Again, generalizing, here are some indicators of where you stand with a Primal person.
When a Primal person says, “I would have your babies,” it means that you are pretty, strong, and have some personality features they like. It does not mean that they actually want to have your babies today. It is just a compliment.
“What is that bitch’s/bastard’s name?” means they feel protective of you. If it is said with a sort of a laugh, then you are being offered protection. If it is said with a serious tone, this question is best answered by you with some instructions as to whether or not you would approve of protection. They will likely follow your lead. If it is growled then no matter how you answer, this person will be found and dealt with.
But when you are under protection, this means your relationship is serious or about to be.
“I am going to _____. Do you need anything from there?” This is a combination nurturer/provider situation. They want to start doing things for you in the course of their activities because they are thinking about your needs. The next step is, “I see you need _____. Let me take care of that.” Then at some point things you needed may start simply appearing.
Aside of the intense sex, if a Primal person loves you more than in a general humanitarian way, they will want to actually do actions and practical things to express their affection. Unless or until they do or offer to do something practical, you are basically still in the Primal “friend zone”. Actually, since we tend to consider friendship a serious relationship, it’s more like the “sexually interesting acquaintance zone”.
About the friendship thing, most of us at least that I know of, will have sex with our friends. We just don’t claim them as more than friends. It is not like vanilla people’s “friends with benefits”, but not like their being in our tribe. They are just fun to hang out with and safe to have sex with. Sometimes these relationships take on a romantic tone, but not always, and we tend to be cool with that. One of the reasons we’re cool with it is because it’s hard to not know when you don’t have a very intense chemistry with someone, even if the person makes you feel nurtured and loved in a humanitarian way.
We get that not everyone is a match, and even if we are, sometimes there are other concerns. I’ve had relationships that were quite intense and with people with whom, were it a different time and place, we could be together long term, but there were things they needed to do in life without me. In some cases, in a way I was their training partner or teacher-girlfriend, and in some cases I was a reminder of what sex with someone who cares for you is like. Those were, and some still are, serious relationships, albeit sexually temporary.
It is very common for non sexual or not-directly-sexual friendships to intensify to a level of Primal friendship. The people involved either graduate to a level of being very physically comfortable with one another, or don’t lose the physicality they were comfortable with in childhood just because they become adults. This is not the same thing as bullying where a so-called friend takes non consensual liberties with others or uses physical intimidation. Things work both ways, and friends will both give and receive what looks like aggression, and at times perhaps even punish one another physically. In some cultures where no one would dream of hitting a child, adults will have a sort of physical discipline with one another. In Israel, this is standard.
One good truth that Diva told me is that all relationships end. No matter what kind of relationship it is, it ends someday. Sometimes it is with death, but sometimes it’s just life.
Primal people, we tend to take life and sexuality by the balls, and we learn when to jiggle gently, and when to squeeze. We don’t always fit in a box. So even though I did my best here to provide some sort of definition and guide, the best person to define your relationship is you and your partner. Just please treat each other’s hearts with care out there.
Thanks for this post. I’m a kinkster and I have mixed feelings about the term “primal” and how it’s being used in the bdsm community. I have two main concerns.
1. “Primal” can be misused to justify overstepping boundaries and allows players who mess up to eschew responsibility. Plenty of subs go non-verbal in subspace, and tops can too. But the top needs to stay grounded in reality at least enough to be aware of their play partners needs. Being in primal headspace should not be used as an excuse for getting carried away and harming a sub (even if unintentional).
2. I also worry that primal play can be a tool of cultural appropriation, like that early 90s “urban savage” movement that happened among white gay men. It usurped the symbols and language of indigenous cultures to naturalize gay male sexual desire. And frankly, I see too many white primal-identified folks on Fetlife wearing feathers or bones and tribal tattoos or scarring. They seem no more enlightened or progressive than a white sorority girl dressed as Pocahontas.
But if cultural appropriation can be avoided and primal tops can remain risk-aware and attuned to their subs needs and limits, I think primal play could be very freeing.
My feelings about it are not mixed. First of all, Primals aren’t playing. I mean, there is such a thing as Primal play, but that’s like when puppies fight. Primal sex is not a “play” session. It’s real, honest to Nature making out and/or fucking.
What some BDSM’ers who aren’t Primal do with it is not our responsibility beyond doing what we can to educate people.
Primal people are very aware of the risks, the gray areas, and the fact that harm may happen if one takes things too far. We don’t generally go into it setting out to hurt someone, but we’re cool with the fact that hurt may happen in the process. The oversensitive and those who need a notarized disclaimer should not venture into our world. They should go “play” with people interested in “playing”.
As to cultural appropriation, this is a problem with “white” culture, not with Primal folk specifically.
https://cocojonesblogs.wordpress.com/writing/the-bdsm-culthow-to-be-a-predator/
There is a dangerous man in the BDSM Ccommunity guilty of serial rape and extortion being given a free pass because people are afraid of him. Our only weapon is teaching excellent communication and negotiating skills to all newbies.
So my concern to this is yes subs do go silent, they are subs they are not primal. If a mate goes to far with me i don’t use my voice not in primal space, you lash back you show with eyes… it’s a bond that true primals have an ability in that head space to communicate beyond civilized language. The thing for me is I know if the man I am with is primal before introduced in society there’s a feeling and you know. It’s dangerous to call it play… because it’s real and will become dangerous if you are not it, I don’t believe it can be taught only awakened.
My fear is when you have sadist justifying there actions in bdsm by saying they are does, or emotional sadists being “open”
oops, in my above comment I said “urban savage” but the more broadly used term I couldn’t think of is “modern primitive”.
And your comment was well said and quite correct. And not….politically correct just true.
I had no idea there was a serious predation problem in Kinkland. Silly me, we’re not all righteous bad asses, like me. Let’s take care of each other out there.
I have recently come to realise I’m primal, but I’m not typically primal. I am not a predator nor prey. I am more like the alpha female in a lion pride. Strong, in control and very, very protective of those I have taken under my wing.
I have played as a submissive and even gone non verbal, but when I am in primal head space, that doesn’t happen. I become hyper aware and want to fight and verbalise. It’s just different.
Primal is no excuse to step over other people’s boundaries and in fact, most primals don’t. From my experience, a primal isn’t interested in doing anything with a submissive because the primal wants the fight or flee and the submissive wants to submit and give it up – which is too easy for the primal. If a submissive goes non verbal other safe measures can be taken like a safe movement or sound.
Kneeledbeauty, I thought I was the only lioness ???? it’s so hard to find anything about this
I’ve always been way during sex – biting, clawing, growling, a bit of blood. I didn’t know it had a term until last night. I honestly thought I was just an oddball in the bedroom. Going along with Kneeledbeauty, I always identified with a big cat too, like a cougar or leopard. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in this.
So glad hear of other lionesses. Ironwynch has written (in my opinion) the best description of what being primal is . i’m very happy to have found it as i was beginning to feel quite isolated in regards to my primal way of being.