Before we start, I will warn you that in this article, there will be many sweeping generalizations about men and women. If you are gender-queer in some way, feel free to replace those words with masculine or feminine participant, or Top/bottom or whatever. Let’s not lose the point in tangents about terminology. Also, this is a work in progress. As other Primal folk weigh in on this topic, the article may grow. Also, the aim of this article is not to be politically correct, nor is it to justify or endorse any non consensual sex or coercion. So everybody be calm and learn something.
In Primal sex, as opposed to structured D/s or conventional vanilla sex, dominance is earned. Sometimes it is earned through physical struggle, or it may seem so. Most of the time though, the struggle is merely a physical expression of the dance of the two (or more) souls about to join.
The Primal dominant male is one who enjoys his dominance, and doesn’t view it in the context of degrading or devaluing the other person. It is simply so that he is the physically stronger or more combat-adept, or at the moment the most stable and comfortable with physical control of the situation, and so it is his pleasure to contain and penetrate the female.
Though most men don’t have a problem with the penetration part of this exchange, in my observation and listening to many men and women talk about sex, most seem to have a problem with the containment element. This is problematic because Straight women and feminine Gay men, as well as a great many Lesbians need this generally. The Primal female or feminine needs this exponentially more. Lack of it means simply that nothing is going to happen.
Why aren’t more men aware of this? In some cultures, it’s not a problem at all. Containment is a natural part of being close to someone. It’s only in western cultures, the embrace is missing. I would venture that it is because fewer of them have child and elder care responsibilities than in the past.
Families are smaller, so there are fewer or no younger brothers to care for. If there are, they are put in daycare rather than the family being responsible for them. Elders are also no longer being cared for by family members as they used to be. Then there is the moral panic against men lately, that leads actually damaged and socially manipulated, as well as paranoid people to shut boys and men out of care for the vulnerable. Even though women are and can be just as abusive, men are cast as scarier. Add to that an urban upbringing, and most western men don’t even have much experience with caring for animals.
Many young men will go their whole lives up to the age they become sexually active, never having helped an old person up and down stairs, never having held a baby, never having to calm down a frightened animal of comparable size or larger than themselves…Â There are holes in their masculinity that are not going to close just because they’re alone with a woman in a room.
The allure of the cowboy, the fireman, the older man (over 40), and the hippy male massage therapist is this: they know how to contain women. These are men who are well practiced in dealing with living beings in delicate situations. They know how to use their strength, and how to close both physical and emotional distance in order to reach a satisfactory objective.
The desire to contain is the make or break sexual item in the definition of a natural dominant. It is more important than the desire to penetrate. Without containment, penetration is (often quite literally) shallow, and there is no incentive for the receiver. It feels the same or even less satisfying than masturbation.
In actual sex, this is expressed with the man putting his arms around the woman and holding her. The preparation for sex, whether the foreplay is long, short, or almost nonexistent, is the grasping: the containment. The male holds the female in place, and positions her for penetration. So as much as a man needs to learn to hold himself not to be a “two pump chump”, he needs to learn to hold a woman.
Once consent has been established (how ever the people involved have agreed to do so, or by whatever reasonable social contracts exist), the Primal man holds his woman through her physical resistance. He takes his prize. Sometimes that is penetration, and sometimes beforehand, that is triggering her arousal until she would or does beg for penetration. Either way, the idea is to render her unable or unwilling to resist him.
What the man gets from this is clear sight of the woman’s arousal, receptiveness, and focus on him. As the Marquis de Sade once said, “Every man wants to be a tyrant in bed.” When a man holds a woman, her attention is his, and she needs not worry about what to do. He is doing her. She is the instrument, and he is the musician who presses her keys to produce her sounds of passion. These, in turn, heighten his arousal and convince him of his mastery, and on some level, his worthiness.
What a vanilla guy can take from this is that even if you’re not going to be as “brutal” about it as the average primal, holding a woman is going to make her much more receptive to sex. It’ll make the experience better for you both. It will also likely compensate for other mistakes you may make (other than overtalking or negativity). A man should show his strength to a woman. She should feel that he is a man all over her body.
One can express this outside of bed as well. Dancing is one way that men used to get laid with reasonable frequency “back in the day”. When you hold a woman and move with her, it gives her a preview of what you may be like in bed. So when you have the chance, during the pursuit, you should definitely hold a woman somehow.
Women indicate that they want you to hold them by positioning themselves for you to do so. If you’re sitting on a bar stool, and she is facing you and letting you touch her, slide an arm around her…then maybe both. She will probably sleep with you.
If you’re standing, facing a woman, and she gets close enough to rub one or more of her boobs on you, slide your arms around her. Take any and every opportunity to hold a woman. In some cases, holding a woman has gotten men out of the “friend zone”. When a woman can’t ignore your masculinity, she can’t ignore your sexuality.
Back to the bedroom, and in summary, women and feminine men need to be held. It is an important part of regular sex, and a necessary part of Primal sex. So if you haven’t been doing enough of this, it could be a reason why you’re not being asked for a repeat performance, or why you get replaced quickly after breakups, or why your girlfriend cheated.
It doesn’t justify cheating, but this is in the category of things that a woman may feel embarrassed to tell a guy. It’s something older men and men who were raised in more pro masculinity cultures do as a reflex, that if you don’t do, she may just chalk it up to your being weak or not caring very much about her.
Body language says more than words. In the language of sexual touch, holding expresses two things mainly. Those are ownership and support. When a man wraps himself around a woman in a way that restrains her somewhat, he indicates ownership of her or at least the situation. By extension, this can indicate that he is shielding her in a way.
Support touching is to “sweep her off her feet” in a way. She is no longer bearing her own weight or bearing the burden of her desire. He is releasing her. He lifts a part of her body towards himself to kiss, bite, or do whatever he wills with it. She does not have to bring her lips to his. He brings her lips to his.
It bears mentioning that many feminists hate this. There is nothing wrong with hating the “classic” or Primal way of expression. Some people aren’t into it and as I mentioned in the pegging article, nobody should be pressured to do anything they don’t enjoy or demeaned for this. One reason some feminists hate it is that they are focused on physical power, and do not see the exchange in this. Or at least this is what some may say if they are cornered into explaining it. Nobody should be cornered, but it happens, and this is the answer I’ve gotten sometimes in discussions of Primal sex.
Just understand that if you try any of this with certain women, they are not going to react well. So if someone seems a bit more feminist than politically, and tends to be skittish about classic PDA, even if they express interest in Primal sex, test the waters before you jump in. Try support moves such as touching her back when you are leading her somewhere or showing her something first. If she moves into your touch and closer to your body, you can go further. Just be careful because sometimes people say they can handle things they can’t really handle.
Another move to try is to touch her face and turn it towards you for a kiss. If she likes this, slide your hand to wrap an arm around her shoulder, and pull her towards you. Kiss her harder when you do. See if you can get away with making it hurt a little.
It is worth the risks because, for the feminine woman, being held is so important that if it is omitted, something big is missing. Hold your woman so that she knows that you are a man, and that you care. Hold her around her waist. Hold her around her body, with her arms under yours. Hold her by the legs. Hold her by her hair if she’s cool. Just hold her.
Then hold on for the ride. You might have a “roadmap to heaven” on your back when you’re done.
Love this article to me this is all natural . I didn’t realize it till I met a woman that was primal and Had such a pull on me. That in everything we did was primal in every aspect. Everything about her makes me go nuts her sent her sweat her rough touch the biting and tho most exhilarating part is the pining her and the penetration pulling her to me and getting in as deep as I can. When making love we wrestled till I pinned her and took her. We booth would have scratches and bites and even bruises all over our bodies. Would love to get more links to articles like this.
I love this .the way its suppose to be????tarzan and Jane
Nicely said…I never knew I was a primal until a female friend of mine told me…I just thought that I was just being me.
Thank you for sharing this information.
I know I’m a little late to this party! But I wanted to make a suggestion: as you say, primal can apply to relationships of all kinds, with genders and sexualities of all kinds. You might consider using “Predator” and “Prey” instead of any sort of gendered or sexual terms. It would remove the need for the disclaimer and make the article much more inviting for a large population.
Otherwise, though, thank you! I didn’t know what Primal meant, but now I see that the specific combination of human pet/brat that I am, and the type of caretaker I want, is very effectively summed up by Primal Predator/Prey.
I don’t really give two shits about being more inviting to hypocrites.
People who try to pen us into limited categories like “predator/prey” are guilty of the sexism and gender intolerance that they accuse others of. There is much more to it than that. The usual relationship is called “mates”. Predator/prey was a small sector, and somewhat problematic, but most were cool until it started trending.
Now Primal-predator means some shit psychos made up to justify chaotic sadism. It’s like a justification for prowling the BDSM community…saying that one is a “predator” instead of a criminal with consent issues.
According to the study by Dr. David Mirich (look it up), the differences between people who practice BDSM and those who are in prison for pretty much the exact same things is that we are usually more intelligent (higher IQ’s on average) and that we’ve found a socially acceptable sub-culture that stresses CONSENT. Psychos prowling the BDSM community and using it to conceal their CRIMINAL activity are not welcome or similar to those of us who engage in CONSENTUAL activities. That’s the difference. Go check out a drum circle some time, or a howl – primal activities have been around WAY longer than BDSM communities, and predator/prey relationships have been right inn there.
The scum is certainly not welcome, but they ooze their way in anyway. People should be aware of the ways they attempt to gain access.
As to drum circles and the like, I stay far away from any “new age” culture thieves. These wannabes, aside of wasting everyone’s time, are messing around with energies they have no idea how to manage. They try to castrate Native American, African, and Asian cultures to make them fit their anti Nature views. Most don’t have the empathy of a polecat, but run around claiming to be able to heal people.
I was rereading this fantastic article and once again was reminded of how body language says more than words and how to “test the waters” with support touching. Since “Primal” is part of my personality, I rely heavely on body language and those non-verbal ways of communicating and I have a few tips.
While reading, I was again reminded of support touching and “…if you try any of this with certain women, they are not going to react well. So test the waters before you jump in. Try support moves such as touching her back when you are leading her somewhere or showing her something first. If she moves into your touch and closer to your body, you can go further.
I have a suggestion that I have done in the past that is based on an article I read in Cosmopolitan magazine.
YES I read “Cosmo” occasionally. I will search for the “How To” articles such as “How to get your guy to notice you” or “Where to meet date-able guys”. Then I will DO THE ACTION that the article suggests. In other words, if a guy wants to know where to meet ladies looking to date, read an article in a womans magazine that tells the ladies where THEY SHOULD GO to meet guys, then go there.
If Cosmopolitan magazing tells ladies to “hang out at a coffee shop to meet datable guys”, then guys should go hang out at a coffee shop. But that is a different thought.
One of the “how to” articles I have previously read was for ladies telling them “How to flirt” and it suggested that, for a lady to show interest, she “pick a piece of lint or a thread off of the man’s shirt”.
So I turned that advice to women around and now I will PURPOUSLY put a small piece of offensive color thread on the shoulder of my shirt. THEN I DO NOT NOTICE OR TOUCH IT!
At some point during the date, IF the lady reaches over and picks the thread off of your shoulder, she is “preening” you. If she picks that thread off your shoulder, SHE has made the first move in support touching and she has indicated her interest in you by flirting.
It is a non-threatening way to determine if the lady would be receptive to further support touching and eventually capture and containment.
Heheheh…clever hunter. Even those of us who try not to be overly critical in picking at things, will stare at it for awhile, and imagine spy movie reminiscent scenarios where we could make contact or get the shirt off and remove said string surreptitiously.
It is a very good idea to reverse engineer women’s flirting tactics. đ
smooth move – I like the way you think!!
You are the first writer to whom I was drawn…thank you for this article, so much :). I too didn’t know I am “a primal” (I have designation? This is a thing? Then…there are others…BWAHAHAHA!). I thought this was just “on the extra lusty end of of normal.” This explains sooooo much…Lots of American metal enthusiasts would quantify as primal, that’s usually where I meet my kind of folks, concerts and such. Nice to know my preference for independence with infrequent yet intense pair bonding is also congruent, as is lupine-ideation.
But the way you write about what men need to learn or relearn about holding women…and why..
Ummm yeah speech and language just went offline. Just…thank you, luv.
Love the article other then the bit about feminists. Feminism is about equal rights, not being more manly, well at least in my world. It has become her vs him, it has become woman vs woman, when really it should be about everyone’s right to make choices without having to justify those choices (as long as they are legal). Stay at home mum stay at home dad, working mum, working dad, ect. Dom male or Domme female, it should not be about what gender one identifies with but for equality.
Okay now that I got that little rant out, I am a feminist Primal, and if he earns that from me, I will submit. I once had a dominant partner who was often asked “you can dominate her?’ and his answer was “when she lets me” and that came with the taking.
CautionTape, egalitarianism is called “egalitarianism” not “feminism”. Feminists haven’t had any interest in equality since the 1920’s. It’s about women’s rights without addressing our responsibilities. This makes it very unnatural, unsustainable, and not primal.
As to your old Dom’s comment, he was playing the conformist. That sort of answer is what you give these days when you don’t want to scare people. Unless he was severely disabled and mentally challenged, or very submissive, he could, in fact, dominate you whether you let him or not.
Men can crush our bones in their hands. We live by their mercy. We know what happens when men run out of mercy. You would do well to show them more appreciation of this.
There is the saying, “There are no atheists in foxholes.” Well, there are no feminists in famines.
The best physical relationship i’ve ever had…and quite a serious emotional relationship as well, for the two are bound, contained a frequent amount of lovemaking that could be described like this. It came to me naturally, instinctively, and confidently… perhaps because our level of mutual attraction was higher than in prior relations, and perhaps because we both were well balanced and mutually fluid in our innate personal apposition to both dominance and submission, masculine and feminine or androgynously balanced personalities. Whatever explained our exceptional rapport in the bedroom, the result was exceptional sex (that even after splitting, her reminiscing aspersions of my character albeit ever more spiteful, were mitigated by the admission that of coitus, none better had she experienced–never before or ever after). A favored game, that swapped roles based on our moods, consisted of assuming the roles of this so called primal sex, with its pseudo-“rape” like overpowering, containing/holding limb locking wrestling, and the literal play that resulted from the resistance also functioned as foreplay. I would holdback strength if she was playing the conqueror, or take a handicap such as being handcuffed. I realized she enjoyed the gender role switch as much as I did, and that I was probably the first to engage her fantasies openly. It made the times that we took the traditional roleparts that much better, kept from becoming stagnant. However there can always be too much of good thing, and even great sex can lead to problems. Advice from my experience for guys, the trade off of not being a two pump chump and building up resistance to sensitivity, is that it can sometimes take a long time to build up to climax (or not at all…which surprisingly, yes, guys can fake orgasms too)…certain positions provide better stimulation for either guys or women…its not universal, despite magazine claims, and doggie style was the position that sometimes was the only way i could ejaculate if I’d drawn out the penetrative session for too long (past the twenty or thirty minute mark) and desensitized myself too well. Primal sex is just that, and just as I was with a girl that was both submissive and dominating, balance is needed in all things. She began to cultivate a paranoid delusion that I regarded her more as a zoological possessed “lemur” (my pet name for her contributing to the ) for my animal instincts than as a human woman with whom I would have lovemaking while looking into each other’s eyes. Make sure to slip a tender candlelite night in amongst all the Primal stuff. Your girl will appreciate it.
Truth. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. We have to remember that humans are social animals. Certain rituals are important in seduction and in a relationship that goes beyond the sexual. There is a sort of dilemma sometimes with very masculine men. When you’re doing the job, the little social niceties pale in comparison of importance…but we still need that bit of romance. I’m betting this has something to do with the need to feel protected.
Even though I’m in an open marriage and am not looking for another husband, I still require that the first meeting be at a cafe. There is something about circling one another and summing each other up in a relaxed environment that I like. Some of it has to do with vetting for balance and creating a sexual tension, but some of it is also seeing how much of a gentleman someone is. I’ve found that men who are more gentlemanly (which is different from capitulating) are also more “beastly” in bed. A man capable of seeing and treating me like a fragile flower…that’s a seriously strong guy. In some ways, it’s also a sign of a good hunter capable of preying on my ego.
So I guess it’s something like sometimes you are the beast and sometimes the hunter, sometimes the predator and sometimes the prey, sometimes the oak and sometimes the reed, sometimes the cobra and sometimes the spider. It’s complicated to juggle all these things inside one’s self, but worth the effort to keep that balance.
WOW…so well written !
I am happy to be living in this positive way, and that, for a while.
This confirmation should inspire others.
Well Done !
Always done by instinct, now with background knowledge – thanks for the great article!
This perfectly describes what ive been missing in my 20 yr marriage. It seems so trivial and trite to say out loud im thinking of divorcing a man who is a good father and provider because he wont hold me or touch me. But i feel like im starving. I feel like screaming i want to be held, to feel safe, protected. Ive told him 100 different ways what i need, and he dismissed them as trivial and immature. I feel like im starving to death from lack of touch. Hes indicated hes nit changing. I actually think if he could have sex without touching at all, he would. He wants quiet, controlled and clean
I want hot. Dirty, wild passion. And want to be contained, controlled, but not abused. I dont want to be tied up. I want a man to hold me and make me feel safe. Take me like he actually wants all of me, not just a hole to drop his seed. Im not a sub. Id balk at orders or abuse. Ive been abused and ive been raped. I wont ever be again. Which i think is why i want this even more. To finally feel like i can relax, let my guard down and be safe. There is a reason i am always armed, why i box till my knuckles are swollen and bloody, and im a fire arms instructoe, because i feel i must protect myself..but im tired, and hungry for touch.
Love this article too! I feel that in the BDSM world due to labels (D/s, pet, toy, Primal, …) the central issues are just not adressed very well. I see myself as a independent and strong woman, that loves to submit to the right man. As I do love humiliation and degradation (by the right man đ ) I wouldn’t consider myself Primal.
A few months ago though I had sex with someone in a very pure way. There was only skin and passion and comfort. Everything felt very natural and as you describe it above (swept off my feet, held, secured, and so on). I didn’t even think about the kinky stuff my mind usually wanders too. I think it was my first Primal encounter – in a way it also felt tantric if that makes sense.
So thanks again for sharing!
I found this article as a trans woman trying to find a way to get men to be more assertive with me. Before transition when I slept only with women, this whole idea seemed rudimentary to me when consent was established. As equals I would generally take charge with containment and so long as it was well received it enhanced sex.
Simple I started sleeping with guys I see what cis women have complained about this whole time. Most men seem to be wishy-washy and not in for doing the work, its really unattractive.
Because of my previous experiences I nearly feel like it’s up to me to take that role but it then makes the role of the man redundant. The reason I don’t is because it’s inherently emasculating so I just end experiences so I can go have fun with a less wet fish.
Even now with women I prefer a Dominant primal role simply because they seem to want to be cared for and I’m more than happy to be the more assertive one. Pillow Princesses however, are another story, there’s nothing to contain so there is no ‘prize’ as a man might say it.
Appreciate the article đ
I really like this article, it helped to enlighten a lot of the things I wasnât understanding. But I feel like I should mention, feminism is about supporting woman, and that includes their sexual desires, regardless of if itâs more modern or old school. This isnât meant as a hate comment or anything. I just think âmany feminists hate this.â should be something more along the lines of to âwoman who are doms or woman who donât have this sexual interest donât like this.â Again, this isnât meant as hate. Iâm a feminist, and I support all womanâs sexual desires whether theyâre in control or if they want control. And I know at the beginning, you said, you were gonna use blanket terms, but I feel like some readers might forget once they get to the bottom of the article, so this comment is more for them. But seriously, thank you for going into depth about this topic.
In the spirit of not being an asshole, I make some concessions in my writing and speech to account for the spectrum of gender because this is something that one is either born with or is totally unconscious. I won’t make such concessions with politics because it is something people choose. When a party or faction’s most prominent members go anti science and anti nature, the further they go, the less they deserve “naxalt” clarification.
I won’t use “men who don’t have this sexual interest” to describe self identified incels who believe they shouldn’t need to adhere to classic male behavioral models to be attractive to women who adhere to classic female behavioral models. Feminists will get no such quarter from me either. People who identify with groups who typically don’t believe in reciprocation and mutuality need to do their own clarification.
One of the sane aspects of postmodernism is that you don’t have to coddle your fellows or take personally the consequences of mistakes they make that you don’t. You can be a feminist who admits a bias that all us outspoken women have towards our sex, but tempers that with some other statement or label that ensures you won’t be mistaken for the crazy crowd.
Since we’ve gone this far into the age of technology, I think it’s about time we went all the way into the postmodernism that goes with it. Let go of the idealism of the past, and the need to be right or righteous in the way of non confrontational. Avoidance and denial serves us not at all, especially as women. We can’t afford to get too much into our heads without our feet on the ground.
For me, the choice of wording is about precision and to some degree, boundaries. I don’t want to give guys bad advice, so I have to make it clear that they are in some danger attempting a classic male nonverbal pursuit with a non classic female. There’s also the issue that though politics is a choice, one can’t really know why someone made that choice. It may be that they chose to identify that way because of hypervigilance related to PTSD. So there’s an emotional safety issue there on both sides.
If a guy encounters a self identified or known feminist, even if she enjoys primal sex, that political identification means consent must be explicit, or one should take things a little more slowly than with someone who makes it clear she is up for it. Many of them do not like being physically contained. Even if it won’t send some into rape panic, many consider this an unpleasant aspect of sex with men, which is how it became unpopular or forgotten. Men stopped going there because they were told by feminists raising them and teaching them that it was bad.