Year 39 Begins

On the 8th of this month, I entered the last year of my thirties.  I should probably be mourning, but I’m not.  I went to the shouk today for groceries, and got a new “agalah” on the way.  The old one served me well for more than two years, but it’s bent all to heck now.  The new one is prettier than the old one was, but not as good.  This one will probably last half a year.

Fender instructed me to tell him the next time I go to the shouk because (as I suspected) he is a “collecter” there, and I’d get things at cost or free, but I disobeyed.  It has taken me some time to establish a good rapport and relationships with the merchants there, and I don’t want that corrupted even if corruption is normal here.  If we ever break up, things would get really awkward if I took advantage while we’re together.  I don’t like to owe anybody.  In a way, I think that’s one of the things that makes me most attractive to him.  Hell if I’m going to become a grocery whore now.  That would be the equivalent of a guy becoming clingy and obsessive.  People don’t always know that they don’t really want what they say they want.

As a woman, my game (as in rules of engagement and principles, not fakeness) probably has nothing to do with whether or not he’s attracted to me sexually, but it does have alot to do with respect.   If it doesn’t make a difference either way, why not keep that little extra edge?

If he wants to get all providerey, then he has to at least let me whore honestly.  I don’t mean sexually because that’s an even exchange.  I mean actual services like braiding his hair, pimping his website and the like.  A couple of five hour cornrow sessions is worth a couple of weeks’ groceries.

In other news, on the way home, a cab driver wanted to talk to me about the Obamas.  It seems to be the favorite topic for young guys trying to make conversation with me and demonstrate how non racist they want me to think they are.  When we got to the point of talking about Michelle Obama, he said she seems to be a bit of a snob.  She doesn’t smile genuinely a whole lot, and her manner seems very strict.

So I told the guy the truth: Michelle grew up in a country where aside of some overcompensating Black nationalists, everyone else there is telling us that we’re the ugliest women in the world.  He seemed shocked.  His mouth literally hung open in disbelief.

So then I told him about my junior high and high school experiences.  I got called an ugly bitch multiple times every day for seven years, when I was about half my current weight, wore a 34 DD, ran, and did martial arts.  The few times in those years that someone other than a relative or platonic friend told me I was beautiful, they were either trying to get into my pants, or said it in that smarmy overcompensating “Black is beautiful” way.

If Michelle Obama was unaffected by, or fully recovered from this, her hair would either be its natural texture, or straightened with enough care that she wouldn’t have cicatrical alopecia.  It is possible for a Black woman to have long straight hair that is fairly healthy.  It wouldn’t be optimally healthy, but it would be stronger than the typical relaxer-head.

There’s a way people do things when it’s just a style choice, and a way people do things when it’s part of an unhealthy pattern.  Hopefully now that she’s got access to some of the best stylists on the planet, some African or Caribbean woman will show her the way.

So the driver says to me that he can’t believe that American men genuinely consider Black women ugly.  He says they’re just saying that because secretly they want us or something.  I told him that perhaps it is so sexually.  There was alot of racially based sex tourism and prostitution going on before the double whammy of prohibition and new feminism made us forbidden and then angelic martyrs.  However, I said, they love us like someone loves finding a $20 bill laying on the ground.

It’s $20.  One doesn’t care if it’s a little dirty.  It’s money.  So as long as a woman has a vagina, she’ll find some penis that wants in, especially if she’s objectively beautiful.  However, if she isn’t socially convenient, the guy will hope that he can screw her without having to actually treat her like a human being, to do it.

…and yes, I went there, and said, “…much like Jewish guys treat non Jewish women here, and Arab guys treat non Arab women here.   Only in the U.S. the guys at least have enough class to avoid a woman they consider substandard.  Here they’ll just lie to her about how liberal they are…but in the end, we get the message here too.”

I then explained, this is the situation Michelle Obama grew up in.  We’re not allowed to be nice and congenial.  If we are, we get branded as sluts or easy targets for abuse.  So we have two socially allowable personas: snob and bitch.  She doesn’t want to act like a bitch, so she has to act like a snob.  Otherwise, people will talk more trash about her than they do already.

Away from the public eye, we can be ourselves, but so long as the camera is rolling, we have to be hard or be stepped on.  As intelligent and accomplished as she is, Americans think she’s ugly…and it’s better to be an ugly girl with some dignity and power than it is to be one without dignity or power.

So he says, “That explains alot.”  I asked what, and he told me that most Black women he knows here are very snobby.  I told him to be grateful that a good African upbringing doesn’t allow them to become bitches.  We both laughed.