole” on there, clicked on the name and it brought me here.

    As a woman of color, you are two strikes what those dudes can’t hack. That you are smart and mannered in your writing (unlike them) and full figured to boot is all that they hate.

    I saw the way they ganged up on Obsidian for being a black man who pointed out some obvious things to them. They want to shout, “HBD! HBD!” all day long but when HBD doesn’t work in their favor, then they get pissed at the first black dude that comes along and take out their insecurities on him.

    Some dude is posting ridiculous lies over there about my culture and spiritual practice and all comments correcting him have been deleted.

    I bow. I bow. Rednecks rule and everything they say is right.

  2. Roissy and I have had our fair share of arguments. At some point, I realized that most of it was due to my being incomprehensible to him. I exist outside his worldview, so rather than being able to understand what I’m saying, he has a kind of imaginary Nicole that he can comprehend.

    Hopefully experience will help him to figure out that his view of reality is overly limited, so that he can at least avoid making a fool of himself. I’m not very optimistic about that though, as he is very herd dependent. The only people who would notice that he was way off are as far outside his worldview as me.

    Harsh as this sounds, I don’t really fault him for it. It would be like faulting a bunny rabbit for being furry.

    When a rabbit sees the shadow of an eagle flying overhead, it doesn’t care if the eagle is hungry at the moment, or prefers to eat rats or snakes. It just reacts with fight or flight. The fact that bunnies get eaten by eagles often is evidence that they don’t always do either effectively.

    So don’t sweat it. At the end of the day, education never turns a rabbit into an eagle. Whatever knowledge you gave him about your culture or spirituality would have been wasted anyway.

    This is why I don’t bother doing more there than offering perspective to people who don’t have his limitations, but are just interested in the topic.

  3. I’m glad you’re posting again as I always enjoy your comments.

    Sadly, I think Marcus A was banned also.

  4. It wouldn’t surprise me. Ah well…

    Since the new boyfriend, I’ve been refreshed on a few things. I told Fender about Roissy’s blog one day while we were talking to Kahuna (my little brother from another mother) about his game. He laughed pretty hard.

    When he was done though, he said that for guys who need it, it’s a good thing that there are guys who write about these things. He’s pretty alpha, but has made some mistakes that if he’d had warning, he could have easily avoided. His dad was more the severely criminal alpha type, so he didn’t get much balanced guidance, and his expectations and therefore his standards for women’s behavior were too low when he was younger. He did more enforcing than filtering.

    So he says if I’m going to be there at all, it’s best to keep my posts limited to my perspective, and make it more clear that this is all I’m offering. This means my contributions will be about things that are specific to my type or myself, and not much else. Since most guys there aren’t looking for someone like me, and the ones who might be seldom admit it, it won’t be relevant to the seriously lost, and will pass under their radar.

    Seems to be working well so far.

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