The new dating and dipping situation is going fairly well.  The dry spells are a bit longer because I’m more selective, but so far I have done well in absolutely avoiding any heart rending situations.

I’m beginning to understand how the young ladies can get caught up in the cock carousel though.  At that age, unless one has had certain life experiences with violence and the obvious need for male protection, they don’t really know what a real alpha or higher beta is, so having a lot of athletes to choose from might seem irresistible temptation.  At my age, and with my experiences, I do know, and when I have my eye on someone, the ensuing exchange is quite a rush.

I’ve been approached by some nice hunks of masculinity since the guy sitting next to Fester, but turned all but one down.  His time working here was over, so we were over, but I don’t feel bad about it.  It was a wonderful experience.  I didn’t have to lower myself in any way, and it was very clear that he wanted to be there and wasn’t settling due to availability.  We even shared some pretty emotionally intimate moments, and I’ve made a new friend.

Strangely, I think Fester and I are starting to become friends.  We made a kind of a truce because of a situation he was going through that, once he finally told me about it, explained some of his weird behavior.  Because this didn’t explain all of it though, once the crisis was over, we were back to uneasy tolerance.

The main reason for the unease is that beta males who don’t actually prefer them, often consciously settle for fat chicks.  Since Fester is infamous for being a jerk to women, by some standards, one could call him an alpha, but his basic nature is beta to the bone.  It is clear from his behavior since our time together that I may have been a relapse…like a beta vent.

While we were together, he filled my head with all manner of bullshit.  The walk together after we met, he picked a yellow wildflower and after figuring out what to call us, asked me to be his bitch.  He nearly died picking pink flowers off of a tree, to stuff into my cleavage.  On our dates, he would comment about not liking “stupid skinny girls”.  He played the role of an alpha with deviant tastes.  If he’d just dumped me without trying to box me into friends with benefits, and we had no mutual friends, I would have been none the wiser.

…but as it turns out, the women who’ve followed me have been not only very slim, but highly mannish except for the one he brought to the pub, who looked like a crack whore.  Butterface is a beta stock and trade, but then so are fat chicks with pretty faces (like me).  In addition to this, he persists in saying he doesn’t believe in romantic love, yet he has been married and recently had girlfriends who he was with for some time and refers to as girlfriends.

The only way I can explain why anything at all happened between us was that he was having a bad day that day and I was convenient.  After that, the beta in him probably made him feel that since I am a cool person, he should try to make as if he cared a little.  I honestly don’t know why he bothered at all.  It is apparent that we didn’t really have sex the way it would be sex with a deviant or personality driven alpha.  He would have more emotion about my letting him use my bathroom than he does for our time together.  On his end, it was totally meaningless.

In perspective of what I’ve learned from some honest men, this is understandable.  To him, I am a fat ugly woman who he wouldn’t go near if he felt he had other options at the time.  He had other options.  He knows chicks hotter than me who are good for a go if he’s in need.  So it must have been beta relapse.  It had no meaning for him, so he was kind of on autopilot.

Again, we get back to what I like about manlier men.  They don’t lie.  Commando made it very clear that he is not the relationship type and explained why.  So at the end of it all, I respect him.  He respected me enough not to fill my ears with bullshit.  So we enjoyed each other’s company very much and parted ways cool with one another.  That is the next best thing to meeting the next love of one’s life.  It may not be forever, but it’s good while it lasts, and doesn’t end in self hatred and feeling used and abused.

I don’t know if, friendship wise, I should count lies Fester told to get into and get deeper into, and then keep at a safe but usable distance, my pants against him.  It says something bad about his character that he would lie to me at all.  I think this is why I felt betrayed and got that “I’m too stupid to live” sensation.  Is this a friend?  Can I trust him in other ways even though he was so full of shit?  Can a person who just saw me as the equivalent of a toilet ever see me as anything else?  Have I all of a sudden earned his respect?  Do I want it?

What if I find out he’s bottom feeding with another woman he views as a toilet?  Should I warn her?  Would that be betraying a friend?  Which should be the priority?


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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