It’s Definitely Not Fear

April 2, 2011 Swimming in my clothes

April 2, 2011 Swimming in my clothes

The gloom seems to have been a phase.  Since that day, I seem to be well sorted and strangely more attractive.  Perhaps not sexually so, but sentimentally, which is fine.  Even my dance has shifted a bit.  I was using mostly Arab music, but now I’m getting more into goth and soukous.

I’m also more at peace with my defects.  I still don’t buy the “empowered” denial.  It’s just reached a point when I look around at other women my age and am just happy to be alive and to have had women in my family who taught me how to take care of myself.  I am also grateful to Chef Kathleen Daelemans and the late, great Weston A. Price and a whole lot of other folks who helped me recover from industrial phood.  I’m even thankful to Roissy for giving me many good social reasons to never look back or be remotely tempted to re-enter the calorie counting and yo-yo dieting hell that has uglified far too many American women.

So now, I look in the mirror and smile, and look at other people and smile not giving a flying fart about how they’ll react to it…just spreading some joy.  I don’t feel the need to protect them from me anymore.

It has given me the “balls” to talk to male persons I was attracted to, but would previously avoid or pretend to be some sort of foliage in the background around.   I’ve lost a kind of irrational fear of rejection.

Now that was a weird part of my behavior that needed killing because it made absolutely no sense.  I’ve long been okay with the idea that I could be attracted to or have a crush on someone, and they might hate my gutts.  Most reasonable women reach that stage around puberty or so.  I did.  Thing is, for some reason, if I was attracted to someone, it became important for me to be cool about it and save face.  I think that reason was feminist, but it might be a Black thing too.

In the vast majority of cases, I wasn’t really looking to get with these guys.  I wanted to befriend them because I liked them as people, and their attractiveness was a kind of an aside.  The way I behaved around them could probably be summed up in the words, “No homo.”  I don’t quite understand why, but I didn’t want them to even think there was a remote chance of me obsessing or getting ideas.  In some cases, I knew I didn’t have a chance, or at least a chance of being more than a shag, and it was important to me that they knew that I knew that I’m either not in their league or that my interest in them was purely platonic regardless of any attraction.

Any time I said something nice to them, there was an either implied or reworded, “No homo,” after it.  I couldn’t just say, “You look sexy today,” or, “Wow, that was amazing (about something they did that just freakin’ rocked),” without some behavior that made it clear that I was NOT fawning.

Now though, I fawn freely.  Once I broke through and actually started complimenting guys without a, “No homo,” and they didn’t run away screaming or insult me or something, I realized just how irrational that fear was.  I was such a doofus.  Ah well.

There’s just one thing in my changes over the past couple of years that I’m finding just wrong.  I gave up lifting heavy objects, but now I’m getting back into it.  I’m sorry, it just can’t be helped.  Though i’m okay with myself when I look in the mirror, I will admit to getting some kind of bizarre, perhaps narcissistic thrill at the sensation of firm muscles under my skin.  Since there is less fat under my skin, I notice my musculature more not just visually but tactilely.

I….am a warpig.  I am graceful and sweet natured for a warpig, but this is physically who I am.  I like being strong.  I accept and understand that the vast majority of men do not find pleasure in it.  At my age though, what men like is about 10 years past what ought to be my priority in fitness or aesthetics.

By now, sexually, there will probably not be another man in my life since I require more than a sperm depositor.  I understand that my desires are totally unrealistic and unreasonable in this, so I have put them aside like many people’s dream of being a rockstar has to go when they were not gifted with talent and a high powered agent.  It can happen.  It’s just unlikely.

So the rest of my years are about what makes me okay with me.  It was a nice excursion into gameville.  I’ve learned a lot about the mistakes I’ve made in time to help my daughter and other young women navigate the chaos that has become dating in the western world.  As for me though, my time is past, and it’s about making money and enjoying myself, and hopefully steering more young women away from the cock carousel, and more men away from the mangina hive.

The Enforcer quest is back online.  So here I go.


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.


  1. Glad to see you are feeling better, Nicole.

    I wonder where this irrational fear of rejection come from. Are you, generally speaking, a shy person? I’ve been told that women out-pace men in every other anxiety except for dating/mating anxiety, men feel more anxious about tier prospects than women. I wonder if this anxiety, when found in women, is the result of an introverted personality..

  2. There are probably a few things behind it. That is likely one of them. I am introverted, but I do my best to get out because otherwise I could become reclusive and worse, self absorbed.

    I enjoy good company and giving of myself to people. What messes me up is that some people apparently hate that, or hate that it’s me doing the giving. Being around humans is sometimes like handling venomous snakes, and I probably took that a little too far because I had no idea what I was doing because I’m not a natural at being very social.

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