10 Big Mistakes Straight Men Make In Online Dating

So your “player” or Gay friends have told you of the wonder and efficiency of online dating. Yet a week in, you are not getting any matches, or when you do, you strike out. Want to know what you’re doing wrong? Read on.

1. Your Photos in Sunglasses (or Headless or Not You)

Most women love a bit of mystery, but wearing sunglasses won’t cover your identity to your wife or girlfriend. She could probably tell who you are in a balaclava. Not showing your face in photos is just plain creepy. If you are getting matches at all, then don’t come crying to me when she threatens to kill you or boils your pets.

2. Your Photos Are Bad

Take the time to make a clear photo in which you are relaxed, but not smiling unless you have an incredible smile. Do not use weird filters either.

And fuck you straight to eternal oblivion if you are using impoverished children to get dates or trying to lure women with fake new age “shamanism”.


3. Your Listed Standards are Too Damn High

Everyone has their preferences, but first consider what sort of women would be searching for D online. Not that they are the bottom of the barrel, but we all have some sort of issue that makes it difficult for us to find D efficiently in a world where between 13-65, we are being offered some almost every time we leave the house. We are the introverted, the busy, and the busted for the most part. Again, not judging, but I am literally a queen (female king technically) and I don’t get out enough to find D that wouldn’t be awkward to deal with afterwards.

Very few women searching online are the classic Miss Right.  Very few women in the world get to a certain age without taking a few hits that may lead us to prioritize other things over whether or not some dude we don’t know will be judging us. We’ll just pass by or swipe left or X or whatever.

4. You Are Planning Too Far Ahead

I bet you think I’m going to say that making it clear that you are only for a “one night stand” is bad.  No.  Any planning about hypothetical women you don’t know is bad. Whether you’re stating that you want an one nighter or a serious relationship, this puts pressure on a situation that shouldn’t be there. It is better to say nothing than to say too much (more on that later).  If you do have the one night thing in your profile and aren’t getting matches though, then that filter is just doing what it’s supposed to do: filtering. You aren’t getting matches because most women in your league are not looking for a one night stand. You may want to reevaluate your expectations or simply wait for a woman who is looking for a one night stand. Eventually it will happen. Just be patient.

5. You Look Gay

Some women are into the androgynous or outright fancyboy look, but not many. Those shirtless waves washing over you on the beach or artsy black and white glamor shots are not sending the message that you are a stable, responsible, sexual, straight man. Another very Gay thing already mentioned, is the headless body shot.

6. You Don’t Date

The internet is a frightening place for women. Too many men and women have been robbed, ambushed, kidnapped, and murdered by criminals and terrorists they found online for you to think you are going to get laid just by showing up at someone’s door. It may happen once or twice, but if it has, I recommend you get tested for every known STD. Only crazy people spreading diseases on purpose, suicidal people, and meth heads receive a guy at their door without meeting in a place with witnesses first.

You at least have herpes.

7. You Tried to Lawyer Her Down

She has stated her requirements, but you think she’s asking too much, or maybe she’s not asking too much in general, but you don’t want to spend the meager $10 to get her a coffee and some cheesecake so she’ll give you time to convince her that you should shag. So you start telling her how dating is old fashioned, and how you shouldn’t go out for coffee because you don’t want to get married, or some other insane rationalization for being a cheapskate or for all she knows, a predator planning to cut her into tiny pieces, or just a weakling princess who sucks in bed but has an overblown sense of entitlement.

If you can’t meet a woman’s demands, just pass her by.  Same as we do with the high standards guy.  You don’t need to write her just to tell her the equivalent of, “You are so ugly that I am ashamed to be seen with you,” or, “You are too ugly to expect anyone to treat you with basic dignity or respect.”

Because then not only will she not shag you. She will hate you, and especially on dating apps with geolocation, you might should be careful about shitting where you eat because you don’t know who all she might know. Since Don’tDateHimGirl got neutralized, we ladies have other means, and they make that site look like it was saintly.

8. You Started Without Her (Projected Your Fantasies Onto Her)

You have already decided how you are going to do her and are stupid enough to tell her.  Or you’re stupid enough to start asking sexually explicit questions and details when you’re on a damned dating site.  Let me make something clear:

No (sane) woman on a dating site is looking for complications or risky sex with a guy she doesn’t know.

Condoms, missionary, maybe doggy style, and be glad you survived past hello and how are you.  If you are not her boyfriend or haven’t consistently shagged her monthly or weekly or more for over 6 months, it is very unlikely that she will want to get freaky with you in any way.  Keep it simple unless she initiates kink.  Spilling your fantasies will just chase her away.  If she doesn’t ask, you don’t tell.

9. You Text Too Fucking Much

Texting too much before meeting will launch you very ungracefully into the friend zone. You maybe have a week or grace before a woman starts to lose patience with you and think you are just using her as a free psychologist. I understand that some people take a little longer than others to do the mating dance, but this is what cafes are for. How many days you have to at least close the physical distance depends actually on when the weekend is. If a weekend passes without you meeting her in person, you are on the countdown. If you have told her about any of your life problems or ex girlfriends before putting your dick in her, she may be understanding and sympathetic, but she no longer sees you as a sexual being, not with her anyway. You know you’ve lost it when she no longer asks when you’re available.

10. You Ghosted (and Maybe Resurrected Hoping For Lower Standards)

If you got someone’s contact details, she needs to hear your actual voice within 24 hours. Otherwise, she has forgotten who you are. If it has been longer, she really has no clue whatsoever, and you will have to remind her, and she still may not remember.  It’s not like you’ve met in person. If you’re on the internet and don’t keep in touch, you just disappear into the crowd of other guys who didn’t follow through.

If you disappeared because you chickened out or did not want to meet her demands at the time, and hope that after returning months or years later, things will be different, guess again. Most of our sex drive lowers with age, and we have less and less patience or tolerance for b.s. as our hormones are no longer driving us.  We still have plenty oxytocin though, and like cats after being spayed or neutered, a hug from a friend starts to mean more than sex unless the guy is really precisely our type.  So if you lose your hustle, we lose interest.

Final Notes

I do have some sympathy for men, even though this article is full of tough love. I have some wonderful male friends and family who are still out there searching.  A lot of you out there were raised by misandrist women and broken or absent dads who did not teach you how to deal with women.  So some of this stupid is not your faults.  It’s just that Nature doesn’t care.

Nature doesn’t care what’s your fault or not. It will only reward you if your behavior is viable. If you do not adapt, you simply will not survive.

The reality of the nature of straight women, by and large, is that we respond to classic masculinity. Many may do a show of liking the new masculinity for the sake of status posturing, and incidental convenience of having hordes of emasculated men to stomp on the balls of, but at the end of the day, some guys get it and some guys don’t. You can’t be a child and be successful with women. You can’t be a girl and be successful with straight women.

Just like women have to eat the reality that beauty matters, men have to eat the reality that strength of mind and body matters.  Deal with that, and use that knowledge to heal yourself. Peace and Ase!


My pronouns are whatever you're comfortable with as long as you speak to me with respect. I'm an Afruikan and Iswa refugee living in Canaan. That's African American expat in Israel in Normalian. I build websites, make art, and assist people in exercising their spirituality. I'm also the king of an ile, Baalat Teva, a group of African spirituality adherents here. Feel free to contact me if you are in need of my services or just want to chat.

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